“This will be the last time”

“It wasn’t as bad as other stuff I’ve seen”

“It’s not like I look at it everyday”

These self-reassuring statements are a small sampling of comments I hear from men who struggle with viewing pornography. They wonder if they are really addicted. Many of them hide in secrecy for years trying to resolve the unwanted behaviors on their own.. The secret struggle often creates more hopelessness and feelings of powerlessness over this mysterious force that seems to keep sabotaging their best efforts.

In their pain and frustration, many of them ask me the following questions: “How can I tell if I am really addicted to pornography?”

“How do I know if I really need to get help for my behavior?”

“What’s involved in overcoming these unwanted behaviors?”

I will answer these questions in an attempt to outline a road map for understanding and overcoming an addiction to pornography and discovering a new way of living life.

How can I tell if I am really addicted to pornoqraphy?

Simply stated, 1) if you want to stop the behavior, 2) but you can’t, and 3) the behaviors are causing life-damaging consequences, 4) then you’re probably addicted.

It’s common to wonder if addiction only counts for those guys who look at pornography multiple times per day. While this is certainly a pattern of addiction, the definition can also apply to a much broader type of behavioral pattern.

For example, I’ve worked with individuals who look at pornography only three times per year. You might look at this sporadic pattern and wonder how three viewings of pornography in one year’s time could be considered an addiction. Let’s look at what three viewings per year could do to such an individual.

First, he’s going to keep his behavior a secret from others because he’s embarrassed about it. This secrecy is going to produce shame. Shame is a feeling of being broken, damaged, or defective. He might briefly say things to himself like, “what’s my problem?” “Why do I keep going back to this when I know it’s wrong?”

Sometimes people approach recovery with the desire to eliminate the problematic behavior without considering how the problem became so unmanageable in the first place. Stopping the behavior is actually the easiest part of recovery. The long-term changes associated with undoing the thinking patterns that create the addiction is a much deeper process.

Dallin H. Oaks, a religious leader, explained it as follows, “A person [with a pornography addiction] is like a tree that bends easily in the wind. On a windy and rainy day, the tree bends so deeply against the ground that the leaves become soiled with mud… If we focus only on cleaning the leaves, the weakness in the tree that allowed it to bend and soil its leaves may remain. Similarly, a person who is merely sorry to be soiled by [their addiction] will [slip] again in the next high wind. The susceptibility to repetition continues until the tree has been strengthened.”

Since recovery is more than just stopping unwanted behaviors, it’s critical to enlist the help of others who can offer support in the form of education, accountability, and encouragement.

What’s involved in overcominq these unwanted behaviors?

I’ve broken down the process of recovery from pornography addiction into the following stages. Each will be explained briefly.

1. Step into the light

2. Transform the behavior

3. Discover life without pornography

4. The long-term recovery journey

1. Step Into the Liqht

When an individual views pornography in secrecy, those behaviors usually continue to stay secret. This secrecy puts tremendous emotional pressure on the individual which reinforces the need to continue viewing pornography. One of the most powerful ways to break out of this cycle of secrecy is to “step into the light” and tell someone else about the secret behaviors.

Who is the safest person to tell? Well, that depends on several factors. The confidant should be someone who: 1) can keep confidences, 2) is helpful and encouraging, and 3) will be around for the long-haul.

If an individual is married, their spouse should be at the top of the list. Additionally, religious leaders, trusted friends, parents, or counseling professionals are important supports to consider.

This is often the most difficult step due to embarrassment and fear. It’s likely that the fear of being discovered has been around since the individual had their first exposure to pornography. For many people, this first exposure happened in early adolescence.

Virtually every individual I’ve worked with has felt tremendous relief in their first meeting with me after telling their story of struggling with pornography. They describe feeling a literal release of powerful physical cravings. This withdrawal will begin in the initial stages of recovery, but can last longer, depending on the individual’s history of pornography use.