The Truth About Pornography

The discovery or disclosure of a pornography addiction in a marriage relationship can be a devastating and disorienting experience. Unfortunately, a growing number of people are now dealing with this problem. When a pornography addiction comes to light, it is not uncommon for the needs and experience of the spouse not viewing pornography (the “afflicted spouse”) to be sidelined, minimized or even neglected entirely as attention and resources are directed toward the person struggling with the actual addiction. Spouses of addicts, however, do have real and legitimate needs for support and healing. When an afflicted spouse can receive support to help them understand and deal with the situation, not only are they able to move into a healthier place in their own life, but the prognosis for the addicted spouse is also greatly improved.

Does My Spouse Have an Addiction?

It is not uncommon for a spouse to notice a change in their addicted partner even before they discover that they are viewing pornography. Some spouses notice that their addicted partner has become more irritable, self-centered,  moody, impatient, restless,  resentful and blaming than usual. The addict may also become critical of their spouse’s body and/or character, dissatisfied with work, easily bored, less willing to spend focused time with the family, or have large amounts of unaccounted-for time. The strength of the marriage seems to be a lesser priority to them and they may exhibit significantly different spiritual views or behaviors.

Traits of Addictive Relationships

1.  A pattern of alternating between enmeshment and detachment.

2.  Attraction to people who reinforce your negative core beliefs.

3.  They are ashamed and afraid to say, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I was being sneaky, I lied.”

4.  Keeping score, fighting dirty.

5.  Right-wrong/good-bad thinking.

6.  Freezing emotionally when someone is caring or loving.

7.  Passive-aggressive sabotaging of relationships.

8.  Causing hurt out of unrecognized fear.

9. Fear of initiating relationships.

10.  Having to control a relationship.

11.  Being the teacher or wise one in a relationship.

12.  Feeling powerful by causing pain.

13.  Partners alternate crises – in that way, someone is always too busy being upset to be intimate.

Women, Sex and Addiction: a Search for Love and Power; Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD.  1990. Perennial Library Harper& Row, New York   p. 140

Take Care of You

Healing takes time – it is a process that requires tools. The following ideas will aid you in this process.

“Research shows the majority of people struggling with sexual addictions and compulsivities involving the Internet are married, heterosexual males. Consequently, women who are married to these men are directly impacted by this problem. Additionally, marriages in which a sexual addiction or sexual compulsivity exist are commonly pervaded with diminished intimacy, anxiety, secrecy, mistrust, isolation, relationship dysfunction, sexual dysfunction, and decreased temporal security due to the risk of job loss or related debts.”

“Five factors were identified as helpful to spouses:  a) Connection, (b) Advocacy, (c) Validation, (d) Education, and (e) Direction. This collection of needs interestingly formed the acronym C.A.V.E.D., a term deemed appropriate by the researcher to describe the “caved-in,” isolating and devastating experience problematic sexual behavior evokes in a marriage.”  ‘…The C.A.V.E.D. Theory’ .

Connection:  The isolation experienced by these women can be intense and enduring. Connection to self, God and others (support groups, (S-anon), friends, therapy and clergy) gives a normalizing effect and as a result enables them to function in the roles they fulfill. One woman expressed, ‘I think the only thing that’s really helped is coming to group and learning that I’m not alone.”

Advocacy:  “Secondly, the women needed someone who would advocate for their needs and have a degree of authority with which to positively influence the husband and hold him accountable in ways she couldn’t. Many women expressed relief when someone they had turned to advocated a plan of action and gave voice to her pain, her needs, and invited her husband to take responsibility for the problem. When someone can take on an advocate role and link arms with these women, it helps them remobilize their resources and empower them to eventually make decisions or deliver an ultimatum with confidence.”

Validation:  ‘Validation includes being affirmed as a human and reassured that one’s feelings and experiences are understandable and legitimate. To have someone who can help her re-enter the realm of being okay and counterweight the tide of self-doubt, insecurity, and self-blame she feels in the wake of this problem is enormously helpful.” This validation can be found through literature, websites, support groups, informed clergy and qualified therapists.

Education:  “Women tended to find education a critical ingredient in depersonalizing their husband’s problem and becoming clearer about what needed to happen now that the issue was out in the open. Education about the issue includes obtaining information about: (a) the problem itself, (b) treatment options, and (c) learning how others have dealt with this in their marriages.” Therapists, support groups, and literature provide essential information.

Direction:  “Many women are at a loss as to what to do, where to go and how to cope with this kind of problem.” These questions are often asked, ‘Where do I go for healing and recovery myself? What does recovery look like for my husband? Where do we start? This direction can be found with qualified therapists, SA/S-anon groups, and informed clergy.

( Jill C. Manning,  PhD, LMFT and Wendy L. Watson, PhD, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity,15, 233-249, 2008.)

Dr. Shondell Knowlton, a marriage and family therapist, has compared the experience of learning of a partner’s pornography use to tipping over a cart of neatly stacked apples. Knowlton says when the metaphorical apple cart gets dumped over, the order and predictability of one’s life gets scattered in all directions. Energy previously used for other things gets re-routed to gathering, cleaning, sorting, and re-stacking the “apples.” This process can be fraught with confusion, anger and frustration. Many spouses of addicts believe they will be fine as soon as their partner’s pornography behavior stops. However, this is not necessarily the case.

The pain will probably decrease as your partner’s pornography consumption decreases and they choose to live a life free from the damaging effects of pornography. However, it is important to recognize that (a) your partner may not choose to change and that is something that, ultimately, you cannot control and (b) regardless of your spouse’s future actions, if you do not work through the emotions and trauma that you experience, it may result in you continuing to have unresolved feelings of fear, resentment, anger, and grief. A pedestrian who is seriously injured in a car accident cannot just be moved out of the street, but needs to be treated for pain, injury, shock and trauma. Similarly, spouses of pornography addicts usually need help to stabilize their lives and heal from the pain, injury, shock and trauma that they may experience.

The closer and more intimate the relationship, the more intense these emotions frequently are and the longer it may take to work through them. Those who have successfully been able to work through the stages of grief report that there can be complete resolution over time, even to the point that while they remember each phase, it no longer triggers the emotions associated with them. It is possible to feel whole again, regardless of the path the addict chooses to take.

An important aspect of healing for those impacted by a loved one’s addiction is to slow down, set boundaries and take care of physical, emotional and spiritual needs. A sponsor is often critical in helping with this process. Several specific actions can be taken to help deal with the trauma and personal needs you may be experiencing.

• Set Boundaries to protect yourself. Ultimately, you cannot decide if your loved one will choose to recover from pornography addiction. However, you can set boundaries to protect your personal well-being. You have choices in every circumstance, so identify the choices that are yours to make. It is not necessary or helpful to allow the addicted person in your life to decide courses of action that are within your control. You can prayerfully set boundaries and when those boundaries are violated, have a set, predetermined course of action. These boundaries should not be set in an attempt to manipulate or punish the other person. Rather, these boundaries should be calmly set to protect yourself and should be clearly known by your loved one.
• Spiritual grounding provides feelings of peace, hope, and reassurance in the face of uncertainty. Meditation, prayer, seeking comfort and counsel from scripture, and counseling with religious leaders allows those impacted by the addiction of another to access power and strength from above. Many feel forsaken by God and alone when they’ve been betrayed by those closest to them, especially spouses. Spiritual healing is essential, even if it takes time. Spending time in religious meetings, nature or other peaceful locations, as well as listening to uplifting music can also help individuals in this process.
• Physical self-care is often overlooked. Trauma can actually have physical effects on the body which need to be treated. Many find that taking care of their body by getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, meditating, stretching, participating in relaxing activities and slowing down can help them think more clearly and shift out of “survival mode.”
• Emotional expression may help, especially in the early stages. Many find it helpful to write their feelings in a new journal that they have the option of throwing away at a later date. Emotions can be so strong early on in this process that some worry about putting raw feelings on paper. It is important to have the freedom to express your honest feelings in a healthy non-aggressive way. No feeling is inappropriate. Writing can help you identify and later let go of strong negative feelings.
• Simplifying life is important. Dealing with trauma or feelings of betrayal can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Activities that used to be easy may become more difficult. This is the ideal opportunity to begin saying “no” to extra commitments, evaluate your schedule, and look for things to cut out. It is important to keep a simple structure in place so there is order and predictability. A frenzied pace, however, only functions as a distraction and eventually catches up in the form of more hopelessness, feelings of failure and powerlessness. It is better to slow down and prioritize the things that will bring the greatest peace, joy, and comfort.
• Helping others can create a sense of purpose and add balance to your life. Do not feel like you need to help everyone in need. Rather, you may consider selecting an activity or two that is oriented around helping others. Many find that serving others helps to put their own life in perspective, especially if it is an activity that they enjoy. For some this may include activities such as volunteering with a youth group, helping old friends or making gifts for others.