May 17, 2012

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Help, I need info

HELP, I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

Chances are pretty good that you know someone who has been affected by pornography use. It may be a close friend, relative, co-worker or member of your religious community. The emotions associated with this knowledge can range from anger and shock to embarrassment and sadness. How you process this information often depends on how much it impacts you directly and whether the information is shared with you in the context of a trusting relationship or you ‘discover’ it and it comes out of hiding.

Sharing

When a person comes to you and shares that there is a problem, they may be looking for help, or just need a listening ear. It takes great courage do this and it may be at a time of crisis. Listen and refrain from judging so you can understand the reason behind their communication. You may have known them well enough to sense something was not right, but hadn’t figured out what it was. You may feel awkward. It takes time to process how this will affect your relationship. Be patient and take the opportunity to get educated. Keep the confidence, unless there is concern that they, their loved one or others may be at risk of injury.  If you determine that there is need for immediate action, get someone else involved….a clergy leader, medical professional, crisis center, or therapist.

If you are in a position where immediate action is not required, but they are sharing information, it will probably still require some processing time.

Discovery

The most common emotion expressed by the one who has a pornography problem is SHAME. Because of this there can be an initial period of awkwardness when others find out. Often there is denial or minimization. The level of respect, trust and transparency which has already been established may determine the course of the future. Depending on the circumstances, it may alter the relationship. It can actually make the relationship stronger.

In both instances you may find yourself asking questions—how is this going to affect my relationship with this person? How do I support them in their recovery? Do I need to be involved or just aware? Does this bother me? Do I have fears associated with this knowledge? Becoming educated is a good place to start. Also remembering that you are not in charge of their choices, behavior or recovery is essential. Loving the individual, encouraging recovery, offering hope and encouragement are helpful. Be respectful of the confidential nature of the disclosure. Do not share it with others in casual conversation. It is their right to take the initiative to share this, not yours, unless there is concern of danger to themselves or others. Take care of you with positive surroundings, adequate rest, healthy nutrition, exercise, and by listening to uplifting music. These are things that help maintain the normal activities of daily living. If you find yourself worrying, loosing sleep or having difficulty focusing too much on this disclosure, then seek help for yourself.

Chances are pretty good that you know someone who has been affected by pornography use. It may be a close friend, relative, co-worker or member of your religious community. The emotions associated with this knowledge can range from anger and shock to embarrassment and sadness. How you process this information often depends on how much it impacts you directly and whether the information is shared with you in the context of a trusting relationship or you ‘discover’ it and it comes out of hiding.
Sharing:
When a person comes to you and shares that there is a problem, they may be looking for help, or just need a listening ear. It takes great courage do this and it may be at a time of crisis. Listen and refrain from judging so you can understand the reason behind their communication. You may have known them well enough to sense something was not right, but hadn’t figured out what it was. You may feel awkward. It takes time to process how this will affect your relationship. Be patient and take the opportunity to get educated. Keep the confidence, unless there is concern that they, their loved one or others may be at risk of injury.  If you determine that there is need for immediate action, get someone else involved….a clergy leader, medical professional, crisis center, or therapist.
If you are in a position where immediate action is not required, but they are sharing information, it will probably still require some processing time.
Discovery:
The most common emotion expressed by the one who has a pornography problem is SHAME. Because of this there can be an initial period of awkwardness when others find out. Often there is denial or minimization. The level of respect, trust and transparency which has already been established may determine the course of the future. Depending on the circumstances, it may alter the relationship. It can actually make the relationship stronger.
In both instances you may find yourself asking questions—how is this going to affect my relationship with this person? How do I support them in their recovery? Do I need to be involved or just aware? Does this bother me? Do I have fears associated with this knowledge? Becoming educated is a good place to start. Also remembering that you are not in charge of their choices, behavior or recovery is essential. Loving the individual, encouraging recovery, offering hope and encouragement are helpful. Be respectful of the confidential nature of the disclosure. Do not share it with others in casual conversation. It is their right to take the initiative to share this, not yours, unless there is concern of danger to themselves or others. Take care of you with positive surroundings, adequate rest, healthy nutrition, exercise, and by listening to uplifting music. These are things that help maintain the normal activities of daily living. If you find yourself worrying, loosing sleep or having difficulty focusing too much on this disclosure, then seek help for yourself.