How Pornography Affects Women.
It’s not uncommon for well-intentioned observers to inquire about the fuss being made over pornography. Many of them assume that pornography consumption is a victimless pastime. Their line of thinking generally supports the notion that a man who views pornography in isolation is not hurting anyone. They even debate the question of whether or not this same man is hurting himself by viewing pornography.
I would like to challenge these assumptions by sharing how pornography use damages not only the individuals who view it, but especially wives and girlfriends of these same men. I will also include suggestions for how women affected by their partner’s pornography use can cope as they begin the journey toward wholeness.
In all of my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography. Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.
First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), he will begin to slowly change into someone who becomes more self-centered, irritable, moody, and impatient. He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty, and experience more internal stress. He will become more dissatisfied with his work, become easily bored with things that used to interest him, and feel restless. He will also become more resentful and blaming when things don’t turn out the way he hoped.
This transformation may take years, depending on how often he views pornography. If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself that the aforementioned challenges are situational and will pass with time. For those who view pornography more frequently, each viewing produces more disconnection from the man he could become. The repeated viewings and subsequent self-deception deepen this transformation over time.
This gradual erosion eventually creates confusion and strife in the marriage. Although each case is different, most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secretive pornography consumption have told me they felt like something was “off’ in their relationship with their husband. They usually second-guessed themselves, many of them even reflexively blaming themselves entirely for the disconnection in the marriage.
Women who discover their husband’s pornography use will benefit from doing some emotional first-aid to help stabilize them so they can do the long-term work of healing. I will outline some of the most helpful first steps women can take when they discover their husband’s behavior. I will then briefly explain what is involved in long-term recovery for women affected by their husband’s pornography use.
First-Aid
1. Physical self-care is probably the most overlooked aspect of early recovery for women. Trauma is experienced both physiologically and emotionally. To ignore the body is to ignore one of the greatest resources for healing. I have found that women who make physical self-care a priority heal much faster from the impact of their husband’s secretive behaviors. Many women find that getting more sleep, eating healthy foods, exercising, meditating, stretching, soaking in warm water, and slowing down to nurture their physical body can help them shift out of survival mode so they can think clearly.
2. Spiritual grounding provides feelings of peace, hope, and reassurance in the face of so much uncertainty. Meditation, prayer, seeking comfort and counsel from holy writ, and counseling with spiritual leaders allows women access to power and strength beyond their own. It’s common for many women to be angry at God for letting them down. If this is the case, remember that spirituality is more than just religious behavior. It’s important to connect something bigger than oneself, which can include going into nature or immersing oneself in uplifting music.
3. Emotional expression is critical throughout all stages of recovery, but especially in the early stages. Many women find it helpful to write their feelings in a new journal that they have the option of throwing away at a later date. Emotions can be so strong early on in this process that some women worry about putting raw feelings in their regular journal. It’s important to have the freedom to express feelings in a healthy non-aggressive way. No feeling is inappropriate. Feelings come and go like the waves of sea, so it’s important to give them full expression so they can have resolution. Holding on to any strong emotion with the hope that it will disappear only keeps it stuck. Talking with others can also help, which is explained in the next item.
4. Connecting to others who can help is also difficult to do, but has tremendous benefits as well. It’s not recommended that a woman who learns about her husband’s behavior broadcast their pain to just anyone who will listen. Instead, it’s important to identify a few individuals who: 1) will keep confidences, 2) can provide a safe place to talk, 3) won’t judge her or her husband, and 4) can offer some support and direction. It can be beneficial for the long-term stability of the relationship for women to inform her husbands that they will be speaking to specific individuals. Helpful individuals often include ecclesiastical leaders, therapists, parents or siblings, 12-step support groups, therapy groups, and close friends.
This article was written by Geoff Steurer, and has been used by his permission. You can read this and many other posts on his website.
June 7th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I was married for 30 years had 5 children. I was divorced 3 years ago and just found out that my husband had been addicted to pornography for the last 15 years of our marriage and still is today. 4 out of my 5 children are all addicted also. Would S-Anon be helpful for me to attend?
June 12th, 2009 at 2:34 am
I’m not disputing it’s contents, but I would like to point out this articles utter lack of independent study, references or supporting evidence. Any student in high school, college or university that turned in a paper like this lacking those three things would get a failing grade, no question.
For those reasons, sadly, this article fails.
June 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
to Pam: I have been married for 37 years and realized 6 years ago that my husband has been addicted to pornography for most of his life. He was the one who took me kicking and screaming to SA / S-Anon. It was very difficult at first but once I began to accept the fact that my husband was a “sick person not a bad person” (S-Anon green book) I began to find peace now I attend S-Anon meetings every week and I have come to love this fellowship. I love these women who are hurting and healing. I highly recoment S-Anon to anyone finds themselves in a relationship with a sex addict, I believe the 12 steps and fellowships are from God, a place to connect HONESTLY with others who so desperatly need God and each other.
July 6th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Some of us even don’t realize the importance of this information. What a pity.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:39 am
To Cyrik:
I respectfully disagree with your ‘failing grade’. As an addict myself, I can look back and see the effect that pornography has had on my life and on my family. Nearly all the changes listed in this article, I have experienced. I don’t mind the fact that no references are sited. I don’t think the author needs any.
My spouse attended one S-Anon meeting after multiple requests from me. She had a very hard time… I am not sure if she will go back or not. I am grateful for this article. I can help her complete 2 of the 4 things listed above at our home with me by her side. I can only hope that in time she will be able to utilize the other two as well.
Respectfully.