Help, I am using pornography
“A moment comes for [many pornography users] when the consequences are so great or the pain is so bad that [the user] admits life is out of control because of his or her sexual behavior.” Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes
In looking back, many of us see that regardless of how, why, or when it began, there came a time when we were not only aware of the power this thing held over us, but that we were acting against our will. Only when we tried stopping did we see that we were captive to a force stronger than we, at the mercy of a power greater than ourselves. White Book, Sexaholics Anonymous
Everyone seeking help related to pornography use asks the question… Am I Addicted?
Answer these simple S.A.F.E. questions about your sexual thoughts and behavior:
1) Is it a Secret? Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.
2) Is it Abusive to self or others? Anything that is harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate and reinforce addictive behavior.
3) Is it used to medicate painful Feelings? If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.
4) Is it Empty of a caring, committed relationship? A healthy, emotionally intimate dimension in relation to a spouse is fundamental. Otherwise, there is great risk of sexual fantasy and behaviors which harm that relationship. (Adapted from writings of Patrick Carnes)
The physical and physiological aspects of the addictive process are becoming increasingly identifiable, and sexual addiction shares elements in common with other addictions. White Book, Sexaholics Anonymous
All addictions appear to cause physical changes (shrinkage) in control and pleasure areas of the brain; this has been well demonstrated in both drug addictions (cocaine and methamphetamine), and in “natural” addictions (obesity and sexual addiction). Significantly, recent studies show that recovery with healing allows the brain to return to a more normal state in both drug (methamphetamine) and natural (obesity) addictions. He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
[Lustful arousal when viewing] pornography causes release of adrenaline from an area in the brain called the locus coeruleus, and this makes the heart race in those who view, or even anticipate, viewing pornography. The sexual pleasure of pornography may be partially caused by release of dopamine from the ventral tegmental area, and this stimulates the nucleus accumbens, one of the key pleasure centers of the brain. He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
Hope for Recovery- There is hope for those caught in the trap of pornography or sexual addiction, afraid to admit or talk about their pain. The principal barriers to recovery are secrecy and self deception. Perhaps, with the secret revealed in a safe place, the victim of this bondage to sexual lust can get past the shame and discover the peace and self-acceptance that comes with knowing it can be talked about! This is where healing begins and then continues as those who struggle share their experience, strength and hope. SA Lifeline Foundation
If you are one who is trapped in the Internet porn/cybersex addiction cycle you may be in complete denial and refuse to admit that there is a problem. You may have tried to stop again and again but the result is always the same: after an hour, a day, a week, a month or even a year of maintaining self control, you always end up returning to the pit of porn/cybersex and the addiction cycle starts all over again. Is there any hope of escape? The clear and resounding answer is “YES!” Dr. Victor Cline
Pornography Addiction Recovery
There is Hope for Recovery!
What do you want? Ask yourself: Do I want to be struggling with this problem in ten years, or do I want to look back on this as a painful learning experience which I haven’t visited for ten years? After you have decided that recovery is for you, that you (truly want to break the chains) the time has come for the next questions which are closely related to the first: What am I willing to do? How far (am I) willing to go? In answering these questions we come to the fundamental question at hand: How does one change from being “deeply soiled in sin” to a person firm in recovery with years of sobriety who has become spiritually pure?
He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
1-Come Out of Hiding -Given the nature of addiction, it will be impossible to actually quit the behavior without the assistance of others. In secrecy, you may think you can overcome the addiction by willpower alone and may go for extended periods of abstinence. At some point, however when the stress is right, isolation returns, and old patterns are rekindled and acting out in the addiction is inevitable. The addiction may lie dormant for months in some cases depending on the resistance, but it will return if the person is not in full recovery. He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
2-Safe Environment-Recovery is a lifestyle change. Activities, relationships or environments that expose a person seeking recovery to “triggering” circumstances greatly increase the chances for “slips” and relapse. Every effort must be made to “stay safe” by avoiding entertainment with sexual content as well as all known sexually triggering environments. Appropriate measures must be taken to insure safe use of the internet.
SA Lifeline Foundation Steven Croshaw
3-Education -”The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.” Herbert Spencer
“We give them a lot of reading to do in the sex addiction area …filled with successful recovery biographies, … We want them to be “world experts” on the nature of sex addiction, its genesis, its course, and helpful treatment procedures.” Dr Victor Cline
4-Counseling - “Sex and porn addictions require therapists with special training in these areas for patients to have a good chance of recovery. Anyone now seeking professional help will need to check very carefully the background experience of any therapists that they might chose to treat them. What you are looking for is a “sex addiction therapist” from any of the mental health healing disciplines who has a good track record in treating this problem and personal values that are reasonably congruent with the patient’s values.” Dr Victor Cline
5-Involve ecclesiastical leader(s) “By this shall ye know if a man repenteth of his sins; behold, he will confess them and forsake them.” Doctrine and Covenants 58:43
“Confession is a prerequisite to forsaking and helps others know of their sincere repentance.” He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
6-Take refuge in God “We admitted we were powerless over lust, and our lives had become unmanageable.” (Step1) “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him” (Step 3) White Book Sexaholics Anonymous “Step Three calls for affirmative action for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God … into our lives.” – Twelve and Twelve, pp. 34-35
7-12 Step –“Rarely Have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” “No one seems able to stay sober and progress in recovery without participating in the fellowship of recovery” White Book, Sexaholics Anynomous
“In addition to having a competent qualified sex addiction therapist the patient will also need to attend regularly-(90% of the time) for two years or longer-weekly meetings of Sexaholics Anonymous (or other similar 12-Step support group)”. Dr Victor Cline
“When we receive the truth we will be saved by it. We will not be saved merely because someone taught it to us, but because we received and acted upon it.” Joseph F. Smith
“There is an attractive healing atmosphere in confidential, anonymous 12-step meetings when someone is transparent and self-revealing at depth. Vulnerable and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be. We speak of our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and THIS becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union. Once this single ray of truth and light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present. Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.” White Book, Sexaholics Anynomous
The 12 Step Solution
Our problem is physical, emotional and spiritual. Healing must come about in all three areas. The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted that our habit had us whipped. We came to 12-step meetings and withdrew from our habit.
We discovered we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn’t kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive. Encouraged to continue, we turned more and more away from our isolating obsession with sex and self and turned to God and others. All this was scary. We found that others had traveled this path before. Learning a new way to surrender to God’s power, we found this surrender was killing the obsession! We had stepped into the light, into a whole new way of life. The safety of fellowship with others in recovery gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed. Instead of covering for feelings with compulsive sex, we began exposing the roots of our spiritual emptiness and hunger. And the healing began.
Facing our character defects we became willing to change. As defects were surrendered we began to be more comfortable with ourselves and others for the first time without our “drug”. We tried to right our wrongs and at each amends the dreadful load of guilt dropped from our shoulders until we could lift our heads, look the world the eye and stand free. We were learning how to give; and the measure we gave was the measure we got back. We were finding what non of the substitutes had ever supplied. We were making the real Connection. We were home. Adapted from the SA White Book
A personal experience with 12 Step “Around age thirty-two, one of the many bishops who had tried to help me overcome this addiction told me about a 12 Step program for sexual addiction. I didn’t even know what a 12 Step program was, but my bishop told me that another member of my congregation had found success there. At this point, I was willing to try anything. I went to my first 12 Step meeting and was very nervous. It turned out that the people there were just like me and had been in predicaments similar to mine but were now changing for the better. I identified with what they were saying, and I got hope in that first meeting that this might actually work. I was no longer alone. I kept going back to the 12 Step meetings, started “working the steps,” and began to see real changes in my behavior and in my level of peace and joy. It was a rocky road in the beginning for a while, but with a lot of meetings and working the steps, I became free from these addictions and then started to work on overcoming the effects that all of those years of addiction had on me.” Anonymous Selected from a recovery story, He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
Recovery is a Spiritual Experience - “We use the words spiritual in referring to that aspect of ourselves underlying and determining all our attitudes, choices, thoughts, and behavior-the very core of personality, the very heart of the person. If we can see how the addictive process involves this most fundamental aspect of our being, we will be able to understand why recovery-whatever else we make it-must be a spiritual process.” White Book Sexaholics Anonymous
Being “Healed of This Addiction”
Many times, I (and others I have listened to) say that they want to be “healed of this addiction.” Many times, what they mean by that is that they want to never be tempted again. In my experience, that’s not how this works. I was not “healed” from ever being tempted by these addictions again. The healing I have seen in myself happens at a much deeper level than the addiction, and so the need for the addiction as a painkiller becomes diminished. At the same time, my faith in Christ increases so that I end up wanting Him and His peace more than I want the false relief of the addiction. Before, I couldn’t choose to resort to my addiction or not. Now I can choose to resort to my addiction or not. I can choose!
I don’t want my agency to be “healed” or taken away from me, I want my defects to be healed and faith to be increased so that I can finally choose to walk away from these addictions in peace. This has happened to me, and it is a wonderful place to be. Of course, since I still have agency, I must maintain the humility and faith necessary to remain free by choosing to walk away from addiction and sin. Anonymous From Appendix A, He Restoreth My Soul Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
This information is compiled by SA Lifeline Foundation. For more information on the questions: Help, I’m using pornography- Help, A loved one is using pornography- Help, I need more information – Go to salifeline.org
Steven Croshaw, President SA Lifeline Foundation 801-787-0391