Why did you stay? The most often asked question of me.
At the time of the first disclosure, I was so naïve and without any information. I had a strong commitment to the marriage and our family and I believed that people can change-repent and put behaviors behind them. But I also felt hat I must be in some way responsible. If only I was more beautiful, more sexual, a better person and even smarter, then surely he wouldn’t have the need to go to pornography and other acting out behaviors.
The second time he came forward and disclosed, I was extremely upset and spent hours in bitter tears and anguish. But then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and went to work. I decided that this was more than a few slips of judgement. The idea of an addiction emerged. So I found a specialist in the field of sexual addiction, I read books- I encouraged him to go to a support group- I did the work. He was willing to go along with it but didn’t become fully engaged.
The third time, I had a total surrender moment- I surrendered to God, and I knew that I had done all that I could and probably more than I should have. All my hard work to pull him along had not helped him and perhaps I had even enabled his addiction. I believed that the marriage was over. He had had his own surrender moment the night before unbeknownst to me and had determined to do all that it takes to change. It was hard for me to believe or trust that. The therapist that my husband found asked me in our first meeting if I could stay in the marriage if my husband was in recovery. I knew that I had never seen recovery and said so. And how could I trust what recovery looks like? With a great deal of confidence the therapist said, “You will know”.
Today I do know what it looks like.
All this experience has shown me that I didn’t cause my husband’s addiction, I can’t control it and I can’t fix it.
Those statements are freeing to me but I also know that I have felt in the past that if I can’t do something about a difficulty that is so troubling to me and tearing my family apart, I feel hopeless and helpless. I learned that there were some things that I could do.
I needed healing from the trauma, not because I was weak but because I was hurt.
The following are some of the actions I took to heal and improve my life.
- Self-care (not to be confused with selfishness)
Slow down physically and emotionally. I took long walks where I looked to the mountains and sang songs of faith to myself. I determined to get enough rest, exercise, and nutrition. I tried to look out side myself and give small acts of service, especially to my children. I learned to take care of myself a little better.
There was a tendency to withdraw from society and people around me so it was helpful to find those whom I could reach out to which takes me to the next point.
- Finding support and safety
A support group of women who have been through this and are working their programs of healing has been very important to me- I find safety there. A sponsor is also important. Someone who can understand, guide and encourage me is critical.
Qualified counseling is also helpful.
Developing a strong spiritual connection is of utmost importance and an informed and inspired ecclesiastical leader can be a wonderful support. The process of healing is a spiritual process that cannot be underestimated- regardless of a person’s religious background.
Creating safety through boundariesMy motto is: “I happily support my husband’s recovery action and behaviors but I refuse to enable addict behaviors”.
Some examples of Recovery actions are:
Daily total honesty, attending his support group and working his steps and turning toward relationships. Addict behaviors are
Blaming, victim attitude, resentment, denial and minimizing.I must be true to myself and what I believe to be right and I make choices about the behaviors that I can accept in my life, my home and family based on that truth. This helps me to feel safe.
We have in our home a very important visual reminder, a painting entitled, ”Gently Up the Stream” by Linda Curley Christenson. I see myself as the woman in the left canoe. I am gently rowing my canoe, doing my own work to heal. My husband is gently rowing his canoe working his recovery daily. Thankfully we are still in the same river, headed in the same direction and close to each other but I know that I have choices. I can stay or I can go and there are many women who out of no fault of their own have had to leave their marriages. But the biggest choice that I make every day is how I feel. If I live in the past I live with resentment, bitterness and victim. If I live in the future, I live with fear which paralyzes me. I choose to live in the present and feel gratitude for the present blessings and gifts that are mine. I live where my feet are…one day at a time.
I understand that you will not tolerate addict behaviors, and have listed what they look like, but how do you not tolerate them? What would be your action or response if those addict behaviors were exibited? What if your husband relapsed? How many months/years of relapse is acceptable to stay in the marriage and not be separated? Does the husband have access to a wife sexaully if he is looking at pornography? It is the same as adultry and I would not have sexx with my husband if he refused to stop seeing his mistress so how is it different/same with porn? I need practical advice on how to not tolerate the continued addict behaviors. He has promised change again, but has been “in recovery” for 4 years and never sober for any extended time. Just caught him again Friday night and said I wanted a divorce. He is a “Christian” who reads Bible every day and prays with me every day, but promises are only lip service. No active recovery or accountability partner. Where do I draw the line on what I will tolerate? Oh, he lied to me prior to marriage. Was open about his “past” addiction but had been delivered. Gave his testimony and we discussed in depty. come to find out, he was watching porn prior to us dating, while we dated and after we were married and then I caught him 3 months into marriage. I discoverd all the lies. We have been married six months and I am so full of anger I can barely focus on any future. I cannot beleive a thing he says. Suggestions?
This is my second time around. I know this sounds harsh, but be grateful that you have not been at this twenty years and have an STD because of this. It is imparitive that you learn what you are dealing with. He will not stay sober if he does not attend SA or another twelve step meeting. He cannot masturbate in my opinion. They don’t look and not touch, and in time, the touching himself will get boring and he will need and want to act this out with another human, animal, male etc. This is a brain disease and the lobe of their brain that should tell them “this aint right:- is TURNED OFF COMPLETELY. The sex addict feels like it is life and death to look. They feel it is more important than food and water. When they are trying on will power to not masturbate to porn we call it white knuckling and this will never work but for short periods of time. I would go to recoverynation.org and try working their program or have your husband if you can afford it, go into a treatment like The Meadows, but if you are a Christian, I would not go to a co-ed treatment center like Forrest General / Gently Path. Their disclosure is brutally undeveloped for the wife and there are so many young interns walking around, they go to coed AA meetings, and work out at the YMCA with women in their sports bras walking around. They do get work done there, but it is very distracting. Half the people try and hook up. That will be at ALLco-ed treatment centers which will only traumatize you more. Addicts that struggle from this need to start by committing to 90 meetings in 90 days. You can go so saphonemeetings.com and pick up the schedule for phone meetings daily, so there are no excuses to not get a meeting in , but the face to face meetings are crucial. These guys need to have guys – not you – to discuss their lust with daily. They have enough porn stored in their brains alone for decades and it pops up and in any time they chose it as well as in times where they don’t want it to pop in. PLEASE don’t do what I did and BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS. Their words are not something to build a life around, and I would not have children with a sex addict unless he is literally working this program like it is his last breath. Most of us have an STD or two. Most of us have seen relapse after relapse. Check out junkywifesclub on line. Read about the parenting plans that are needed if you have children to an addict that you are divorcing. Internet porn now is hard core. This is a progressive illness and these guys are not looking at pretty ladies. The net offers everything including child pornography, and many at the treatment centers are there because their pastor husband was viewing underage (anything under 18) porn and this is a federal offense. Imagine the feds showing up and knocking at your door and taking dad away for 15 years. This is not funny! A man that says he hasnt checked out teen porn is a liar. Don’t be blinded by his handsomeness nor how good he feels. Praise him for trying to do it on his own, but his brain is screaming at you both right now, I NEED MORE! I applaud you for being on line and trying to get help. I think the best stay or go website is the junkywivesclub and dailystrength. Check them out and ask questions as they come into your mind. Porn KILLS- families, spirits, trust, and self esteem. I am floored by how serious I did not take this twenty years ago and now am trying to get my life back together which is in smitherenes. Where do you think molestors and rapists come from? Porn only lasts so long. When prostitutes which majority of them do go to in time don’t work and chat rooms and 900 numbers arent getting it, they try same sex relations and it isnt enough, so they go into swinging and group and thats not enough, they get into bondage and dark stuff and that is where they remain trying to get their hit and the hit doesnt come. They find themselves raping and touching people while they are asleep. Ever found your husband staring at your while you are asleep in the middle of the night? Does he ever tell you he doesnt want to go with you somewhere cause he is tired? He may be masturbating to your Good Housekeeping magazine. All they need is an image. He no longer will watch tv or go on line period in our home, and we keep all printed material “put away”. I get the mail etc. Why? Because these guys are WEAK and will always be WEAK. This does not go away, it only gets a bit better and we try to “Cage it” at best. They relapse. YOU have to ask yourself if you want to stay in a relationship with a ticking time bomb. There are NO guarantees with an addict. This is no different than someone trying to kick meth or heroin. Experts say that porn gives them a hit 8-10 times stronger than the most addictive substances out there. ITs powerful and you have to have strong strong WHAT YOU WON’T HAVE AND WONT TOLERATE in your house. We had to forbid daddy from TV. Commercials are just too much now. One Victorias Secret Commercial and these guys go bonkers inside. It is all they can do to not go on line or somewhere to act out. They have to be in serious counseling. The counselor needs to be a sexologist / and or CSAT certified, and at it a long time. Dont – in my opinion go to someone that doesnt deal with this, and last but not least, if you are in alot of emotional pain, buy Your Sexually Addicted Spouse- by Barb Steffens. THIS IS THE ONE AND ONLY BOOK OUT THERE RIGHT NOW THAT GETS THE WOMANS TRAUMA DUE TO THIS, AND GET THAT WE NOW STRUGGLE WITH POST TRAUMATIC STRESS. I wish you luck and pray that you either get him committed to a very very strong program or get out. This is a life of misery for those of us that believe their lies. You will see that the only way to stay married to a sex addict is to have them gladly commit to taking polygraphs. We are all doing it, and it is the only thing that makes sense in this lust filled world.. Not because they are bad guys but because they have a retarded brain (literally) and when it kicks on, it cares about no one. Not even them! Blessings to you both……………….please take this serious. I am talking from experience. GET HIM HELP! AND DON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! Husband: Don’t take this as bashing. This disease wants and will get all of you if you don’t get more serious. Try checking out safefamilies.org and watch the pdf on sexual recovery. It may take you an hour or so but if you follow it, one day at a time, you have a chance of a future………………………xoxoxo
I realize I did not directly answer your question…………………and I so feel for how sad and devastated you are. I hope you do get Barbs book. You are a woman of faith. You should not accept ANY porn. The luke warm will be spit out of his mouth…………………….with the sexually immoral do not even eat. WWJD? If I was looking at porn and reading the bible, I would be looking for lighting bolts to strike me. To fear the Lord and have reverence for him is the beginning of wisdom. TO THINK OF IT YOU HAVE COMMITTED ADULTRERY IN YOUR MIND. I am in a hurry and sorry for not quoting where these scripture all are in the Bible (Shame on me) but you probably have done word studies, or already know these. If you love him, you will not enable him to continue hurting himself (and you) – by looking at all to porn. PORN KILLS – period. Love yourself enough to not settle, and show him your strength. This is a demon waiting to devour. Don’t let it get all of you – or most of it. Fight, and the way to fight an addict is through tough love. Read the book Tough Love if you must but the sites I mentioned earlier will really help you. You can ask a ton of gals and they will answer in minutes. My answer is you should accept ZERO. If he cares about you, addicted or not, he will hear your message. If you leave and seeing you gone he STILL doesnt get help, then you know you were doing the right thing. God did not want a marriage from you based on lies, and this can be annulled. He was unable to at the time of your marriage to care for you. You can walk Scott free if he won’t commit. But STOP settling for this pain. You are enabling him if you don’t get those boundaries in place. Would you want to be married to him if he does occassional heroin? Right! There is no such thing – they are either on it or looking for it. Do not be deceived! LOVE YOU! Will pray for you and sorry no one answered you sooner…………………
I am blown away! I never understood what was happening to my life until I found this site. I never read my story so clearly than I did the articles here. I am in my second round. I never saw the train coming. I was happy, felt safe and never had a single clue. Even looking back it was never evident. I found out 2 years ago and my husband went to the bishop and I thought it was over, in Dec. I found it again on his phone browser. These episodes are 3-4 months in length and on going for the past 7 years. We have been married for 26 years. I found out during the first experience that he had had an affair and then got on line and participated in pornography off and on for 2 years and again in Dec. for 3 or 4 months (I think, but, what do I know anything anymore for sure. I feel like I ‘m losing my mind. I don’t sleep and I cry all the time. I have a stomach ache constantly. I know that divorce is eminent. I loved my husband more than life, we have 7 extraordinary children. Help, please, Please. Where do I start, What do I do? Where do I go?
We’ve been married 28 years. Two years ago we were shown an anti-porn film at church. On the way home (the kids had walked home) I asked if he had a problem with porn and he said, “Yes.” It completely blew me away. Completely. I cried and told him that it feels exactly like adultery to me. I bring it up off and on.
You said you had no clue. I think you had clues or it was a steady coldness. I had clues. After business trips (where the main looking happened) he would bring home souvenirs for us. That was so opposite his very tight-grip-on-money nature. I always thought that was weird, like he was guilty or something.
Then there was his coldness to me after the trips. I wondered what was wrong. Now I know.
He would be more reluctant to go to the temple with me. HE SHOULD BE, THE BUGGER!!!!!!!
I remember a trip to Disneyland with him. My little brother lived in the area and would soon be moving. We left our 2 oldest with Grandma and took our babe to be tended by my sister-in-law. I thought we would have a wonderful close time on our day alone at Disneyland. It WAS NOT. I didn’t know why. Now I know.
I’ve never really been satisfied with having his last name. Now I know why.
I’ve dreamed of being with other guys. Now I know why.
I’ve dreamed for many months of how I am going to support myself and take care of my youngest daughter. I dream I’m with her at my parents’ home, trying to go to school or work, and worrying about who will take care of her. I told my husband when I left him, he would have to take care of the girls because I couldn’t support them. This youngest and I are joined at the hip. It would probably kill her.
People say, “All the good he has done through the years, stands.” But what about 28 years of betrayal to me. Augh, I don’t know.
Interesting: the time I started vaginal hemorrhaging was when he was on a business trip. Hmm… My spirit knew what was wrong and my uterus was crying, bleeding to death. I suffered with it for seven years before I had a vaginal ablation (burning) that stopped all bleeding.
When I asked him the question and he said yes, he was serving in the stake High Council. HE WAS ON THE HIGH COUNCIL!!!!!! I was very disturbed about his problem. I decided to mention it at ward and stake temple recommend interviews. Once I made an appointment with the stake president to tell him. He called in my man and counseled with him. But it wasn’t enough.
So it all blew up two weeks ago. I was so sick of him being so controlling with money and the porn problem that I told him it was the end, I was leaving. I had plans of how to do it all. I’ve thought since, “How can I be so cold to my children and the man who has sustained me through heavy trials of nervous breakdowns, etc?” But then I know why. I have to. I have to. DANG!
So now we go to weekly porn addiction meetings, wives separate from husbands. Those wives are my sustaining, and we correspond inter-weekly, too.
That first day I was SOOO mad that I wanted everyone to know about him so they could feel sorry for me, for all the hurt I feel. I told our three girls away from home. I told my parents. I told his parents. He told our 16 and 12 year olds. The younger girls have not talked about it to me, but I’m sure it bothers them. The older girls are VERY supportive of me. One had a boyfriend with porn problems that almost killed her last year. She’s now happily married to one who doesn’t have them (he says).
But who do we trust? I bet 1 out of 2 males are addicted to pornography. Maybe more. All boys are shown it around age 7 or before.
My man has been honest with me, sort of, for two years. He told me to ask, “How are you doing?” every so often so he could report to me. Now I’m SICK SICK SICK of checking up on him. He reports to our home teacher, who was excommunicated at one time for sexual problems. He also visits with the bishop weekly.
I don’t like what my dad tells me. He says, “Stand with your man.” He says, “Be strong.” Well, guess what, I don’t feel strong, most of the time I don’t want to stay with my man, and I just want to cry all the time! (I’m crying now.)
It seems the only time he’s really sorry about it is when I cry. Do I cry forever?
The gravity of it hit him when the bishop asked to take back his temple recommend. My husband decided not to take the sacrament for a week or two. WHAT OF MY 28 YEARS OF SUFFERING!!!!!!!!!! He can stand in Melchizedek priesthood circles again. I think maybe he needs excommunication. But then the Spirit can’t help him. Hmmm….
How can I keep thinking, “I’m leaving,” then “I’m staying”, ad nauseum. We haven’t told the little girls that I was/am ready to leave him. Maybe they know. I hate this instability for their dear tender lives.
AAUUGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the venting.