Finding Peace Through the Surrender Process w/ Heather B

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Hey, we're so pleased that you're here with us. And before we get rolling with this wonderful interview with Jonathan and guest Heather B., I wanted to remind you of the upcoming SAL 12-Step in-person conference, which will be Saturday, April 18th, from 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM at Utah Valley University. Now, if you're listening and you're thinking, you know, I don't do 12-step, but you're interested in starting to work the steps, this would be a great opportunity to understand what they are, how to actually work them, and a great boon to your recovery.

And if you're listening and you're thinking, I've been doing 12-step for a while, I don't think there's anything new that they can teach me, I'd encourage you to come share your strength, hope, and experience with those who are new to the SAL 12-step community and help Build others up and work your 12-step. There's so much to be said for the power of connection and gathering. And of course, you won't want to miss guest speakers, therapists Amanda Christensen and Josh Walpole, both experts in the fields of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.

You'll also hear from founders of SA Lifeline, Stephen and Real Croshaw, and many others who are serving in our SAL 12-step program. So please come join us. work your 12th step, and get some momentum in your healing. Please go to sal12step.org to register. Tickets are just $15, and we hope to see you there. Now to the show.

Jonathan L: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I am your host, Jonathan L., and I am a recovering addict to sex and lust. And today I am joined by Heather. Heather, I'm so excited to chat with you today and talk about a really important topic Surrender that for some people seems a little ambiguous, difficult to comprehend, but is key to recovery. Primarily, I want to focus in on your journey that has given you the opportunity to really exercise this methodology of surrender.

I would love to get a little bit of your background, your experience, what brought you to the Rooms of Recovery and why we're talking today.

Heather B: I'm happy to be here. So for me, coming to understand the surrender process and my relationship with God, I think has been a process of experimenting, and it's definitely a journey I'm still on. And just to demonstrate some of the journey of the trial and error and discovery, um, I'd like to mention a couple of significant moments in my life where God and prayer were the safest and only place I could turn. I think back when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, my dad was angry and hurting my mom, and this was a common occurrence.

In my family that not many were aware of. I had 4 younger siblings and they were turning to me for safety and comfort. And I didn't really know what the outcome was going to be with all of that. And so the visual that comes to mind for me is I would often gather my younger siblings around me, kind of like a hen with her baby chicks. And We would kneel in prayer and I would offer this prayer out loud with all the sincerity and courage that I had in that moment.

And even though it didn't necessarily stop the abuse, I do remember feeling peace coming from that. And then I think of another significant memory later on when I was 12, turning 13 the next day. Mm-hmm. My oldest brother, he was hit by a man who was under the influence of a substance and had to be life-flighted. And so I was in that position again of being the oldest daughter and taking care of 4 younger siblings and gathering them, kneeling in prayer and praying out loud to the God of my understanding.

And then after getting siblings in bed and Just laying alone in bed, awake, wondering what was going to happen, feeling the anxiety of the unknown and the fear. I prayed and just pleaded that my brother would be all right until exhaustion overtook me. And my brother did end up passing through the night. And at that time, as a newly 13-year-old, I chose to draw nearer to the God of my understanding. Hmm. When my family moved away from God.

The third memory that I'd like to share that kind of demonstrates coming to understand my relationship a little bit with the God of my understanding is when I was 20 and I was engaged to my first husband. It was 3 weeks from the wedding and I had the worst feeling in my gut. About moving forward. I prayed and I fasted earnestly. That's a practice that is in my faith. And I would seek counsel with others. As a side note here, I, it was a common practice for me to suppress emotion and ignore my body due to the foundation of multi-generational trauma and sexaholism with multiple people.

In each generation passing down trauma and sexaholism. I didn't understand all of this at that time, but as I continued to pray and seek to know what I should do, I ended up just pushing through it and getting married, which was kind of a common thing that I would do is pushing through stuff. I pushed forward relying on myself instead of relying on God. And Um, within days, my world became heavy and dark. I was married for 6 months with several discoveries of addiction, and the final addiction that I discovered was pornography.

And so during that marriage, I lived in isolation, trying to overcome these addictions for my spouse, exhausting every option I had, trying to prevent acting out. Mm-hmm. Self-sacrificing and caretaking so extensively to the point that I was passing out regularly. And it was just, it was a really dark time. I felt betrayed, unappreciated, hurt, and alone. And God was the safest place for me to turn at that time. There wasn't really anyone else to talk to.

And so I cried my heart out to God in pain and discouragement, seeking to know what I should do. I came to the realization that I couldn't help my husband. Only God could. Yeah. I also realized that my husband needed to want to change. It was a significant moment of surrender without actually having learned the surrender process yet. And I knew I had a choice at that time. I didn't have any children. I was only 6 months into this marriage.

I could leave, or I could stay and accept that addiction would be a part of my life and my future children's lives. And so I, I felt like I had seen and experienced what I needed to, and I turned to God in complete surrender, telling him that I was ready to leave. I didn't know how I was going to do this, and I needed his help. And so over the next couple weeks, I saw miracles of God's hand in my life.

I received a spiritual impression to serve a mission for my church. Wow. I didn't even know if that was possible at that time. And then just, this was during the challenges of the economy in 2008 and 2009. So my husband had not worked our entire marriage and he was called out on a job for 5 days. Um, a friend unexpectedly came to town and she helped me move out. And so there were just so many undeniable miracles. Yeah. And so I, as I did step forward into that new and unknown journey, trying to trust the God of my understanding and, and just really letting go, there were a lot of setbacks, but eventually I was able to serve a mission a year later.

And this changed me. This changed my relationship with God and the trajectory of my life. So at that time, I hadn't healed from trauma. I still was unaware that I had experienced complex trauma and betrayal trauma, but I had definitely developed a deeper sense of trust in the God of my understanding and knew that I needed his help with dating and eventually remarrying. And so as I moved forward with that, there were a lot of practices that I did.

Every single date, I said a prayer before and after. And just, I hadn't really restored that trust in myself, but I did trust God, and I knew he would guide me. So at that time, I didn't know if there was a man that existed who wasn't addicted to pornography. When I met my second husband, there was a learning curve for me coming from a foundation of multigenerational trauma and addiction. I was discovering my self-worth in a beautiful way through the standards and morals of my second husband.

And the example that I'd like to give of that is at that time when we were engaged, many women my age were, that were getting married would have photographers take pictures of them in lingerie and they would give that as a gift to their soon-to-be husband. And So my second husband, as my fiancé at that time, I had asked him what he thought about that and if that was something he wanted. And his response was very surprising to me.

He said, what would I even do with that? And he expressed genuine concern for my safety and privacy and expressed that that is a gateway to pornography. So little by little, line upon line, developing this open, honest relationship, I felt like it was a good option to marry my second husband. I had a lot of learning to do. I mean, it was a learning experience for both of us, but reflecting back, I just think of the learning curve.

My husband, all these old tools that I used to use of self-sacrificing and evolving around another person and caretaking, it wasn't effective. And I didn't feel like in a lot of ways he was expecting it. And so it left me feeling sometimes rejected or frustrated because these old tools weren't working. And I was going to college at that time and, and he just, he had My goals were just as important to him as they were to me.

And, and so little by little, I mean, through this marriage of 13 years now, we have had our struggles, but being in a relationship with someone that didn't necessarily have addictive behavior, um, or come from a similar background as I did, it was all new to me. And over the next few years, I was— Mm-hmm. Starting to unlearn some of these behaviors and trying to figure out what to replace it with. And that was a hard journey.

Sometimes I was white-knuckling through frustrations or big emotions and, and I was trying to, I just, I wondered what was wrong with me because I, I felt like I would be reactive sometimes. 7 years into our marriage was the pandemic. And we were brand new parents and I was using some old tools. I was yelling. I had yelled at my husband for the second time in front of our child. And I think that at that time, that's when I recognized that my life had become unmanageable, um, that I needed help, that I didn't want that for my family, and that I couldn't overcome That on my own.

I reached out to an ecclesiastical leader and he had suggested trying therapy, and I accepted that. And my husband supported me in that. And there is where I learned that I had experienced trauma, and it kind of felt like I was untangling jewelry, coming to see truth and understand myself and my past more clearly than I ever had known. And the truth was so liberating for me. I couldn't get enough of it. I just kept opening wound after wound and experiencing the emotion of it and identifying the emotion and just labeling things correctly.

So it was a really challenging time, but it was also a really beautiful time because I just couldn't get enough of the liberation that I was feeling. And my husband had a front row seat to all of it, all of the PTSD symptoms and reliving that emotion. And I will forever just have a deep gratitude for the way that he has supported me as I have sought to heal and change generational cycles or break generational cycles.

As I worked with that therapist, I also started reaching out to my husband's aunt, Which is co-founder, Raelle Croshaw. And she taught me the surrender process. She had offered her voicemail box to me and to witness my surrenders. And at that time, I had not attended a meeting yet. I didn't really have a deep understanding of where betrayal trauma applied in my life, but I immediately accepted this offer. And started using the surrender process multiple times a day.

And she was very generous in saying, just communicating to me that she had boundaries and that I could trust her boundaries and that her voicemail box was available 24/7. And at that time, I was in the newborn phase with our second child. And so surrendering at night was a very common practice for me. Or even before I went to bed, sometimes I would experience major anxiety going to bed of what the night was going to consist of, or if I was going to relive some traumatic events from childhood.

And the surrender process just became a regular practice at that time of before I went to bed, surrendering the outcome of the night, or Uh, whatever I was trying to manage with this newborn that I'm trying to get to know, I reached out often and I saw that it worked. I discovered quickly that the surrender process worked. This became one of my main tools and brought me out of isolation about shame that I felt for using old tools like yelling at my husband.

Jonathan L: I, first off, thank you for taking the time to tell us the story. I know that it's a lot, but quite frankly, it's something that needed to get out because Because you brought up some really beautiful stuff in here. And what I really loved, you said this phrase, it was that it felt like untangling jewelry. And that's, I've not heard that before, but I love it because it's the idea that there's something beautiful but not usable because it's all tangled up.

And that's, isn't that fascinating? I just love the way you put that. That was really great. So the question I have for you then is, as we look at this, because today we're talking about surrender, which you've highlighted really well, there's a couple of things I want to help other people kind of grasp in your story and use in their own, maybe as they go forward. So surrender is a weird term when you first come into the rooms of recovery, whether you're on the addict side or the betrayed partner side.

But the question here might be, let's focus on betrayed partners. That word surrender might even be a little offensive or chafing at the beginning of like, give up control, let go of it. It might be like a caving into the situation. Did you ever experience that? And if you did, did you ever have to move past it? How did you? It sounds like you've done a lot of work on this.

Heather B: That's a good question. For me, if there is any caving in or giving up in the surrender process, the way that I view it is it's really giving up relying on myself and my own understanding. It's giving up on relying on my own will and my own human capacity. That it's not really a place of defeat. Um, turning to a higher power who has a greater capacity than my own, who I've come to recognize loves me, desires peace for me, and wants me to be happy.

I've recognized that this has— well, and I've also learned that he has a far greater plan than I've ever had for myself. That by leaning into that, this isn't a weak thing to do. I'm, I realized that it takes greater maturity and strength to use these spiritual tools like surrender instead of referring back to old patterns and using old tools. My old tools came from survival, grooming, and conditioning. Learning how to surrender has come from honesty, humility, unlearning.

Yeah. behaviors and seeking new tools. And so it's been a very intentional process, I think takes greater strength than just giving up.

Jonathan L: That is such a good synopsis of this idea that not only does it take strength to go into surrender, but it provides strength. It's this really cool cycle that I think you've highlighted really well. It's not a weakness. And in fact, resisting surrender is what promotes a form of weakness almost. So there's this weird juxtaposition you have to overcome to get there. And I love that. And you mentioned this idea of needing to relinquish control and, and really move into letting your higher power be in charge.

I want to focus on something else really quickly. And, uh, it's this idea that there's kind of a concrete 3-step action that happens with recovery in the surrender process. And I'll be honest, before I read it in the material, I personally wasn't super familiar with this process. So maybe you can help guide me through it a little bit better, give me expert opinions here. Um, and everyone listening, but there's this on the phone, on my knees, and in the box.

Practically speaking, how does one surrender and what is this process?

Heather B: Something I have found useful by using this 3-step process is that whenever I notice or become self-aware of something that is pulling me from my serenity, pulling me from a sense of peace, or pulling me from being centered on the God of my understanding. For me, how I use the surrender process, it depends on what I specifically need in that moment or in that situation of what I turn to first. There are times I need to write it out.

I need to process it. I need to visualize it. I need to feel it before I am ready to let it go and give it to God. So that's when I start with This step in the box. And I have this little chest on my dresser where those little papers go in there, and just shutting it is a visual for me that I am letting this go. So sometimes I'll start there. Other times I feel like I need a tangible person to hear me and validate my reality.

So I will then start with on the phone. And when I start here, I really have to hold myself accountable to make sure that I turn to God afterwards, because it can be tempting for me to move on after speaking a surrender to a support person and feeling validated. I can easily slip back into old patterns of relying on a human being instead of the God of my understanding. And it takes remembering That my sense of security and safety does not come from another human being, but from my higher power.

Ideally, prioritizing going to my knees first, I feel, can be a little more effective because then I have involved my higher power in the process of writing it out and speaking it. And I find that it leads to more meditation. And spiritual connection. So I do feel like the surrender process is not complete unless you use all 3 steps. And I would even go further to say that over the years that I have practiced the surrender process, I've realized that it almost feels incomplete if I'm not seeking the wisdom of my higher power of what boundary I need or what the next step is.

Yeah. So I feel like with me, this phone box, it could easily have an added step of what is my next step or seeking wisdom or what boundary do I need? Because I think that's where I feel the power in being able to protect my serenity, that it's not just easily taken away by figuring out a boundary centered on the God of my understanding. The visual that I love Is that I have my own set of oars and my own boat, and I can choose to stay in those rough waters and continue to surrender to God, but not move myself, or I can move to calmer waters.

And that's been very empowering in the surrender process for me, is recognizing my power of choice, that I can move to calmer waters, and also recognizing that. Hmm. Every person has a set of oars and their own boat, and they get to choose if they want to stay in rough waters or move to calmer waters.

Jonathan L: That's really insightful because I am certain that there is more than one person who will listen to this, who will have this concern. And you've had personal experience with this too, which I think is fascinating, is that this idea of human relationships and expecting certain outcomes in them, And I kind of want to tackle kind of 2 of my questions at once here with you, which is surrender then involves kind of giving up the expected outcomes, maybe of your marriage or your future.

Um, what's coming down the road, what you would hope to be. In your experience, how was that journey of, of, 'cause you talked about your first marriage and you talked about your second marriage now and your life experience in this. I mean, Surrendering what you expected life to look like versus what your higher power led it to be like. I mean, what's your perspective on that? And how do people come to terms with the way that the higher power is leading it versus trying to manage it?

You know?

Heather B: The first experience that I think of is when I relied on my own understanding and just powered through marrying my first husband and then moving to complete surrender of this is too much for me, and I was never meant to handle this on my own. And receiving the guidance to serve a mission, that was a completely unknown thing to me at that time. And I didn't really know what else to do with my life. And so as I just took one step forward at a time, I started recognizing that whether I got to serve a mission or not, it was bettering my life and my relationship with God, and that I was far better off following His plan than relying on my own, rather than relying on myself.

I also think of an area that I got a lot of practice surrendering the outcome. And this was also before learning the surrender process, but my husband and I have, my second husband and I have experienced infertility for 13 years and Trying to control the outcome of creating life can make you feel crazy. It— people mean well and they give so many tips and diets and all these different things that you can try. And the more that I leaned into that, the more I felt like trying to control the outcome of creating life is going to make me feel crazy.

And so I came to this level of acceptance that I was never meant to control the outcome of that and that creating life is in my higher power's hands. And so I shifted to this perspective of letting go and turning my will over to him in a way that I didn't wanna fight his will or his timing on it. And that I was willing to do whatever it took. I was willing to follow him. And so we stayed the course with all of that.

And I found that I felt a deep sense of peace by letting go in that way, surrendering the outcome, letting go of that control. And even though we still experienced so many obstacles and our faith was tested, we stayed the course and we started seeing a lot of miracles. And we do have children now. So I think of how That was a big area that I got a lot of practice in surrendering the future outcome or the outcome of the future.

And another area is when Rael taught me the surrender process, I had this fierce grip of control, of trying to control what other people thought of me and trying to prevent feeling misunderstood. I was trying to control the outcome of holding onto these relationships of loved ones, longing for them to desire to seek truth and seek healing from the trauma that we had experienced. And the consequence of that just led to more anxiety, frustration, and feeling helpless.

So when I started applying the process in that area, by letting go and letting God, Living and letting live. The consequence, it led to a sense of peace that was so tangible. Letting go led to having more, a more regulated nervous system than I had ever known. And the peace that I feel in my life now has become a place of safety and serenity. I discovered the real power and effectiveness in relationships when I Focus on the things that I can change and let go of the things that I cannot.

There is real power in connecting myself to God and having him at my center.

Jonathan L: That's some great elaboration. And you even brought it to this point that we're talking Serenity Prayer here. Now, a lot of what you've just said, which is understanding what I can't change, what I can change, knowing what's, what the difference is between the two of them and making that, taking that action. Surrender is a lot easier. This is my personal experience too. So I'm talking from my side. Surrender is a lot easier when I'm in a calm meditative state and have done my stuff for the day.

But that's not how life goes a lot of the time. When you're in an escalated emotional position, do you have any like tips or pointers for people who are listening to like, how do you get yourself to a point where you're going to be able to surrender and get out of that high emotional state? Because you talked about your nervous system and it sounds like you've had a lot of experience with managing that too now.

Heather B: The first thing that comes to mind is what my sponsor always says to me, and that is there is power in the pause and taking a breath, because that was not my way of living before. It was very just bulldoze through whatever when I felt strong emotion. Um, and then also recognizing that sometimes I'm not quite ready to turn it over to God. If I'm experiencing a big emotion. And so really differentiating between recognizing that I still need to feel this emotion so I'm not suppressing it like I used to, or that I'm not avoiding it, that the surrender process is not encouraging to suppress or avoid, but that I still experience the emotion that I need to and then turn it over to God.

And I think I've gained more tools along the way in working with a qualified therapist that taught me things like bilateral tap, going for a walk. I definitely do feel that when I am practicing my steps of doing meditation at the beginning of the day or surrendering the outcome of the day, that I'm able to tune into that better. But sometimes it does just catch you off guard and Yeah. And I use this, this phrase so much around my husband and my children, like, I need to go surrender, that sometimes my young children will even say, Mommy, did you surrender?

But I think a lot of it comes from just pausing and tuning in. What do I need? What am I feeling? What am I experiencing right now? And what is the root of this that I need to turn over to God? Yeah.

Jonathan L: I love that.

Tara McCausland: How do you feel?

Jonathan L: Does that apply to, or is there another methodology that helps with like obsessive thoughts where something you continue to ruminate on or keeps coming back up? I mean, when something's super persistent, even though you've surrendered it once, I mean, what's your methodology? Where do you go? What do you do?

Heather B: I really took it to heart when Ril had opened up her voicemail box to me that the surrender process is not just surrendering something one time. That every time that intrusive thought comes, or when you feel pulled from— whenever I recognize that I'm feeling pulled from being centered on the God of my understanding, that right at that moment, that's where I need to make that switch and surrender again. And there are times that I have surrendered like 17 times in a day.

Because I do know it works and it just, it takes practice. It's like this muscle memory of continuing, like, okay, it's back. I'm, I don't want to keep the ball. I'm going to pass it back to my higher power. And the more I do that, the more I continue to practice that, the less I see, the less I experience the intrusiveness of the thought that is obsessive or what I'm ruminating over. And little by little, it, it's almost like that thought or emotion or obsessive intrusive thought loses its power, and eventually I feel free of it.

And so I think there's a lot of power in doing it over and over.

Jonathan L: It's an exercise. I liked how you put that. It's a muscle you have to exercise so that you're able to do it more and be more effective at it, which is awesome. I love that so much. Super great perspective. Do you then, and maybe this is just because you're talking about doing this over and over and practicing it, do you have a daily spiritual practice, something you do that kind of supports this or helps you maintain that connection with God of your understanding that supports the surrender process?

Tell me a little bit more about that if you can.

Heather B: I feel like the surrender process really deepened my connection with the God of my understanding. And so And I am religious. And so that's something that I already value. Learning the— I think by focusing on having the God of my understanding at my center instead of big emotions or other people has really transformed my daily practice of viewing my connection with my higher power as a relationship instead of just a checklist or— Yeah. Something of that nature.

And so by viewing it like a relationship, that I'm not alone on this journey of breaking generational cycles, that I'm not alone facing each moment, I feel a stronger desire that I want to include my higher power in my daily practices. And what that can look like sometimes for me is starting out with prayer in my day. Although the people that have caused trauma in my life are no longer in my life, I know that I still need healing.

I know I still need to work recovery. I know that I still need to intentionally practice using these tools that I've used to replace old patterns and old thought processes and old tools. And the only way to maintain that progress is to Take it one day at a time because it's just too easy to slip back into old patterns. How that often looks for me is surrendering the outcome of a day or a moment, trying to proactively be on that side of surrendering that I'm turning my will over to God for that day, and I'm seeking his wisdom for that day instead of approaching the day relying on my own plan or my own understanding.

And by doing that, I feel like it does put me in a mindset or place to recognize when my body is dysregulated or when I have somebody else at my center instead of the God of my understanding. And so I think it's just constantly trying to check in and maintain that peace. And, and when I'm not in a place of serenity, Pausing and assessing what do I need to do to get back on track?

Jonathan L: And I like how you tied it into the step 10 kind of stuff where it's that taking that personal inventory and managing emotion as well, which is really awesome. I only have 2 more questions and thank you, by the way, for giving us this great overview of surrender, its usefulness, and what it means in the recovery cycle. There are people who may be listening to your interview. This may be the first time they've been exposed to SAL. This may be Uh, first time that they've experienced 12 steps.

Let's say that they're about to go into their first meeting. What would you say to someone who's just starting this program of recovery? Uh, what advice would you give from, from your side of having done it for a while now?

Heather B: When I reflect back to my experiences that led me to my first meeting, that's a hard place to be. And anyone that is currently in that place, A lot of emotion comes with being in that position. Taking that step forward to enter the meeting, I would encourage trying to have an open mind. And from my experience, I realized I wasn't alone. Even though the details of my story were different than the details of the stories that I was hearing, I recognized that— Mm-hmm.

I didn't have to go through this alone. And I think for me, because I learned about the surrender process before entering the meetings, hearing these women talk about the surrender process, I— it felt like home to me. Even though I still kind of struggled with knowing how I belonged there, they were using the same tool as me. They were seeking peace like I was. So I felt unity in that, that I didn't have to stay in isolation.

I didn't have to face these challenges by myself or try to learn boundaries on my own. So there's a lot of power in learning from other people's experiences, and you don't have to take everything from each meeting. I just focused on what was helpful or what applied to me, and I let go of the rest.

Jonathan L: And the last question I have for you is there are other people who have been in the meetings for quite some time now, and maybe they're just coming back or They need to hear some encouragement, uh, some words of hope. Anything that you have to share with people who have been in the program for a bit now, but could use a bit of a pick-me-up from you?

Heather B: I find that it is too easy to slip back into old patterns, old ways of thinking. It's too easy to get complacent or get distracted in today's world. There's so many distractions of what we can consume our time with or where we could put our focus. But as I reflect on my own journey and how I continued to keep coming back. What motivates me, even though I'm not married to the person that I first experienced addiction with, or I'm not in that situation of my family of origin where I was first exposed to a lot of unhealthy behaviors, that it has served me well to keep coming back because the surrender process works.

The recovery process works. And my life is just so much better when I am working intentionally towards recovery, intentionally working toward breaking generational cycles and facing each day intentionally. And I think that's the same for other people. I think that we all desire peace. And by continuing to keep coming back, you are intentionally choosing— Yeah. peace. You're intentionally choosing for yourself that you're going to do something different.

Jonathan L: That's a phenomenal place for us, I think, to end our interview. But I am so grateful, Heather, for you joining us today, sharing your hope, your healing, your recovery. Your experience is valuable. And I hope that people will take a listen, learn what they can, and join us on this pathway to recovery. Thanks.

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