Welcome to the Men’s Online Discussion

skyline-clouds_1Hey guys! Welcome to the new online discussion group for men working on recovery from sexual addiction.

We are excited to open up the conversation about sobriety and recovery.

More information will be coming as we roll this out.

We would love to have suggestions in the comments section below about what questions you have, what topics you’d like to discuss, etc.


36 thoughts on “Welcome to the Men’s Online Discussion”

  1. This is a whole new experience to connect online. I’m not much of a writer in fact I’ve always had my writing rather heavily critiqued and I’ve always been fearful of writing because of that. So I hope what is said, The content is what you’re focused on and not the way it is written. I need help to re-connect intimately with my wife that’s first and foremost, I love her with all my heart and I need help to make that happen

    1. Good to hear from you David, and no, no judgment here at all. We are all just hoping to be “fellows among fellows” sharing experiences that will benefit one another.

      As far as re-connecting intimately with your wife, I guess my first question would be

      “How is the emotional connection with your wife going?”

      For me, this has been an ESSENTIAL part of recovery – connecting emotionally first before even thinking about the physical connection or intimacy. (I hope I’m understanding what you were asking).

      Look forward to your clarification.

    1. Awesome to see you Devin! What are some questions you’ve heard from sponsees or questions you have about recovery and healing that we can discuss as a group?

      1. One of the most common questions I have heard is how to write a step one inventory, how to work the steps and when they should move to the next step.

    1. Hello Dave,

      Sorry for the delayed response.

      In regard to finding a sponsor, here are a few questions:

      1. Do you currently attend a 12 Step meeting? If so, which one and how long have you been attending?

      2. Have you got the names and numbers of people in a group that you can reach out to?

      I personally have worked with 4 sponsors. The first I found when going to a meeting back in 2008. We worked well together and I liked what he shared in group discussions. I reached out to him and asked if he’d be willing to be my sponsor and he said yes.

      Unfortunately, after working together for quite some time, I thought I’d “figured this all out” and didn’t need to communicate with him any longer. That’s when things really started going down-hill for me.

      My second sponsor was assigned to me as part of another program. He was from Missouri and we never actually met in person. But he helped me work the 12 Steps and answered questions as we progressed through the steps. After completing the 12 Steps together, we kept in contact for a while and gradually stopped communicating.

      My 3rd sponsor was someone I knew from another group I was a part of (not addiction related). He had a healthy amount of sobriety and we got a long well. He helped me quite a bit, but, again, I didn’t see him very often – he went to a different meeting and we sometimes had a hard time getting in touch due to our schedules.

      My current sponsor is someone I see at least weekly and we talk frequently. He also has a healthy amount of sobriety and has been great to give me different insights and feedback based on his experience.

      Ultimately, having a sponsor is essential for sobriety and recovery for me. Who the sponsor is is a personal decision.

      Here are some suggestions for sponsorship that may help: What Does Effective Sponsorship Really Look Like?

      I hope this helps.

      I look forward to your reply.

  2. I’d like to see some commentary on the plague of dishonesty and how it is rampant in addicts and how to overcome it. Particularly, being honest with our spouses.

      1. I also have a related question/topic for discussion: How do you all as addicts remain open and honest with your wives about your daily triggers, but avoid continuing to re-traumatize her? I feel like I am having good success with progressive victory over lust through working the program with a sponsor and surrendering triggers, however, I still have not found a healthy way to approach telling my wife about my triggers. Even though I tell her the recovery tools I am using and that I am surrendering triggers, it seems that she is re-traumatized whenever I disclose to her. Thus, currently, I am not disclosing to her frequently. Thanks Guys!

        1. This is also something i am having a very difficult time with discussing with my wife and being afraid of it retraumatizing her by telling her about my daily struggles and telling her about the extent of my addiction. Every time we bring it up, it always ends in a fight and not talking to each other for days at a time. Thank you for any advice.

  3. Another related question. I find myself struggling to be honest with my wife when she asks me if I am triggered. I have also held onto lies that my addict self says are not important to disclose. Does anyone have an idea of enforcing a bottom line that deals with being honest in all things to my wife. Any thoughts are much appreciated.

    1. Good morning Casey, Hey, completely been there! I think it’s important for you to have some daily accountability with a partner who can help you work through and process triggers daily instead of acting out, as part of your ongoing recovery work. Your wife may still be in the process of working through her own trauma, so might not be emotionally available to help you do that. Full transparency is what the goal is, and you might not be there yet. Ask yourself why. Is it shame,….or trust? Men in recovery need a safe place to discuss dark stuff. Getting these things out is hard but necessary.

  4. I would like to see some suggestions for getting more involvement in group meetings. As addicts, we struggle with connection. How can we make group meetings more meaningful through connection? What activities can we have? What are we able to do in group meetings without breaking the guidelines in the White Book or SAL literature?

    1. Great question Justin. Are you involved in online meetings or in-person meetings or both?

      I will put the question on an upcoming discussion topic.

      Some things that I’ve seen to be helpful (in no particular order):

      1. Meeting after the meeting where you get to talk to others in the meeting in a more personal way
      2. Daily connection with a sponsor and others from the group
      3. Getting together outside of meetings for lunch or dinner or other activities not related to recovery directly
      4. The online discussion group
      5. Reading a book about recovery with others (like a book club)
      6. Going to addiction recovery conferences together

      What are some ideas you have in mind?

  5. My wife is a nonmember. She doesn’t care one way or the other. So I’m alone trying and crying for sobriety. I haven’t partake the Sacrament since January. Which is also the last time I’ve been in the temple. I have 6 days of sobriety, I want badly to partake of the sacrament and go to the temple. I have a lot of work to do there. I have a person that texts me every day. This has started Sunday 23 July 2017. Maybe this is it. I hope this is it.
    I sit in sacrament meeting with my ex-bishop and he asks before the meeting starting I’m partaking the sacrament? My answer since February is no. I hate having to say no but I have to be honest. Tomorrow I’ll be attending APR. Haven’t been there in months. I hope to get a nibletof info that will keep me going ” to APR and continue my sobriety “.

      1. Extremely busy. I don’t have the time to relapse. I went thru hurricane Harvey. Ever since then, I haven’t anytime for myself let alone, be alone. A blessing in disguise. Although I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. Last Thursday I got hurt on the job. Went to workmans comp. I’m having problems that I have little control over. I’m a high school football official. I take care of the clock. This means I have to travel. I have a calling in church. So where did I go?
        I stayed out of trouble away from myself. I like it this way. I really don’t know if that’s good or not.
        Nonetheless thanks for a listening ear.

  6. I am a first timer on here and some of my addictions are exhibitionism and voyeurism and are dangerous I need to work the steps I have been to meetings in my area and the people there are barely sober and haven’t worked the steps . I understand it is a very difficult disease. I need a Sponsor but would like one with experience in recovery. I was wondering about a long distance sponsor and how to get one. I cant afford to be complacent. Any suggestions would be helpful

    1. Kent, have you started participating in the SAL online meetings? You can request a meeting invite here: https://salifeline.org/contact-us/

      Just make sure to select the “Invite to Men’s Online Meeting”

      Those meetings are with men from all over the world. Having a sponsor who helps you work the Steps is an essential part of sobriety and recovery for me.

      Hope this helps.

  7. Hey
    I’m in recovery in Australia. I’m sober 17 months. There’s not a lot of recovery here. In my home group there is 3 people with more sobriety than me and most of the others are continually slipping.
    I have 28 years sobriety in A A so i know the 12 steps work.
    I can’t seem to get the message across to the new people.
    Any ideas?
    P s , I’ll be at the conference in San Antonio in January if anyone wants to catch up?

  8. Hello everyone. I am new to SA Lifeline. I have 5 months of recovery and have been separated from my wife for the past 3 months. I am learning so much about myself and I have also learned I suffer from severe anxiety. I feel as though I just found out I have had a tumor for years that has been the root cause of so much of my struggles. I had a horrible childhood and I am just now starting to truly see its effect on me. My big question for everyone is regarding my wife. She wants a divorce. I am closer to God than I think I ever have been but I am absolutely devastated with the thought of losing my wife. Please help!

  9. I have a couple of questions…

    1) why start SA Lifeline instead of just leveraging the already existing organizations of SA, SAA, and S-Anon (looks like SA Lifeline uses Sexaholics Anonymous and S-Anon material anyway, so why not just start SA and S-Anon chapters instead of starting yet another separate organization). Seems to me like starting yet another organization dilutes the effectiveness that comes from critical mass. Would be interested to hear the rationale.

    2) Why is there an explicit assumption in the site that men are the addicts and women are the betrayed? There are many women who are the betrayers and men the betrayed… Sometimes both spouses are betraying each other in a vicious cycle of mutual hurt (my experience w/ my spouse). But I’ve known personally of women who struggled to find recovery resources because the automatic assumption is men are the addicts, and almost all groups and resources are closed to women. And same for men being excluded from betrayal trauma resources. Just curious why SA Lifeline adopted this exclusionary and narrow approach instead of taking the opportunity to address the reality of the world.

    1. Thank you for your questions.

      Regarding your first question:
      Our founders did actually attend and start a number of SA and S-Anon meetings prior to starting SAL 12-Step in 2015. We greatly appreciate the work of SA and S-Anon and use some of their materials in our meetings as you noted.

      However, SAL 12-Step differs in a variety of ways which, if you are familiar with SA and S-Anon, will be apparent in our mission statement.

      The mission of SAL 12 Step is to provide spiritually-based, gender-specific, trauma-sensitive, sponsor-essential, traditional 12 Step to a non-denominational, international audience.

      SA and S-Anon offer mixed gender meetings for those suffering from addiction and trauma. This dynamic is often problematic as it can be triggering or create an unsafe environment for both parties. Hence, SAL 12-Step offers gender specific meetings both in person and online for the betrayed and addicted.

      SAL 12-Step is spiritually based and while it is non-denominational and proselytizing is not allowed, SAL allows participants to pray from the heart and freely speak of the God of their understanding in personal shares.

      SAL 12-Step has its own definition of sobriety which is “tighter” than SA’s.

      You can look at our 2021 Impact Report for more info regarding our differences on our Donate page.

      In response to question 2:

      We are very aware that addiction and trauma are not gender specific. We have attempted a number of times to start women’s addiction meetings and men’s trauma meetings without success. SAL 12-Step is a traditional 12 step program and as such all meetings are run by volunteers working their own recovery. In order for a meeting to start and thrive, we need individuals who are in recovery and are willing to moderate them. Thus far, we have been unsuccessful in finding the numbers and commitment to maintain a women’s addiction and men’s trauma meeting. We will likely attempt to start more in the future as interest and commitment to recovery grow.

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