The following excerpts were taken from a popular Youtube video presentation from S.A. Lifeline board member, Dr. Jill Manning. Watch a shortened video excerpt here or subscribe to the Digital Recovery Library for the full presentation.
By Jill C. Manning
Betrayal trauma is a profound and often overlooked form of emotional injury that occurs when someone we deeply trust violates that trust in a critical way. As a clinician working with women who have experienced such trauma, I have seen firsthand the deep and varied impact it can have on their lives. In this post, I want to share some stories and insights to help others understand the different layers of trauma and the widespread effects that betrayal can cause.
Betrayal Trauma: A Widespread Issue
Betrayal trauma is not a rare occurrence; it affects many women deeply and in varied ways. For those unfamiliar with the concept, betrayal trauma occurs when someone who is depended upon for emotional or physical survival, such as a spouse, breaks that trust in a critical way. Secondary trauma can also occur when a woman reaches out for help and receives an unhelpful or harmful response.
Common Experiences of Betrayal Trauma
It’s important to recognize the different types of trauma that can stem from betrayal. Each experience is unique, but there are often common threads that run through these stories. Here are a few examples of women I’ve worked with, whose names have been changed for confidentiality:
- Maxine, 51: She discovered countless links to pornographic websites and sexual conversations with other women on her husband’s laptop. When she confronted him, he denied everything and suggested that she was crazy. This kind of gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the perpetrator manipulates the victim into doubting their reality.
- Rachel, 39: During a routine physical exam, she learned that she had contracted Chlamydia from her husband, who had been engaging in high-risk sexual behaviors with various partners, including prostitutes. Rachel is now infertile because the disease went undetected for so long. Her trauma is compounded by the emotional and financial betrayals she has experienced.
- Lori, 23: On her honeymoon, Lori discovered her new husband had a serious pornography addiction. He had lied about it before they married, hoping that marriage would solve the problem. But, as many have learned the hard way, marriage does not fix such issues; it often exacerbates them.
- Jocelyn, 45: Her respected husband and father of four was arrested for possession and distribution of child pornography. Within weeks, a religious leader told her that she must forgive him, or the greater sin would lie with her. This is an example of secondary trauma, where the pressure to forgive without a full understanding of the trauma can cause additional harm.
The Widespread Consequences of Addiction
Addiction, especially sexual addiction, rarely manifests in isolation. It often comes with a host of other damaging behaviors that deeply affect the addict’s loved ones. In my practice, I’ve encountered every type of acting out, including extreme cases like bestiality. While these behaviors vary, they all contribute to the complex trauma experienced by partners.
A recent study of nearly 9,000 partners of sex addicts found that 79% had faced internet pornography as one of the forms of acting out. This is the most common form of addiction, but it exists on a spectrum, from more frequent behaviors like internet pornography to rare but equally harmful behaviors like bestiality.
The consequences of these addictive behaviors are far-reaching. About 65% of those affected experience significant family conflict, 40% face public shame, and many others deal with health consequences, financial losses, and emotional trauma. Some even lose their jobs. The full picture of addiction’s impact is sobering and often much broader than the addiction itself.
The Pain of Associated Behaviors
One of the most challenging aspects of dealing with betrayal trauma is coping with the associated behaviors. It’s often not just the addiction that causes the most pain, but the lying, denial, blame-shifting, and narcissism that accompany it. Many women I’ve worked with say that the constant lying is the hardest part to endure. As one of the most profound forms of manipulation, gaslighting can destabilize and delegitimize the victim’s sense of reality, making it difficult to see the truth.
Understanding Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a term that has been around for decades and refers to the manipulation of someone through persistent denial, misdirection, and contradiction. This term originated from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband slowly manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind by gradually dimming the gas lights in their home. This manipulation causes the victim to question their senses and reality.
In relationships where betrayal trauma occurs, gaslighting is often used to keep the partner from discovering the full extent of the addictive behavior. Most people who gaslight do not do so with malicious intent; rather, they are trying to hide a mountain of shame. However, this doesn’t lessen the harm caused by gaslighting, which can be a form of emotional abuse, especially in its more extreme forms.
The Impact on Women
The effects of betrayal trauma on women are profound and far-reaching. Research shows that:
- Intense emotions and difficulty regulating those emotions are common.
- Core beliefs are often disrupted, including religious beliefs and trust in others.
- Perceptions of reality and self-concept may change drastically.
- Hypervigilance and policing behaviors become common as women try to uncover the truth and protect themselves.
- Physical changes such as weight fluctuation, sleep disturbances, and changes in appetite and libido are also frequently reported.
Women affected by betrayal trauma are also at increased risk of separation and divorce. Isolation is another common experience, as many women feel they cannot share their pain with others without facing judgment or further betrayal.
The Need for Proper Treatment
It’s crucial for clinicians to understand betrayal trauma not just in theory, but in practice. This trauma must inform and affect the timing and manner of treatment. For example, if a woman is highly elevated in PTSD symptoms, it may be necessary to slow down the disclosure process and ensure she feels empowered and included in her healing journey.
Conclusion
Betrayal trauma is a serious and complex issue that requires understanding, compassion, and proper treatment. It’s essential that we recognize the different layers of trauma, the widespread consequences of addictive behaviors, and the importance of addressing associated behaviors like gaslighting. Only through a comprehensive approach can we begin to heal from the deep wounds that betrayal trauma leaves behind.
NOTE: S.A. Lifeline appreciates Dr. Jill Manning’s advocacy for 12-step groups. Come heal with us. Find a meeting today.
Watch the entire presentation by Dr. Manning by subscribing to the Digital Recovery Library here. The following is a brief excerpt:
