NOTE: Not all videos have accompanying notes. We are grateful for the generous contribution of notes in this presentation from Jason W.
Healing Together: Dr. Jake Porter’s Couple-Centered Recovery Model for Sex Addiction and Betrayal Trauma
When sex addiction and betrayal trauma strike, they don’t just wound individuals—they devastate relationships. Dr. Jake Porter, a leader in the field of couple-centered recovery, believes the healing process needs to be relational, not just personal. Drawing from his model of Couple-Centered Recovery, Dr. Porter offers a powerful framework for helping couples recover from sex addiction and betrayal trauma together, rather than growing apart during individual healing.
As Dr. Porter explains, many traditional recovery models for addiction, especially those based on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), have focused almost exclusively on the individual addict. While these models laid critical groundwork, they often failed to account for the emotional trauma experienced by betrayed partners. In the early days of sex addiction recovery, partners were often seen as codependent or even as co-addicts—mischaracterizations that left many partners feeling pathologized and unsupported.
By the 2000s, however, new research began to reveal that betrayed partners were not co-addicts but were suffering from PTSD-like trauma due to the betrayal. This shifted the field toward a partner-centered approach, focusing on the betrayed partner’s safety and stability. But something was still missing: the relationship itself.
Dr. Porter’s Couple-Centered Recovery Model fills that gap by putting the relationship at the heart of the healing process. His approach recognizes that the betrayal doesn’t just hurt the individuals involved—it fractures the dyad, the two-person system that forms the basis of a relationship. If couples heal separately, they risk growing apart, changing individually without healing the emotional wound between them.
In his work, Dr. Porter emphasizes the importance of healing together, rebuilding trust and repairing attachment wounds as a couple. His model integrates insights from trauma theory, emotionally focused therapy (EFT), and affect regulation, offering practical tools for couples to grow closer through the recovery process.
One of the key ideas in Dr. Porter’s work is the concept of affect dysregulation—when someone is unable to regulate their emotions in healthy ways, they may turn to addictive behaviors, such as acting out sexually, to cope. But as the addiction progresses, the person becomes caught in a vicious cycle of preoccupation, acting out, and reinforcing emotional dysregulation, which in turn damages the relationship further.
By recognizing that sex addiction often stems from relational problems, Dr. Porter’s model encourages couples to heal not only as individuals but by addressing the affective wounds in their relationship. Rather than working in isolation, couples learn to co-regulate their emotions and rebuild their bond, fostering true recovery and connection.
For couples just starting their journey of healing from betrayal trauma, Dr. Porter’s model offers hope: it’s possible to not only survive the trauma but to emerge with a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Practical Tips for Couples in Early Recovery:
- Focus on Safety and Stability – Betrayed partners need to feel safe before they can begin to heal relationally. This includes creating boundaries and fostering emotional honesty.
- Engage in Joint Therapy – Consider working with a therapist trained in couple-centered recovery to guide the process of healing both individually and as a couple.
- Prioritize Attachment Repair – Betrayal is often an attachment wound. Learn how to repair that bond by addressing emotional wounds and building trust together.
- Stay Curious About Each Other’s Growth – While individual growth is important, couples should share their healing journey with one another to ensure they’re growing together, not apart.
Through these tools, couples can not only heal the wounds of betrayal but come out stronger on the other side—learning that, in relationship, true healing is possible.
When it comes to the struggles of addiction, particularly sex addiction, the roots often trace back to early relational trauma. Many people who experience addiction have developmental deficits—stemming from childhood neglect, lack of nurturing, or not being emotionally mirrored as children. These early experiences prevent the development of healthy emotional regulation, which is something that needs to be taught and reinforced in supportive relationships.
Children aren’t born knowing how to regulate their emotions. This crucial skill is scaffolded by external caregivers who help guide them. Without this guidance, people can struggle in adulthood with behaviors like addiction, which often arise as coping mechanisms for unresolved relational wounds. But just as the trauma occurred through relationships, the healing must also happen in relationships.
Healing Within Relationships
Addiction, including sex addiction, is inherently selfish. The behavior focuses on escaping reality and seeking counterfeit joys. In relationships, this selfishness can manifest as betrayal trauma, a profound emotional wound, particularly when a partner discovers infidelity. The effects of this betrayal often resemble “disorganized attachment,” a condition where someone has conflicting feelings of wanting closeness but fearing further harm. This push-pull dynamic is common in relational trauma.
Research supports the notion that infidelity-based attachment trauma can lead even securely attached individuals to exhibit disorganized attachment behaviors. When a person feels betrayed by their partner, their trust in the world and their relationship becomes destabilized, leading to fear, confusion, and insecurity.
For those seeking recovery from sex addiction and for partners healing from betrayal trauma, the path to healing lies within relationships. Whether it’s through 12-step groups, therapy, or strong therapeutic rapport, healing occurs in the safety and vulnerability of connected relationships. It’s important to understand that while betrayal is traumatic, the betrayed partner is not responsible for the addict’s behavior, nor can they cure it. But together, through accountability, grief work, and mutual care, both partners can work toward healing.
A Model for Recovery: Couple-Centered Healing
When it comes to recovering from sex addiction and betrayal trauma as a couple, Dr. Jake Porter’s model offers a roadmap. This model focuses on three phases:
- Seeking Safety and Stability – The foundation of all healing. The couple must first establish emotional and physical safety. Trauma from betrayal destabilizes the brain, making it difficult for either partner to process the situation. The goal here is to rebuild trust through assessments and stabilization techniques.
- Grieving Together – Once stability is achieved, both partners can begin to process the emotional pain. This phase includes meaning-making and formal grief work. The couple must also address the relational dynamics that contributed to the addiction or betrayal, creating space for honesty and mutual support.
- Revisioning the Relationship – The final phase focuses on renewing and transforming the relationship. By working through past hurts and addressing harmful dynamics, couples can rebuild trust and create a healthier, more resilient partnership.
The Importance of Assessment
Before starting any recovery work, it’s essential to conduct thorough assessments. Understanding the depth of the addiction, trauma levels, and emotional regulation skills of both partners allows therapists to tailor a treatment plan that fits the unique needs of the couple. False starts in recovery often happen because the right diagnosis or underlying issues, such as co-occurring disorders like depression or anxiety, aren’t fully addressed.
The Road to Healing is Possible
Healing from sex addiction and betrayal trauma is a complex and emotional process. It requires time, effort, and commitment from both partners. However, with the right support, the couple-centered recovery model offers a hopeful path. Through safety, grief work, and revisioning the relationship, healing can take place, not just for the addict, but for the wounded partner as well. Relationships are the key to both our wounding and our healing—and with intention and care, they can be the path to recovery.
If you or someone you love is struggling with sex addiction or betrayal trauma, know that healing is possible. It will be difficult and messy, but with the right support, it is also incredibly powerful and transformative.
Navigating Recovery and Healing After Betrayal: A Path Forward
In the aftermath of betrayal, whether through addiction or infidelity, finding a path toward healing can feel overwhelming. Many couples struggle to regain stability and trust, unsure of how to move forward. However, there is hope. Through a structured, intentional approach, healing and transformation can happen. I’ll outline the journey, guiding couples from the initial shock of betrayal to rebuilding trust and reimagining their future together.
Address Untreated Issues
Before diving into recovery work, it’s crucial to address any untreated personality functioning issues or neurodiversity concerns that could be contributing to ongoing challenges. A mental health professional can help assess whether co-occurring disorders are playing a role. For many, finding the right support team — including therapists, support groups, and coaches — is key to beginning the healing process.
Stabilizing After Betrayal: Understanding Post-Traumatic Stress
One of the first steps in recovery is normalizing the reality of post-traumatic stress. Experiencing trauma after betrayal is normal, though painful. Acknowledging that these emotions and reactions will be part of the journey helps make them less overwhelming. Couples must also focus on setting clear safety boundaries that support both individuals in the relationship.
Disclosure and Empathy: Critical for Healing
For betrayed partners, disclosure is a necessary step toward healing. It’s important that the betrayer is fully honest and transparent, as this allows the betrayed partner’s brain to shift from threat mode into a place where grief can begin. When disclosure happens, it transitions the betrayed partner from being in a constant state of seeking and questioning into a space of grieving the loss.
Empathy plays a significant role in this process. Using tools like Carol the Coach’s Help Her Heal and Marsha Means’ Learn Empathy can be powerful for couples. Empathy involves understanding and validating your partner’s emotions. For individual grounding, the 54321 technique—where you notice five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste—can be helpful. Additionally, couples can practice co-regulation through the SAVES technique, which stands for See, Ask, Validate, Empathize, and Secure, a process designed to help couples calm and comfort each other during triggering moments.
Moving into Grief: A Transformative Opportunity
Grieving the betrayal is where the real healing happens. Grief allows both partners to make meaning out of the devastation they’ve experienced and is a powerful way to rebuild trust. Until the betrayed partner feels like the couple has a shared understanding of what happened, trust will remain limited. Grieving together brings an opportunity for transformation — while painful, it can be deeply healing and bring new depth to the relationship.
Key Indicators of Healing Progress:
- Trauma Triggers vs. Grief Waves: Trauma triggers indicate the brain is still in threat mode, while grief waves suggest a deeper processing of pain. Transitioning from triggers to grief is a sign of progress.
- Shared Story vs. Separate Accounts: Couples in the grief phase will start to reconcile their stories, creating a shared narrative of what happened. A shared understanding of the past is vital for a shared vision of the future.
Creative Tools for Grieving Together
Engaging in creative, hands-on processes can help partners grieve together. For example, couples can create timelines that compare what the betrayed partner knew versus what they learned during disclosure. Reconciling these timelines together fosters shared meaning. Other methods include drawing grief or using objects tied to memories of betrayal, like shredding items of clothing, to visually and physically process the emotions.
Relational Dynamics and Secure Functioning
As couples move through grief, it’s essential to address the daily relational dynamics that can either support or hinder healing. Small ruptures, if not addressed, can undermine progress. Couples must work on proximity seeking (wanting to be together) and contact maintenance (knowing how to maintain connection when together). Secure functioning means that both partners tell each other everything and prioritize the relationship above all else.
Old wounds, family dynamics, and past relational scripts may arise, but learning how to build a relationship based on deep values is critical. Rather than focusing on self-protection, couples should focus on protecting the relationship as a whole.
Revisiting the Relationship and Rebuilding Trust
As couples move into the later stages of healing, they can begin to re-envision their relationship. This includes setting shared goals, redefining the future, and creating a shared vision based on mutual trust and values. One powerful exercise is imagining your future together, such as giving relationship advice to your grandchildren about the kind of marriage you want to model.
Are You Ready for the Next Phase?
To assess where you are in the healing process, consider these questions:
- Are you experiencing more trauma triggers or grief waves?
- When you talk about the past, does it bring connection or cause new ruptures?
- Are you and your partner looking more toward the future, or are you still focused on past wounds?
Conclusion: Healing Together
Betrayal can shatter trust, but with intentional effort, empathy, and the right tools, couples can heal together. Grieving together, establishing secure functioning, and rebuilding trust are steps toward a renewed relationship that, while born from pain, can ultimately lead to a stronger, more meaningful connection.
Dr. Porter’s presentation provides a compelling framework for couples seeking to heal from the devastating impact of sex addiction and betrayal trauma. By prioritizing the relationship as the central focus of recovery, couples can navigate the challenging phases of healing together, ultimately fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and connection.
Resources or Links
Carol the Coach’s Help Her Heal
https://sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com
Marsha Means’ Learn Empathy
https://www.betrayaltraumatohealingandjoy.com
Bonuses https://drjakeporter.com/salbonus/
- The Couple–Centered Recovery® Model: Phases of Recovery (attached in the email I sent you)
- Making Saves (Webinar)
- Feet on the Ground (Webinar)
- BREAKING BARRIERS BUILDING BRIDGES book
Free email coaching – for people in stage 3 of recovery to do with your spouse https://www.daringventures.com/40daychallenge/
Are you on the coster
Choose Connection Academy
A skills-based approach to relationship healing after rupture
ALL ONLINE hybrid of digital education and live group coaching program for couples to experience my transformative Couple–Centered Recovery® model.
Many couples I encounter, just like yourselves, are grappling with a pivotal question: ‘How do we mend our relationship after trust has been compromised?’
It’s a crucial question, and the answer can fundamentally shift the trajectory of your relationship.
Too often, couples find themselves trapped in a cycle of persistent mistrust and emotional turbulence, placing additional strain on their relationship.
Monthly Webinars via email list https://drjakeporter.com/#expertise
Intensives