The S.A. Lifeline Circle Models

Is using pornography a problem?

The choice to use pornography is more than a moral judgment:

“Pornography is neither harmless nor helpful. It is a mood-altering, belief-changing, relationship-damaging, addiction-forming, socially-harmful, spiritually-deadening, life-crippling practice, through which one practices the ways of the adversary.”

Jill C. Manning, PhD

Three mileposts mark the way of sexual compulsion and addiction: 1) Unhealthy sexual behaviors — such as using pornography and sex with self — provide self-centered pleasures; 2) Such behaviors are pursued to alter moods and emotions. Shame, emotional withdrawal, and self-absorption escalate and life becomes unmanageable; 3) Efforts to stop such “acting out” are unsuccessful — in spite of sincere desires to quit or mushrooming negative consequences.

Escape seems impossible for those who are caught in this vortex of behavioral compulsion or addiction. Serious relationship challenges are inevitable, faith in God may be questioned, and life-threatening consequences may follow. “We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. [So] healing had to come about in all three.” (Sexaholics Anonymous White Book, p.204)

Is recovery possible?

Most emphatically, Yes! If those who are caught in this trap are willing to be honest and strive on the proven path of recovery, it is very likely they can happily live in recovery from compulsive pornography use and sexual addiction. They must also remain open to the spiritual nature of recovery, humbly seeking the enabling power that always flows from God’s grace.

How does one “work recovery”?

One must freely choose for himself or herself to step onto the path of recovery — and stay on it. That path is narrow and may seem steep at times, so a long-term commitment is vital. Without a firm resolve to do whatever it takes, discouragement may roll in during setbacks, and sadly, a return to illicit sexual behaviors will likely follow.

To step on the path of recovery the most basic requirements are a willing heart, the courage to be rigorously honest, and an enduring pledge to do the work of recovery.

To stay on the path of recovery one must be rigorously honest, practice daily healthy living by applying the principles of recovery, maintaining a spiritual connection with God, and serving others.

What does “living in recovery” look like?

Recovery is both outwardly observed and inwardly felt. When an individual is moving toward recovery, sexual “acting-out” behaviors are removed from his or her life entirely; over time so are all of the other attitudes noted in the Self-Absorbed Chaos Model. Living in recovery is instead characterized by rigorous honesty, humility, accountability, carrying the message of recovery to others, and surrendering to God’s will.

Establishing boundaries around pornography use and other forms of acting out, and being aware of addict attitudes enhances long-term recovery and healing of relationships.

How does pornography use affect the betrayed spouse?

A person struggling with pornography or sexual addiction can become self-absorbed and have little emotional connection with others. Living with — or having lived with — such a person can create confusion and fear in a partner’s life. Betrayed spouses may feel emotionally isolated and begin to doubt their personal worth. In fact, many experience symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is known as betrayal trauma. They may go to great lengths to appear outwardly in control while inwardly feeling overwhelmed, “crazy,” and unloved.

Many betrayed partners sense that something is not right in their relationship. However, when they question their partner, they may be told, “Everything is OK,” or be met with anger and resentment for asking.

For a time, the betrayed partner may feel reassured, but concerns often return. They may become preoccupied with thoughts such as: Why won’t my spouse talk to me? Maybe if I were more sexual or changed my body, they would love me. I can fix this for them. Conversely, they may think: My partner is ruining my life and our family. I feel bitter, angry, and afraid. Or they may minimize the problem: It’s not that important. That’s just the way some people are.

Eventually, the betrayed partner may realize that the deepest injury involves the dishonesty and broken trust. In despair, they may no longer know whether they can trust any part of the relationship. They know something must change, yet they may not know where to find support and wise guidance.

How does the spouse heal from betrayal trauma?

To begin the healing journey, betrayed partners need to embrace these truths: 1) They did not cause the addiction; 2) They cannot fix or change their addicted spouse — that person is responsible for their own choices; 3) They have been deeply injured by the deceit, disrespect, and anger within the relationship; 4) With God’s help, they can heal and thrive.

Navigating recovery and healing requires personal effort and support from others. This may include: 1) Seeking spiritual connection, supported by SAL 12-Step work; 2) Working with a qualified therapist; 3) Learning about trauma and addiction; 4) Establishing appropriate boundaries that promote safety.

Some may argue that this effort is unnecessary — after all, it is the addicted partner’s problem. If they would just stop, everything would be OK. But healing is not that simple. If betrayed spouses do not address their own trauma, they may continue living emotionally paralyzed, with fear always at the doorstep.

With consistent effort, time, and the grace of God, betrayed partners can and do heal. That is the miracle. They learn to choose a healthier way of living that includes self-care and honesty about their emotions and needs. They also learn to establish healthy boundaries grounded in safety, love, and respect for themselves and others. These efforts can deepen their connection with God and help them become more available for honest, loving relationships.

How is the family impacted?

Try as they may, unhealthy parents cannot shield children from the collateral damage of addiction and betrayal trauma.

Even though they might not know why, children in such families are emotionally distanced from the addicted parent and grow up without a vital sense of belonging and safety. A lack of positive affirmations and encouragement stunts their potential. Their loyalty to the family may waver as they turn outside the family to fulfill their needs and wants.

Without healthy family anchors, children tend to become confused or ambivalent about the line between right and wrong and their relationship with God. Other important values and life skills remain underdeveloped, and their chances for happiness diminish.

How do healthy parents fortify children?

Even if not for themselves at first, addicted spouses or traumatized spouses would do well to seek healing and recovery for the sake of their children. Good fruit (happy and well-adjusted children) comes from a good tree (emotionally healthy parents).

Since children are not born with a clear sense of self, they discover it — and it is molded — through the influence of those who are most important to them. Children come to trust their parents’ values and their love. When children are feeling personally secure, they blossom and mature in healthy ways.

Parents who are unified by their shared relationship with God encourage each child to nurture their own relationship with God. Children become more confident in their understanding of what is right and wrong, kind and mean-spirited, selfless and selfish, respectful and disrespectful.