NOTE: Dr. Jake Porter will be presenting at the 2024 conference!! Get your tickets!
Introduction
Why couples need to grieve together after sexual betrayal. In the world of addiction recovery and betrayal trauma, many couples often face overwhelming challenges as they navigate the healing journey. Dr. Jake Porter, a certified sex addiction therapist and clinical specialist in treating betrayal trauma, recently joined Tara McCausland on the Pathway to Recovery podcast to discuss why grief and mourning are essential for both partners involved in addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. Dr. Porter’s insights into the healing process highlight the importance of emotional and psychological restoration in order to move forward in a healthy way.
APSATS and the Healing Phases for Betrayed Partners
Dr. Porter is a leading figure in the field and will be a headline speaker at the 2024 SA Lifeline Conference. He brings a wealth of knowledge to the discussion, particularly in understanding the role of APSATS in supporting betrayed partners. APSATS follows a model for trauma recovery that involves three critical phases:
- Safety and Stability
- Grief and Mourning
- Renewal and Post-Traumatic Growth
This conversation focuses on the second phase: grief and mourning. Grief and mourning are often overlooked but are a crucial part of the recovery process. This is true for both betrayed partners and those who have caused the betrayal.
The Necessity of Grief and Mourning in Healing
Dr. Porter reminds us that, “Grief is where the healing happens.” For both the betrayed partner and the partner responsible for the betrayal, it’s important not to bypass this stage. When we experience betrayal, our assumptive world—how we see our relationship, our security, and even our past—crumbles. Grieving this loss allows us to rebuild and reformulate our understanding of reality.
Grief work is not a one-time event or a simple checklist, but a process. It’s not something to rush through, as it represents the heart of true healing. The consequences of ignoring or rushing through this phase can prevent both partners from fully healing. It may even prolong trauma responses.
Challenges of Grieving Betrayal in Isolation
One of the unique aspects of betrayal trauma is the isolation many partners feel when going through the grieving process. Unlike grieving the death of a loved one—where there are established cultural scripts and community support—betrayal often brings shame, fear, and loneliness. “Disenfranchised grief,” occurs when there is no public mourning process for a loss like betrayal. Often, partners are isolated by shame or by practical concerns, such as protecting the reputation of the betraying partner or preserving relationships within faith communities.
This isolation makes it even more difficult for betrayed partners to process their grief. Couples can create their own mourning rituals, whether through symbolic acts like visiting a graveyard or through tangible expressions like art projects or writing letters. These personal rituals can provide structure in a process that often feels chaotic.
The Role of the Betraying Partner in Grief Work
While the betrayed partner carries the bulk of the emotional weight in grieving the loss of trust and security, Dr. Porter explains that the betraying partner also has a role to play in the healing process. By remaining present and empathetic, the betraying partner can support their spouse’s healing. This includes avoiding reactive, self-protective behaviors and being open to the betrayed partner’s pain without letting it trigger their own shame.
What’s more, the betraying partner must undergo their own grieving process. For instance, they have lost their sense of integrity. Perhaps for the first time they are coming to terms with the damage caused by their actions. Dr. Porter notes that the depth of the betrayed partner’s pain can often catalyze the betraying partner’s own process of healing, empathy, and connection.
Grief Work for Both Partners: A Shared Process
Grief is not just an individual experience. While the betrayed and betraying partners each have their own distinct journeys, they also share in the grief of what has been lost in the relationship. Couples who are willing to work through grief together often find that the process can bring them closer. This can foster deeper connection and empathy.
The framework that Dr. Porter offers for understanding the grief process is in three phases:
- What’s Dead? – Identifying what has been lost, such as the old version of the relationship, trust, or a sense of security.
- What’s New? – Acknowledging what has replaced what was lost, whether that’s new truths, emotional distance, or even a sense of relief in no longer holding onto secrets.
- What’s Next? – Using the awareness of loss and new realities to determine the path forward. This is where healing and growth can truly take root.
Safety and Stabilization: Prerequisites for Grief Work
Importantly, Dr. Porter stresses that grief work can’t begin until safety and stabilization are in place. For the betrayed partner, this means reaching a point where they are no longer in constant trauma mode. This looks like reacting to triggers and feeling unsafe in their own world. Once safety is established, the grieving process can begin.
Final Thoughts and Encouragement
For those new to the process, Dr. Porter reminds us that even though it may feel isolating, there are communities and professionals devoted to helping us through pain. For those who have been in the process for a while but still feel stuck, he advises seeking new, more effective support if what they’ve been doing hasn’t been working.
Ultimately, Dr. Porter’s message is one of hope:
Grief and mourning, though painful, are not the end—they are the gateway to true healing and growth.
Join the 2024 SA Lifeline Conference
If you’re interested in learning more about the healing process from experts like Dr. Porter, the SA Lifeline Conference is the perfect opportunity. With over 15 qualified speakers, interactive workshops, and community support, this event is designed to propel your recovery journey forward. Register today at https://salifeline.org/conference-2024/ to reserve your spot.
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