Q&A – Should we call it an addiction?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I am Tara McCausland, and I'm here with my co-host, Justin B. Hey, Justin, thanks for being here.

Justin B.: Thank you, Tara. I'm happy to be here.

Tara McCausland: So the question that we are addressing today is a big one. It is, should we call it an addiction? And Speaking of it, should we call pornography and sexual compulsivity an addiction? So what are your initial thoughts on that?

Justin B.: You know, Tara, I think the short answer and simple answer to that is yes, but I think there's a lot of tangents to that that a lot of people can take. But in my own experience, for me as a struggling individual, when I am in, in the depths of, of, of my behaviors, for me to acknowledge that, hey, this is probably an addiction, or this is something I need to treat at least as an addiction, is vital for me to have successful long-term recovery.

Tara McCausland: We recognize the challenge associated with labeling this behavior as an addiction, and we, we want to be empathetic to that challenge. Roy Kim, in our episode with him, he talked about the difficulty that partners might have with labeling this as an addiction because it means to them that This is going to continue to be a problematic behavior. And so Roy talked about how we have to be really sensitive in approaching this with partners. I appreciated him bringing that up.

That's an important component of this discussion.

Justin B.: And in my most recent conversation with Stephen, who is an addict, he mentioned how he did not want to believe that he was an addict because he felt it was shaming. And I can understand that. I, for many years, said there's no way I'm an addict. This concept of powerlessness This concept of, I'm not one of these people that's in a— on the streets, and I don't look this way. I don't look like what I envision an addict looking like.

I don't want this label. And I totally get it. But guess what? I am an addict, and that's okay now. I'm okay with it.

Tara McCausland: We also want to recognize that there are some individuals in the therapeutic and faith communities that are also reluctant to call this an addiction. But we here at SA Lifeline, we draw a pretty hard line on that, and we won't shy away from the fact that we call this pornography and sexual addiction. And so the Q&A today, we're going to just address a few reasons why we feel from our experience working with hundreds and hundreds of people who have struggled with this behavior, why it's helpful actually in the short and long term.

to call this an addiction. The first reason would be that if we call it an addiction, we acknowledge our reality. And so in our SAL book, there is on page 3, there's actually a great metaphor that could be used to help us understand this. So it reads, Search and rescue training teaches that one of the most important things a person can do when lost in the wilderness is to stop and say out loud, I am lost. This verbal acknowledgement shifts the panicked mind into a state where wiser choices can be made.

The person won't hide from search parties. They want to be found. This same principle applies to individuals seeking recovery from sexual addiction. Justin, what are your thoughts about that?

Justin B.: You know, I think there's a lot of power to that. I remember, and I may have shared this before, but I'm going to share it again because it's so powerful. The first couple of times I went into a 12-step meeting, I refused to say anything other than, hey, I'm Justin. And finally, I started to see that others around this room were just like me, and they were saying, I'm an addict. And they were finding peace and rescue, like in this analogy, that I was not finding.

I was still dying. And finally, the first time I said, hey, I'm Justin and I think I might be an addict, all of a sudden it was, it was like a literal weight came off my shoulders, like a literal door opened up in front of me when I admitted that, that, hey, there is hope. And the, the things that these other people in this room are demonstrating that they're experiencing, I can experience too. And that was a massive step in my own recovery journey, was that admission that I'm lost.

I'm an addict. I can't do this on my own. It was a miracle.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. Well, and I think this concept of the person stops hiding from search parties when they can acknowledge that they're lost. They want to be found. And I think that that's very similar to how we are when we're struggling with a behavior that can be very isolating and shaming. When we can admit that we have a problem and that it's— that this problem is killing us.

Justin B.: Yeah, me wandering in the wilderness of my behaviors, of my addictive behaviors beforehand, I was definitely— whenever there was help that was calling my name, I was running into a cave and curling up and hiding. I was not running to them for help because I was too ashamed. Why am I even in this wilderness? I have to get myself out of it. I can't let anybody else see me in this wilderness. But as soon as I recognized I'm lost, I need help, then the recovery started.

The rescue started happening.

Tara McCausland: We want people to understand that calling this an addiction is not an excuse. It does not justify the behavior ever, but it does help us make more sense of a persistent behavior that is ruining someone's life and the lives of those that they love. And so I think just like Roy Kim said, a lot of people who suffer from these types of issues do find relief in calling it an addiction because they recognize this is not about me not having enough willpower or just being perverted or gross.

I have an illness of sorts that can be treated if I will seek out the right help. So that's our first reason why we would consider it helpful to call it an addiction. We acknowledge our reality. when we call it what it is. So reason 2, when we call it an addiction, we acknowledge the significant brain component that drives the behavior. So there is a fantastic quote again from our SAL book, page 5, from a well-known doctor in this field.

His name is Donald Hilton and he is a professor of neurosurgery at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio. And this is what he said. He said that addiction occurs when this natural drive for pleasure gets out of balance, and instead of simply motivating us, it dominates and controls. Such a person realizes they can't quit smoking the cigarette or joint, or they must have that shot of alcohol, or they must find a pornographic video to masturbate to, because if they don't, they sense a growing tension and obsession, a brain itch of sorts, which initially whispers.

Then calls, then shouts, and finally commands that person to act out in their addiction of choice, thus temporarily relieving what has become an absolutely unbearable tension. Thoughts, Justin?

Justin B.: And I can totally identify with that itch, that brain itch, and I call it— I now call this voice with this cacophony of voices in my head the liar. This is the liar in the back of my head, and it is a compelling liar, not just because it compels me to do things, or it tries to anyways, but it's the arguments that it makes. The justifications that that liar makes in my head are so loud, so convincing, and even like it said in this quote, commanding, saying you will do this because it's okay this time.

It's different this time. It's not You're not gonna hurt anybody this time. You aren't gonna feel bad this time. And just like every other time, it lets me down. You know, everything is temporarily relieved, but then comes back to brutality and just shame and self-loathing. So yeah, I can totally identify with that voice, that itch.

Tara McCausland: Hmm. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. So our last reason, and it's similar to the first reason, when we call it an addiction, we're going to treat it differently. And, and we did talk about this to some extent with our guest Roy Kim. We might struggle calling it addiction, but if we treat it like an addiction, we are going to seek out different help. What does the help look like? What do the resources look like for someone who is dealing with an addiction versus someone who's dealing with, say, a bad habit?

Justin B.: Yeah, good question, Tara. I think in my experience, You know, as I thought that I just had a bad habit in my behaviors prior to recovery, I think they looked very similar. Um, you know, I would seek counsel from— I could go to a therapist, I could read all of the books, I could go see an ecclesiastical leader and share things, and I could pray and I could serve. I could do all of these things. But I did those things with the intention of overcoming, of being stronger than the pull of, of the, the behaviors of the, the mental, the, the brain chemistry.

I thought I could be stronger than that by doing these things. And what I've since learned is a lot of the actions are very similar, but the focus is different. I'm not trying to muscle my way through the, oh, the temptations, the triggers by doing these things. I'm doing these things because it brings power to me that is beyond my own. I know in and of myself, I cannot do this on my own. I have to bring in others, whether that's my higher power, whether that's a sponsor, whether that's a fellowship of brothers who are walking through the same thing that I can and will reach out to on the phone and say, hey, I'm struggling, can we talk?

And I think that's where it happens. I think the breaking of a bad habit is done largely in isolation, in the cave, in the wilderness, hiding from those that are trying to save. And, and treating it as an addiction brings it into a community of people and, and saying, I need help. And that's kind of my experience with it.

Tara McCausland: Awesome. Thank you so much, Justin. Really appreciate you bringing in your personal experience with this. So to our listeners, if you are in this camp of struggling to acknowledge this concept of addiction, we might invite you to continue to educate yourself. And learn about addiction. I think sometimes it's just our misconceptions about what addiction is and what it isn't that keep us from wanting to call it really what it is, a behavior that, as Justin said, we cannot overcome on our own.

And that would be a bad habit, right? Something that we might be able to, with maybe some self-help books and a coach, overcome. But addiction will compel us to seek for different resources and different types of help. I think bottom line, what all of us want is healing. We want peace. We, we want to feel connected in our relationships. And our experience at SA Lifeline suggests that when we call it what it is, an addiction to pornography and sex or lust, we will find the tools and we will get the help that healing requires.

Justin B.: Now that I admit and own that I have an addiction, that I can't do this on my own, as mentioned before, I'm free. I have peace in my life when before I thought, no, this is a habit that I have to get through on my own. I never ever ever felt peace. I never felt serenity. I never felt the happy, joyous, and free that is promised to those In recovery, you know, when I was white-knuckling it through it, I was miserable.

It was worse than anything. And now, as I admit and own that I am an addict, I no longer feel shame. I no longer feel that stress that was always chewing at me, that brain itch that was just always gnawing at me. I, I can feel peace and serenity one day at a time.

Tara McCausland: I love it. The truth will set you free. Good words to end on. Well, thank you, Justin, and thank you to our listeners. We'll catch you next time.

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