Q&A – Why and how do I decide to turn my will over to God?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families. Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast.

Tara McCausland: I'm your host, Tara McCausland, and welcome Justin B., my co-host. Thanks for being here.

Justin B.: Thank you, Tara. I'm happy to be here today.

Tara McCausland: So today we have a Step 3-related Q&A for you. And the question that we're exploring is, why and how do I make the decision to turn my will and life over to God? That was a mouthful. But considering that question, Justin, because I think one of the interesting things that I have found, and we've discussed this before on this podcast, many people come into the rooms of recovery having been highly religious people. They come to find that they've really struggled to, to do this, to give their will and their lives over to God.

So I'm curious, from your experience, why is that challenging? Maybe that's a silly question.

Justin B.: No, I, I don't think it's a silly question. I think it's— well, it's my reality. I know that when I first started work in recovery, I thought, oh, Step 2 and Step 3, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Yeah, I believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in God. Step 3, turn my will and my life over to God. Yeah, I believe That's that's easy. Check check. But as I really sit and examine things, it's not as easy as that.

I love the the wording of the step three key principle: made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. I didn't set a goal. I didn't make a wish. I didn't set a resolution for the year to do it. I made a decision. And a decision is a, it's a black and white word. It's not a goal that's ethereal. It's not a resolution that I'm going to break within a couple of weeks of setting it.

It's a decision that I make for today. It's a one, one day, one moment at a time thing that right now I decide I'm going to turn my will and my life over to the care of God for right now. Any thoughts on that?

Tara McCausland: Well, I like how you emphasize I made the decision. today. And I think actually in the Step Into Action book, they, they emphasize that carrying out this decision is a daily, lifelong process. That's on page 43 of the Step Into Action book. And I think it's kind of like, you know, the manna that, that the Israelites received. They, they could only gather it for the day. Mm-hmm. And then otherwise, like, the excess would go bad. And I think we would love To say, oh, I've made the decision and I'm good.

But this really is a daily, lifelong process and a decision that we make every day that we're living and breathing.

Justin B.: Yeah. And that's sometimes such a frustrating concept, not only for the addict, but also for the, the betrayed. Hey, is this going to last forever? I can't promise you that. I can't stay clean on yesterday's shower. I can't stay fed by yesterday's breakfast. I've got to keep showering and I've got to keep eating my breakfast every day. It's the same thing with turning my will and my life over to God. I have to keep doing it every day, or it's just not going to work.

It's something that I have to keep renewing and growing and building upon.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. So when you made that decision, what felt or looked different as you were really working the steps in your recovery, or felt and looked different Because you came from a highly religious background, and you were engaged in your faith community, but how did making this decision shift how you were engaging spiritually?

Justin B.: I think what happened was the shift happened when I realized that I am not, I am not a capable manager of my life. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna make a sports analogy here. If I'm If I'm running a baseball team and that baseball team over a 162-game season goes 62 and 100, I'm going to lose my job. And guess what? Over my life, running my own life, I'm going like 4 and 158 is my record. I don't deserve to keep my job.

I may have a win here or there and I think, oh great, I can do this. And then I go on a 10-game losing streak again. And I need to step back and say, Justin Incorporated is defunct. I cannot run Justin Incorporated. I have to work for God Incorporated. I have to give my will and my life to God and let God manage my life for me. I'm just there to do what God— what I think God would direct me to do.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, well, and we've talked about this again. Sorry for the repeat, but I think so many of us In our religious practice, we did a lot of things to either check boxes or to achieve a certain outcome. And we placed our faith in outcomes. And I'll speak for myself. I know that. I know that when I was a younger person, that I would, I would do things because I felt like, well, first of all, if I'm going to be a good girl, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z.

But it wasn't, it wasn't for the sake of the relationship. with the God of my understanding. It was to be a good girl or to receive the quote unquote blessings, right? It was less about—

Justin B.: I like how you said the blessings.

Tara McCausland: Yes. Still true. There's nothing wrong with doing things believing that you will receive blessings or positive outcomes. But I think that there, for me, if I was to look at step 3, The shift for me would be I'm no longer doing X, Y, and Z for outcomes or to check the boxes. I'm doing it simply because I want to have a greater connection with the God of my understanding. It's all— it, it really becomes all about the relationship and believing that God, using your analogy, can manage my life and make so much more out of my life.

Yeah. Than I could ever make it. Yeah.

Justin B.: And that's such a powerful concept, Tara, that, that I think goes so— it seems contrary to what these 12-step rooms are about. We think that we come into these rooms because I can't stop acting out sexually, I can't stop drinking, I can't stop eating, I can't stop whatever it is that I've— that has driven me to this room. In reality, Recovery is not stopping the actions, behaviors, or, or the addiction itself. Recovery is connection with God, becoming God's agent, employee, and doing what God wants me to do.

If I am constantly giving my will and my life over to the care of God and saying, hey, what would you have me do? Your will, not mine, be done. Guess what I'm not going to be doing? I'm not going to be doing those, those addictive behaviors. It's not going to happen. And that's, that's the, I think that's the step 3 shift in mentality that happens for me one day at a time is I'm coming to God to guide my life.

I'm not coming to him begging to take this away from me or begging him for blessings that I think I deserve. I'm coming to him and saying, whatever it is you have for me today, I'm gonna go do it for you. I'm gonna go do this. I'm gonna go be this for you and not for me. Yeah.

Tara McCausland: Well, so I'd like to just read a little portion. This is actually quoting 12 Steps in 12 Traditions. This is on page 320 of the SAL book. And it says, like all the remaining steps, Step 3 calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that That we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God, or if you like, a higher power into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing.

We can have faith yet keep God out of our lives. Therefore, our problem now becomes just how and by what specific means shall we be able to let him in? Step 3 represents our first attempt to do this. I appreciate that. Our attempt to do this. This doesn't have to be perfect. This is a daily practice. In fact, the effectiveness of the whole AA, or if we put in parentheses, SAL 12-step program, will rest on how well and earnestly we have tried to come to a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

But it continues, in all times of emotional stress or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done. Any thoughts about that as I read that, Justin?

Justin B.: Yeah, there's a couple things in faith traditions as well as in, well, in the 12-step Community got this from faith traditions, from from the Bible. Faith without works is dead. Half measures avail us nothing. That's a that's a twelve steps phrase. But faith without works is dead, and step three is that that key shift in that. You know, I have faith in God. I have faith that there's something out there that loves me or loves the world, cares for the world.

Now what am I going to do about it? And that's that phrase at the end of the Serenity Prayer and at the end of so many prayers that we say. And honestly, in my life, it's the end of almost every single prayer I say. Thy will, not mine, be done. That's the step 3. I'm giving this to you. I'm going to try and do what I think you want me to do. And the outcome is out of my hands.

Your will, God, not mine, be done. And I'll just keep going and, and hopefully not give up and say, well, that didn't work. So I'm just go back to the things that, uh, I did for so many years that seemed to work even though they brought me misery.

Tara McCausland: So this is certainly an act of faith. And we, as we consider the steps, we have step 1, we have embraced and accepted powerlessness and unmanageability. And number 2, we have come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore it. restore us to sanity, which brought us to step 3, that we would have the faith to make the daily decision then to give our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

This is a really important process that we go through. We can't skip 1 and 2 and get to 3. We have to have really worked those 2 steps so that we can safely put our lives into the hands of a God that we still may not feel we know very well and maybe even still feel a little angry and resentful that here I am, and I've been betrayed by my, my husband or, or those who suffer from addiction. Like, God, couldn't you have protected me from this?

Like, why, why has this been such a struggle for me? But it's a great experiment as we make the decision daily to give our lives and will over to the care of God. And I believe that as we do that, we do really open the doorway to hope, but great miracles that just as you said, Justin, it's like Justin Inc. is defunct and I need a capital M Manager to do the work that I'm unable to do.

Justin B.: Right. That's just such a key thing is, as I go through my day, I just need to keep those thoughts in mind. I am God's employee. His will, not mine, be done. What do you want me to do, God? Now I'll go do it. And it, that step 3 decision. I am definitely not perfect at this, but I do know that God is perfect at taking care of things, um, that are best for me. It may not turn out to look like how I would envision the perfect ending to be or the perfect outcome to be.

Yeah. But it is great. It is a great outcome. And that's, that's where I want to build back into. If I sit there and I ask God, how could you allow me to have this addiction? Why didn't you take it from me early enough in my life to where it wasn't this life-changing, mortality-changing experience? I believe, and I know that my past is my greatest asset, that God has brought me to where I am today. So that I could be helpful to others, and that that that applies not only to the addict but to the betrayed.

Now I'm not saying that anybody has to say, "Woohoo! I've struggled with addiction. My my spouse has struggled with addiction and has betrayed me over and over again." No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if I trust God and that He has a plan for me, all of these things work out for my good and work out for the good of those. that I can serve. And if I can shift that, that mindset just a little bit, it makes all the difference in the world.

Tara McCausland: I love that. Well, and maybe I'll end with this thought. So I have the opportunity to see a lot of messages that come through SA Lifeline email. And when people send a Venmo, a donation, I see that as well. And I just really appreciated today that in the memo of one of those donations, was stated, I came to SAL to find sobriety, and I found God. And I feel that's what the steps can do for us if we're willing to, to work the program.

So, well, thank you so much, Justin, for this conversation. Really appreciate the opportunity to talk about this with you today. And to our listeners, thanks for being here. We'll see you next time.

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