For today’s post, I thought it would be helpful to discuss the topic of surrender.
When I first came to SAL groups, I had been attending a different recovery group for a year. While I had never heard the term of surrender before, it was skittered throughout many of the comments these SAL women made week after week in their shares. Embarrassed that I was unfamiliar with something that seemed so fundamental, I kept trying to figure out what they were talking about.
As I became brave enough to actually ask directly for other group members to explain surrender to me, and I began to work with my own sponsor, I quickly began to realize that surrender is something that you only begin to understand when you begin to practice it. Here’s a quick run-down of what surrender has come to mean to me:
What Surrender Is
“Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life…it is to relinquish inner resistance to what is.” -Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, p206
“If I knew that a Higher Power was truly in charge of my life and that everything happening now would work out for the best, how would I feel and act? How does that differ from my current feelings and actions?” -SAnon Blue Book, Step Three question #1
In Rhyll Croshaw’s book, What Can I Do About Me? she explains that the first 3 steps are a daily process of learning to surrender her own will by believing in God’s great power. In SAL, we often talk about the “surrender process” which gives us tangible, concrete actions to take to help us let go of our inner resistance.
On my knees-we give our fear, resentment, pride, control…whatever…to God through prayer.
On the phone-we reach out and call our sponsor or another group member who understands the Steps and the surrender process, and speak our surrender out loud to her.
In the box-we write our surrender on a scrap of paper and put it in a “Surrender Box”, “God Jar”, or even in the garbage can.
For me, surrender has come to mean the process by which I let go of my will and seek to align myself with God’s will. It is most effective when done in the moment I become aware of my resentment, fear, or lack of serenity…not at the end of a resentful day or week.
For me, surrender requires that I am open to the idea that the way I am currently approaching the situation is not working, and that I am willing to let go and try things His way.
I have learned that His will for me may change moment to moment in different situations, so if I am trying to make big surrenders at the end of tension-filled weekends and expecting some big blanket list of boundaries that will always produce the desired outcome, I will grow increasingly frustrated and disappointed. Rather, if I am willing to take one step at a time, practice awareness and accountability for my own negative emotions, and surrender in the moment, He will reveal His will for me one step at a time, and I will experience greater serenity in my relationships and stillness in my soul.
What Surrender is Not
Surrender is NOT a license to vent and complain. Sometimes I have caught myself saying, “I just need to surrender that…” and then I go on and on complaining about how terrible someone is and list all the various ways they are “messed up”.
This is not a surrender. This is me using the term “surrender” to dump all my criticisms of someone. Surrender always comes back to letting go of MY underlying fear or coping strategy.
For example, rather than surrendering that someone else is highly critical and nothing I do is ever good enough for them, it has been much more effective for me to focus on surrendering MY fear that I am not enough, and to surrender MY need for the approval of others as validation. As I do this, it becomes clear when a boundary needs to be put in place as part of this surrender as well. Also, this type of surrender brings the promised peace of the program. The license-to-criticize kind just feeds my resentment.
I have been practicing surrender as an integral part of my daily life for the past 2 years and I am still figuring it out. Recovery is a process and not a destination. But I can say, that when I get it right and I truly surrender in the moment, that is where the peace is. That is where the miraculous process starts, and that is the key that unlocks the indescribable magic of Steps 6 & 7, and He comes in and takes away the junk that is keeping me from connecting with Him and others. It Works When I Work It.
We would all love to learn from your insights and experiences with Surrender.
Looking forward to reading your comments this week!