Q&A – How has recovery work changed the way you set goals?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm your host, Tara McCausland, and I have here with me my awesome co-host, Justin B. Hey, Justin.

Justin B.: Hey, Tara. It's good to get back together with you and do these Q&As again. I'm excited to get back at it. Yeah.

Tara McCausland: And before we actually get into our discussion, a brief announcement for our listeners. So February 24th, 10 AM Mountain Time, SAL 12 Step is putting on a men's online workshop, which we're pretty excited about. This will be a free event, just a couple hours long.

Justin B.: Oh, I'm really excited about it. And, and at this point, it's, it's open to all men who have the link and want to get in. And it's our first one we've ever done with SAL on the men's side. We're going to have 2 sections. It'll be a workshop. We'll have, you know, workbooks. We'll have some role play. We'll have Q&A. We'll have some interaction in these things. The first section we'll cover for about 45 minutes or so will be about communication between the spouses after disclosure, and then the second part will be on sponsorship.

You know, in 12-step work, one of the scarier things for somebody who has come in is one to work the steps. And we're always trying to look for easier, softer ways to do things. Well. If I'm gonna really be serious, I need to work the steps. But number 2 is once I've worked the steps is sponsoring others through the steps. That's super scary. So we're gonna really address sponsorship and why it's important, how we can do it, why it shouldn't be as scary as we sometimes think it is.

So we will make sure that a link is, is put up on the website there. We'll also distribute the Zoom link throughout the men's SAL meetings, and we'll make sure it's also in the show notes of these podcasts over the next few times that we put it out so that that link will be there.

Tara McCausland: Great. Okay, well, awesome free resource. So we hope you'll take advantage of that. Okay. Well, without further ado, our Q&A. Since we are in January, and this tends to be a New Year's resolution goal-setting month for many of us, we actually thought it would be interesting and helpful for our listeners who are working their recovery to consider how do I make New Year's resolutions while working recovery, and is there a difference? And so I actually ran into this really cool quote to start us off, because for me, I have also shifted in how I make my goals in the new year.

And while I'm not working recovery in the same way that someone with an addiction or acute betrayal trauma might, I have recognized the need to ensure that God is playing a role in that. And so I found this really cool quote. I wanted you to riff off this for a minute, Justin. A quote by— I don't know who this is— A.W. Tozer. And he said, as God is exalted to the right place in our lives, 1,000 problems are solved all at once.

So with that in mind, Justin, how has working recovery shifted the way that you set goals?

Justin B.: Yeah, I love that. And that quote takes me directly to a section in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous leading into the taking of Step 3. And Step 3 is when I decide to Turn my, my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God. But leading into that, in the Big Book, we have a section that talks about the director, where I as a human, as an addict, as a whatever, try to run the play.

I'm trying to be the director of the play. I'm trying to make sure the lights are correct, that the lines are all everything, everything's in place. And in taking step 3, I step back and say, you know what, I am no longer the director. I'm now a stagehand, and I do exactly what the director says and nothing else. And when God is in that place as the director, the whole play goes together smoothly. Things happen according to God's will.

And with that in mind, setting goals, making decisions at the beginning of a new year has changed drastically for me over the last handful of years as I've been in recovery. I don't know about you, Tara, but you know, for most of my life, a New Year's resolution was, this year I am going to do this. I'm going to make $1 million. I'm going to lose 50 pounds. I'm going to do this. I'm— and I'm setting these goals.

Yeah. And I don't know about you, but for me, within 2 weeks or a month, those things are long forgotten, long forgotten. And, and I, I honestly can't think of a single New Year's resolution that I set that way that I kept. I may have, but I can't think of one. Something shifted though in my life in the last couple of years. And, and I'd like to get your take on this a little bit. First off, I have learned to live more one day at a time rather than a year at a time.

And I've learned more to say, you know what, God, my little plans and designs are no longer that important. What are your plans and designs for me? And so what I've done, and I'll ask you to give me some feedback on this here in a second, Tara, is the last 2 years, instead of saying, hey, these are my goals, I have sat down in my Step 11 practice, which is improving my conscious contact with God, seeking his will for me in order to help others, and said, hey, God, What do you want me to be aware of this year?

What do you want me to do this year? And totally keep the, the slate blank and let him guide me in that. What are your thoughts on that before I share any specifics on that?

Tara McCausland: I actually really love that. And it, it's interesting because, you know, I was that girl when I was a teenager that wrote all of my goals out on paper. I had 'em up on my wall and I was, and continue to be a very driven person. But the more I've gotten into this world of recovery, And this acknowledgement and acceptance of that I am not the director. I am not in charge. What I have to give to the God of my understanding is my will.

That's what I have. And everything else that I do and am really is a gift from him. That's my belief. He gives me the power to do and to create, et cetera. And so I've found it to be so empowering to, as you said, kind of set aside, what do I want to do? And open myself up to God, what, what does this really look like for you? And so even in my role as executive director, and I'm not really good at this, but I'm trying to get better.

I want God to be the CEO of SA Lifeline. Hmm. I want him to run the show. And so what does that look like for me if I were to, quote unquote, set a goal rather than me setting specific numbers for SA Lifeline? I try and, you know, tap into that vertical connection and asking him, what does success look like for you? And how are we going to do this together?

Justin B.: Yeah, I love that. And that's kind of the way I've, I've approached that. And I want to share last year. So 2023's vision or words that I needed to be aware of and plan that God had for me last year was summarized in 3 words. It was all things new, and that's the words that God gave me at the beginning of 2023. And he said, "Just be aware, look for, ask for, listen so that you can learn old things in new ways.

All things new." And it as I kept my focus on that one day at a time, God, what is what is happening in my life today that I can learn from a new perspective? I had so many new angles of things come. Just insights and and aha moments that that were just sent in that I was like, I've heard this, I've read this a million times, and all of a sudden it's a whole new way of of seeing it.

And and that was massive. Now this year, as I sat down with God and I said, okay, what do I need to be aware of this year? The words that came to me were into action. Be anxiously engaged. Get into action. And you know that's something that. I'm actually fighting. I'm actually fighting against that with all— I mean, white-knuckled nails in the ground. I don't want to do that. One of my biggest character defects is procrastination and avoidance.

And so when I got these words, I was like, okay, and I felt excited about it. And what did I do? I immediately went and played video games for 2 hours. I got right into action, let me tell you. And it's something that I'm fighting with right now in my life is I've got some things at work that I've got some deadlines and I'm just kind of pushing it off. Oh, I've got until January 20th to do this.

It's going to get hairy if I wait until January 20th. I need to get into action, into action. Any feedback on maybe not necessarily the necessary, the resolutions or the goals that I have there or the words that I'm focusing on these years, but on that process?

Tara McCausland: Yeah. Well, first of all, thanks for the authenticity. Just because we're open to God's feedback doesn't make it easy always to implement, right? I think it's always that one day at a time approach. I think if we look too far ahead, whether it's in recovery or in anything that we want to change, discouragement can set in. But if we have a one day at a time approach, believing and trusting that the God of our understanding will bring us from day to day, give us what we need from day to day and really be willing to follow that direction as much as we can, we will progress.

That type of humility and openness just lends itself to progression. But I did also want to say, this is so different, and this approach is so different than the I mentality. I will do this. I have the discipline. I have the willpower. Because most of the time, We can't drum it up, right? Most of the time we can't drum it up on our own. There are things that we can do to become more disciplined, yes. But if, if rather than looking to ourselves for that strength, we look upward, things shift.

And things that we've been trying to change in ourselves for maybe decades might just within months just fall off, right? Yeah. I wanted to read something to you and you'll kind of laugh, Justin, because I was doing some light reading. in the White Book, the essay White Book. Great. And you, you know that you were in this field when you're reading the White Book for fun. But actually, I've really enjoyed it. I came across on page 59 in this, again, the essay White Book, this really interesting quote.

And I'll try and give some context here for our listeners, but just understanding that change requires a change of heart. And sometimes we can't change our hearts. That's a God thing. And so as they're putting it here in the second paragraph, it says, quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference, or the difference being this change of heart and change of attitude, long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life, that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone.

What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions, our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource, which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power, capital P, greater than themselves. What do you think, Justin?

Justin B.: You know, I just love this, this whole reading in here. And as you mentioned, it comes from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the very last pages of the Big Book. This is kind of how it closes out on pages 569 and 570 with the spiritual experience. And I can say it no better than than what was said there. I mean, oftentimes when I am in the midst of this recovery process, I don't recognize the change that's happening in myself.

In fact, I get quite quite frustrated, man. I've been working at this for 3 months. Yeah, I'm sober, but I'm not seeing any change. Well, those who are watching from the outside can often see that change much quicker than I can. And even if they don't recognize it, even if they don't acknowledge it, because oftentimes we, especially us sex addicts, our spouses do not want to acknowledge the change for a while because it still hurts. They are still feeling the trauma.

And they're like, why am I not feeling this when in reality, if they're working their, their recovery, they're also making changes that the addict is seeing long before they see it themselves. But it's such a really cool thing when I give myself over to a power greater than myself and try to just try to one day at a time. The changes that happen may seem really small, but they're making a big difference. That one degree of change is Totally shifting my trajectory in the long run.

And what I love, this line here, what often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline, by decades of self-discipline. I sure tried to self-discipline myself for decades, and it didn't work until I gave myself to the simple program and said, God, discipline me rather than me discipline myself.

Tara McCausland: I love that. Well, and I know that this might all sound kind of like pie in the sky, maybe even a little cheesy to people who are listening. Like, and, and I get that sometimes it might feel and sound like that until you've experienced it. And so what we might suggest to you is that rather than just sitting down and making your New Year's resolutions that might include recovery goals, starting first with a humble openness and asking the God of your understanding in prayer or some type of meditation, What does progress look like to you for me this year?

And give me something that you will help me with to progress and change this year. And for me, honestly, I have loved goal setting for many, many years, but I have come to recognize that I can kick against the pricks and have my own agenda, or I can— Yeah. Turn myself over to God with a humble heart, and He will do with me so much more than I can do with me. So there's a simple to-do: ask God with a humble heart.

Start there, and He will take you one day at a time to wholeness, to healing, to recovery, to joy. That's been my experience.

Justin B.: I love that, and I want to I want to add one more thing. One of one person, a mentor of mine in recovery, has adopted a very very simple prayer. In her life over the last year or so, and I love it. And this prayer is, God, use me. That's it. That's what it is. Use me. And then making myself available to be used for whatever God's purposes are. And I think that's a great, a great way to look at this.

I'm not going to tell you, God, what I'm going to do. You tell me what to do, and I'll follow that. So it does sound pie in the sky. It does sound hippie dippy. It sounds kooky. A handful of years ago, if somebody would have said this to me, I'd be, you're nuts. But as I look back at my life before that, if I'm honest with myself, all the self-discipline that I tried, I'm going to push through this no matter what, it didn't work.

And all of a sudden this stuff works. Yeah. Yeah.

Tara McCausland: And there it is. You can't argue with the fruits. Right? Absolutely. So maybe I'll end with this quote again. As God is exalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once. So to our listeners, we wish you the very best on your recovery journey this year in 2024. But remember to keep God at the center, and you will be successful one day at a time. Thanks so much for being with us.

And we'll catch you next time.

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