Developing Self-trust, Self-compassion & Finding Your Why in Sex Addiction Recovery w/ Josh Otani

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm your host, Tara McCausland, and I'm so pleased to have here with me Josh Otani. Welcome, Josh.

Josh Otani: Hi, Tara. Thanks for having me. It's a pleasure to be able to be speaking on this podcast and being able to be able to hopefully convey some, some helpful information today. Yeah.

Tara McCausland: And I'm excited about what we'll be discussing today. And I think it'll help a lot of our listeners, both on the addicted side and the betrayed side. But do you want to give our audience just maybe a little glimpse of what it is that we'll be talking about today?

Josh Otani: Yeah. Today, I think some of the major points that we'll be talking about and I'd like to share about is a little bit about my own recovery journey and how that is interwoven with what I see clinically now as a practicing clinician and therapist. and therapist, I really do see those two going hand in hand where I'm able to pull from personal experiences helping clients that I'm seeing day to day and being able to relate with some of their and empathize with some of their struggles that they're going through.

And yeah, if anything, regardless of where you're on your journey in this recovery journey, I hope a piece of what I shared today may resonate with you.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. And I always love when people are willing, if they're clinicians, that they're willing to come and also share from a personal space. I think that really helps the message resonate when our listeners understand he knows this from a personal space as well as a, a clinical perspective. I would like to briefly introduce Josh. Josh Ortani is an LMFT. He's the founder of Big Valley Therapy, a practice dedicated to helping individuals and couples heal from pornography addiction, betrayal trauma, and relational disconnection.

Drawing from emotionally focused therapy, internal family systems, and trauma-informed approaches, Josh specializes in guiding clients toward deeper emotional connection, authentic healing, and lasting change. So just to kick off this conversation, why do so many people feel stuck in recovery even after they've tried to change their behaviors, they've been doing some recovery work? Can you speak to that a little bit?

Josh Otani: So typically when people come to see me, I guess one of the first things going off to what you're asking here is, I ask them essentially, what have you tried up until this point that has worked, that hasn't worked? And many of the times, for the most part of who I work with, very intelligent people who are well-educated, either hold a college degree, some, some don't, but regardless, it's that they're smart people. And I guess when it comes to recovery from whether it be sexually, sexually acting out or addictive patterns that they find themselves stuck in, It can be extremely difficult when some of these principles or things to be working on seem a little bit counterintuitive to what they know about fixing a problem or solving a problem, whether that be in their work or other areas of their life.

And yeah, that sentiment of kind of feeling like being stuck is a common sentiment. And I think something that is worth exploring.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. And just to kind of get into the topic of What if one of the biggest barriers to lasting recovery isn't just stopping the behaviors, it's learning to trust yourself again? And I know this is something that you wanted to tap into, talk about. Can we explore that a little bit? How does a lack of self-trust keep individuals stuck and maybe even caught in cycles of relapse?

Josh Otani: This idea of self-trust, I tend to see that clients will come in wanting to find relief, wanting to find some sort of outcome, whether it be a number of days, sobriety days or abstinence, time away from their behaviors. Maybe they're really wanting a greater sense of confidence in themselves that they really can do this. The whole idea about that self-trust is I think some of the issues is first not perhaps really knowing what exactly their goal is in recovery.

For some, that may mean, I want to be able to overcome and be able to, yeah, overcome some of these addictive patterns for my own self so I can feel more confident in myself. For some, it's, I want to do this for like a partner who has been hurting with my behaviors. And so regardless of what that intention, that is something that we do spend a good amount of time on is understanding the why behind why they're wanting to embark on this journey in the first place, and then what that may look like for them.

And so I think the whole idea about building self-trust is first knowing why you're wanting to embark on that journey, and then perhaps figuring out what are maybe some of the first steps in, in, in doing that. Typically, when I meet with clients, it's being able to explore their history in terms of how they view their sexual part. And what that means is, how I see it, we all kind of grow up with different viewpoints of our sexuality.

Some of us kind of grow up with more of a positive, more accepting view of our sexuality and a sense that it's something that's beautiful. It's something that, you know, for those that are religious, perhaps it's God-given. And, but for some people, and especially many who I guess are struggling on this path of recovery, it's being able to kind of maintain that healthy positive view of the sexual part. Perhaps, I'm just thinking about a couple clients that I've worked with previously, but who've experienced very— and not to say it's traumatic, but these experiences from childhood that really put a negative taint on how they view themselves sexually.

Maybe it was growing up and their friend showed them a pornographic magazine, and now they are bringing that home and their parents catch them. And now with just how pervasive technology and social media and tablets are these days, kids are finding themselves with content that is very— is uncharted territory. And so when it comes to some of their parent interactions, I have had many clients express just this idea that they've adopted these views of their sexual being as being more disgusting or something to be afraid of or something to be kept hidden.

And in those kinds of instances, really what I see clinically, and also having lived that personally, is just living in a lot of fear, living a lot of fear, that shame of this idea of we're all sexual beings and that's a natural part of our, I believe, our human existence. And so what I see is that when one maintains a view of their sexuality to be very negative, to be something to be afraid of, that tends to end up exacerbating the issue.

It intensifies almost this, this fear, this pressure, almost this very anxious energy. Some may even call it like it does feel like they get stuck in some of these OCD-like loops. Of being very fearful and being very scared to explore that, that realm, that part of them that in all of us is integral. And so I bring in this idea of that self-image of sexuality and maintaining a healthy vantage point of that sexuality, because for some, there is a lot of underlying work that needs to be addressed to be able to truly build that momentum in the recovery.

Something that I say here is that to build that self-trust, one needs to be able to adopt more of a recovery standpoint versus an abstinence standpoint, meaning that abstinence and sobriety, I do see those as very fundamental parts in being able to help grow someone's confidence, right? And I think that makes sense. Let's say you have a goal to run a marathon and you are making strides to run a couple miles each day. You're probably over time going to build up your stamina.

And confidence to be able to say, yeah, eventually I'm going to be able to make it to that, that end goal of running that marathon. But let's say there maybe is one week where you go hard, you're running the 5K, the 10K, and you're feeling pretty good about running that amount. But let's say you just stop completely. You just stop completely for a couple months. Your stamina is probably going to go down and you may start to revert back to as you were before.

And so there's this idea that, you know, that abstinence, that sobriety is very crucial when it comes to being able to build that stamina, but it's not everything. And being able to adopt that recovery mindset, for me, really means being able to really address these underlying roots that have sustained this behavior for as long as it has. Some people find themselves trapped in some of these addictive patterns for so many years to cope with self-doubt. to cope with insecurity about who they are.

Some of them find themselves trapped in perfectionistic tendencies of needing to feel like they need to earn their worth or feeling like they need to earn based off of performing certain, a certain expectation, whether it be earning family acceptance, school performance, sports, the list goes on. And so hopefully that answers the self-trust question a little bit, but I always start with asking, why have you chosen specifically to embark on this journey. And as, as clients gain more clarity in that sense, they're able to find more confidence in themselves and to trust themselves that say, hey, I don't need to be perfect on this journey, but I do know a couple of steps that can help me along the way.

And I know which resources to be able to turn to and what kind of mindset to be able to maintain as I'm going throughout this journey of recovery. It's not about perfection as much as it's about trying and becoming someone who can show up more fully for themselves, be more confident in themselves, but also learn to be able to truly connect and be vulnerable with other people.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, I love that. So I like this idea of connecting your why of working recovery to building self-trust. And so maybe roll with me for a second here, Josh. I'm sure you've had a lot of people walk into your office and give you a many reasons of why they're working recovery. Can you give me maybe a few points of the why that may be less helpful? And then an example of the why that is going to be most helpful in getting some traction in your recovery and building trust?

Josh Otani: So in terms of the whys, those points that maybe could be a little bit unhelpful, or what first comes to mind is Those that are unrealistic. And alluded to this a little bit when I talk about having that idea of perfectionism. Some people may come into my office and they're like, my why is I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. Essentially, I don't want to— I don't want to have those urges or those temptations to want to even turn back or even think about this kind of behavior anymore in my life.

Because it has wreaked havoc in my life and the life of those around me. And that is something that I very quickly talk about and address with them to say, it sounds like you are at a point in your recovery journey where you're exhausted, you're overwhelmed, you're utterly burnt out and really desperate, it sounds like, to find solutions here. You've tried working on this for many years, but find yourself regressing and finding yourself being stuck in the same place.

And so a lot of that is being able to help clients reframe that why of, I want to just be done with this, right? I don't want to even have to think about it anymore. I just don't want to turn back to this behavior at all anymore. And it's being able to help clients understand the reality. The reality of their situation is that, at least in the world that we live in, it's inevitable that you're going to stumble across something pornographic or be triggered in some ways or be sexually titillated and one way or the other.

And it's being able to, instead of trying to run from that or trying to avoid, again, that sexual part of themselves, is being able to learn to truly learn how to tango with that part, being able to truly learn how to work with that part rather than having it work against us. Because the times that I see with clients where they may start to put up walls or essentially negatively label these interactions that they have with their sexual partner, that tends to then just feed into the overthinking about some of these issues, and which can just intensify and perhaps lead to more slip-ups and, and setbacks.

That's one that comes to mind fairly often when people are coming in. It's just understanding what particularly they're wanting to get out of this experience that I tend to find is just needing some reframes. I, I tend to try to validate what their experience has been like, and also able to help them steer clear of some of those unrealistic expectations in order to find more hope and find more acceptance in who they are.

Tara McCausland: So if somebody's why walking into your office is, I'm so tired of my wife being frustrated with me about this issue, and so I just need to clear this up. Helpful, not helpful?

Josh Otani: Yeah. So again, the emotions that they're feeling, of feeling perhaps some of that tension or that fatigue of feeling like their partner is looking down on them or frustrated with them, that's a real thing. That's a real thing that I try my best to be able to validate. Now, to have that be the sole reason why they are embarking on this, and I imagine this is maybe where your question's kind of going towards, is just the idea that can't be the only sole reason why you're wanting to change.

Ultimately, you're going to need to be able to change for you. And for many people, that does require some discomfort. That is going to require some reconstruction in their lives of how are you approaching your own self-identity, your self-confidence? Has there been a lot of shame wrapped around this issue that now spills over to into other areas of your life where you're lacking in that confidence? I really see recovery as a lifestyle, more so than this, than just this one project that you're going to be working on for a couple of years in your life.

I really see it as something that is more of a way of being, of ultimately, if I do this process right, I'm not only going to be able to improve the relationship with my spouse who's frustrated with me, at least at this stage in our lives. But ultimately, I'm going to be able to learn how to rid the isolation, the self-soothing tendencies that I may have, the discomforts I may have to truly be vulnerable and truly connect with other people in meaningful ways.

There's, and so that's why I kind of say it's a way of being like, ultimately how you view yourself and your self-confidence is going to change. I tend to see a lot of insecurity wrapped up in a lot of these issues. And the idea that sexually acting out is played a almost served as a crutch or almost like a safe haven, if you will, for themselves for so many years. Of every time that I felt discomfort of not wanting to upset my partner, I withdrew and self-soothed with some of these numbing behaviors.

And that spans not only within the committed relationship or the relationship with your partner, but that spans into the work environments, relationship with kids. And I oftentimes see there is needing to be a lot of work done and uncovering a lot of these childhood experiences that have accumulated into the schema of how I view myself. And asking the hard questions like, hey, were there any times in the past that contributed to your low self-worth or your lack of self-esteem or belief that your worth is conditional?

Whether that can be coming from religious standpoint or family background. Or maybe you were bullied in school, or maybe you weren't the smartest kid and were more neurodiverse, like maybe had ADHD and could never concentrate and got poor grades. And, or maybe you weren't, maybe you were obese and had more weight than other kids. And we all have different experiences that kind of can, can, we can develop these insecurities. And I think that's ultimately just a part of our human experience.

It's kind of learning how to be able to address that rather than running away from it or burying it, but allowing that to kind of come up and truly be able to acknowledge it and learning from it, understanding that while that was that version of myself back then, I can move from that. That doesn't define me for the rest of my life of how I show up. And so again, long-winded way of saying It's not only about appeasing or placating your partner here.

It's really about finding your own why, meaning you, you are invested in your own building up your own self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, and really showing up in a different way.

Tara McCausland: Thank you. So for our listeners, and I think we've posed this question before on a previous episode, but I really like this idea, Josh, of exploring your personal why. And so if you are listening and you're working recovery from pornography or sexual addiction, I would love for you to pause and consider, what is my why? We know that performance-based recovery is not going to lend itself well to long-term healing. If we're just checking boxes or we're just doing it, as you said, to placate a spouse, it really has to come from a space of— Love.

I wanna change for me, just like you expressed so well, Josh. So that might be a good journal entry that you could work on. What is my why? And if you're still working on getting to a space of, I wanna do this for me, maybe what suggestion would you make to somebody that's saying, I'm not there yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up this addiction. I cope with this, right? What would you say to somebody that is not there yet?

Josh Otani: The first thing I would say in this is that there's services out there, professional services out there for a reason. Because the way I kind of see it is I relate it like you can think about like getting a broken leg, right? Your leg wouldn't heal properly if you just tried to take care of it on your own rather than going into a professional or like a doctor to be able to kind of look at it, set the leg, put a cast on it, for there to be a lot of supervision on it.

And so what I say to those that feel like they're not yet ready to embark on this journey, not yet ready to give up that crutch, that, or that safe haven, if you will, you're not alone. That certainly there, there's many people out there that feel the same way. One of the things when it comes to, again, recovery is being able to move away. I like how you kind of framed that performance-based recovery, moving away more from that.

And more into that recovery-based recovery of who ultimately are you trying to become. I think sometimes it can be hard to think long-term with your recovery because we can get very fed up in that performance-based outcome, kind of living in the future, or I hope I may become this person one day. I hope I may be able to never have to have urges or temptations. I hope I'll be able to rebuild that trust with my partner.

I hope I'll be able to build that self-confidence, but it can be extremely difficult to work on recovery when a lot of your mindset is based out in the future, even a couple of years from now. And so my advice to those listeners is being able to focus more on what you can do today is where I'd like to start. I'm just reflecting a little bit about my own recovery journey, and I very much, at least in the beginning, Saw it as performance-based.

And in my attempts to be able to build up this sobriety, times I had slip-ups, it felt like I was resetting the clock. It felt like I was kind of resetting my progress that I'd made. But something that really stuck with me that I heard either from a previous recovery podcast or someone told me was this analogy of driving from— and I'm based off in Utah, so driving from Salt Lake to Vegas. Mm-hmm. And the idea is that if you're driving from Salt Lake to Vegas, and let's say you get a flat tire in St.

George, you're certainly not going to tow yourself all the way back to Salt Lake to fill up your tire, patch it up, and then start on your journey again. That just doesn't really make a whole ton of sense, right? You patch it up where it was, get a new tire, and move from St. George onwards to Vegas, right? And so that may require some time, that may require some headache of needing to get in contact with your Big O Tires or whoever's going to fix your tires.

But the idea is that you start, you get up from where you had left off and you keep on moving forward. That is something that I encourage a lot of my clients to be able to maintain that mentality, that if this is a marathon, a slip up or having a fall doesn't mean you start back at the starting line. It kind of sounds ridiculous, but sometimes we do frame it like that when we've spent years and years entrapped in this perfectionistic mindset or this performance-based mindset of My performance equals my worth, and if I slip up, that means I'm a failure.

I caution a lot of clients even as they're coming in, and I'm very perceptive now to be able to catch clients when they come into my office and the first thing that they say is, Josh, just let me tell you about how this week was. I had many slip-ups and I feel terrible and all these things, and it's just this word vomit that I hear from them. All about their performance and how they didn't measure up and how they want to commit to being better forever and be entirely done with this and making themselves these promises.

I really helped to slow that down and being able to redirect their attention and focus to their small wins, being able to focus on those small things that they've been doing, whether that be connecting more or emotionally checking in with their partner more. Whether that be having better, just better time management, being able to intentionally decide to leave your phone at home when you go on a walk, right? Or getting exercise or doing something to be able to move and integrate more movement into, into their life.

It can be easy to fall victim to focusing on what's, what those outcomes are and really feeling like you're failing every single time you have a misstep. And I think, yeah, especially for those who feel helpless in this journey, it's about being able to just recognize that the only thing I can really control right now is this next step in front of me. How am I going to choose to use this next hour that is going to invoke a sense of, of being intentional with how I use my time?

How am I going to use this next hour to be able to live in accordance with my values? And how can I ultimately do so by being able to feel better about myself, being able to invoke more of that self-compassion in myself that I don't need to be perfect with all my goals and my values? Those are certainly guideposts along the way, but just understanding that I'm human, I'm going to make mistakes along the way. And it's not to forfeit yourself or to say, if I make mistakes, then that's just who I am.

And Why put in the effort? Because I'm just going to screw up anyways. It's being able to catch that and reframe that to say, hey, how am I going to be able to learn from this past slip up? What one little ounce of wisdom am I going to take with myself so I can try a little bit harder next time? Not just in the sense of I got to grind this out, but how can I truly be intentional with how I'm showing up differently now?

Tara McCausland: As you were speaking, I was thinking. In regards to building self-trust, I think being able to be present, be where your feet are is a great phrase, or one day at a time, and being able to celebrate the small wins, which again, we're human. And so those small wins will be intermingled with the challenges, right? When we're not always living up to our values and there may be the occasional slip up, et cetera. But I like that perspective.

when we're thinking about building self-trust, because there is a lot of fear for people that are dealing with addiction. Because if they're looking too far out, they may say, I can never do this. I can't maintain my sobriety forever. That feels so heavy. But if you think, I can do this today, and I can take this one small step this next hour to align myself with my values, I don't know. I don't know if that resonates with you, Josh, but I like this idea of developing self-trust through these small wins and acknowledgement of those small wins and being compassionate in those moments when we feel like we're not living up to what we're hoping to do.

Any other thoughts about that?

Josh Otani: Yeah, it's interesting. A particular client is coming to mind, and it's just the idea that these principles, hopefully, if we're intentional with it, if we're working that one day at a time, are eventually going to translate into just daily life, how one shows up. And I'm thinking about this one client in particular who came from a very stressful work environment, working with a lot of very smart, intelligent engineers. And I know some, some work environments can be more cutthroat than others, but I think the, the whole idea about it is, as, as I saw Him being intentional with his recovery, his ability to be able to show up differently in the workspace was drastically different from the first time that he walked into my office.

Before, it was very much of, how can I meet the demands of my supervisors? How can I be able to please and be able to meet all their requirements and expectations for myself? And slowly but surely, we moved more or less from, or away from that. He still very much cared about his work. He still is a very hard worker, and that's something that he found a lot of pride in is, I work hard and I'm intentional with my work and I truly care about me and those I supervise.

But we're able to move away from that and more so to this self-compassionate view, one that was more grounded in self-confidence and believing that he didn't need to do everything. All day, every day, exactly how his supervisors needed him when it came to some of his work. And that was groundbreaking for him because when he started to develop that kind of mindset, that kind of attitude shift, his ability to be able to, one, work effectively increased actually, but also two, his ability to, with recovery, and to be able to effectively regulate his emotions improved as well.

That's why I say this is really a way of life. When people come into therapy initially, they have this view that recovery is this small little peephole of an issue that if they work on that, then, then that's it. But what I help them to understand is that this one little peephole that you are seeing it through really has, has connection throughout your whole Life, really. And a lot of these themes, and I can think about many other clients who have worked on in different areas of their life, finding more confidence and more of that self-worth and just understanding that their self-worth is unconditional and inherent.

It really makes a large difference in people's lives. And so I say, like, when I meet with clients, initially our work is going to be talking about recovery from this peephole. Maybe more of a 60/40, but eventually it's gonna be to the point where majority of what we talk about is, how can I be able to feel more confident speaking to my supervisor and expressing my needs about how to be able to have some more realistic expectations when it comes to work-life balance?

Right? And really being able to have a voice in all of this and being able to lead out more from that authentic self. rather than I just feel like I'm bending over backward to do all these things for other people and all these expectations and the shoulds. And yeah, if that adds some granularity to what I'm talking about, I do see it as really not only seeing recovery through that people, but also just a way of being, a way of life.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, we would 100% agree with you at SA Lifeline about that. very often, as you have expressed, people will come into the rooms of recovery in 12 steps specifically thinking, okay, I'm gonna just buckle down. I'm just gonna take care of this issue and then I'm gonna move on, right? Yeah. And eventually they do have kind of this aha, oh, these principles are blessing every aspect of my life. So originally it was the addiction or the trauma that brought them into the rooms of recovery.

But they keep coming back because they recognize the principles are not just recovery principles from addiction and trauma, but healthy living practices. Yes. And so I love that change in perspective that sometimes people will come into this world and just say, how long do I have to do this? But if you have this perspective of, guess what? Actually, This process, this healing process, the uncovering of the old and new wounds, if you've been a betrayed partner, is going to be painful.

But it is in this process that if you will give yourself to it, that you will become the best version of yourself, that you will experience joy and peace, acceptance of others that you have never experienced, a relationship with God that you didn't know was possible. So the addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. And there's so much going on— childhood trauma, etc.— that's often driving this behavior. And if we're willing to do the work, boy, recovery, which translates into healthy living, can produce a beautiful life.

But before we leave this, so you know from your own experience how challenging it can be for those suffering from addictive patterns to really again give themselves over to this because Their old life worked. It didn't work, but it's what they know, right? And so there might be—

Josh Otani: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

Tara McCausland: Internal conflict. So what's happening internally when one part of us really wants to change, but the other is still wanting the relief of the old coping mechanisms, the addiction? How can understanding this maybe reduce shame for us?

Josh Otani: One of the things that come to mind that I've been recently paying more attention to is being able to actually accept, learn how to acknowledge and accept those tendencies, those cravings to want to turn back to those, those old ways. Because logically, many of my clients are smart and they can understand that, okay, this is going to take some time and effort, and these are values that I want to be aligned with. And this all sounds great, right?

It sounds like Something that I want to be very invested in. But along the way, it can be difficult to be able to maintain that level of motivation, that vigor to say, hey, like, I it's hard right now, and I want to keep on persevering. I want to keep on keeping on with this process. And so I think one of the first things is for those who are struggling and grappling with these kind of two parts of I want to be able to see progress in my recovery.

But I also want to kind of cling onto that past life, is be able to just acknowledge both of those parts together, right? And a lot of therapy and DBT work, there's this principle of being able to hold those 2 truths at the same time. And those 2 truths of those 2 parts that are kind of speaking out, the part that wants to see that progress, but also that part that wants to cling onto that past. And instead of, again, trying to reject this other part, trying to kind of dismiss it, or trying to criticize it for that voice of wanting to view pornography or wanting to self-isolate or self-soothe, that, that's okay.

That the idea that part is being able to speak out is saying something. That's a natural part of just us as humans, right? Like, for example, like, I may one day decide that I want to be more healthy. I may cut out the sweets. I may cut out all the things that, you know, I enjoy, and I may have this exercise regimen. But there may come points along that journey that I'm really just craving a soda.

I'm really craving my Dr Pepper or craving eating whatever junk that I'm not supposed to eat. But I really want to make weight. I really want to feel and look a certain way before the summertime or whatever. And it's just being able to acknowledge that and accept that, that, that part of you. I, I guess to go off that, it's funny, I was just talking with my wife about this, but for her specifically, for a while it's been difficult.

It's been difficult to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with food. And there were times where she was craving something unhealthy and she'd get down on herself to say, oh, why are you having that thought? Why are you having that craving? You've been working so hard on these things. Why are you trying to abandon that? And she'd have that kind of inner critic that kind of may, may push back on and criticize this, this part that's speaking out from her.

But what she told me was, I think, profound. She told me that as I learned over this past year to be able to talk kindly to that part of me, to just accept that I may occasionally still have cravings to want to eat Hot Cheetos or whatever she wants to eat, that Once in a while, that, that's okay. That, that's okay to be able to have some of those cravings and that, that's not a bad thing.

That's just part of being human, a part of being, I believe, on this earth and is to learn and grow and learn to accept these different parts. And, and then based off that self-acceptance, that self-acknowledgment of that part, being able to then decide from your driver's seat, if you will, what you're wanting to do, right? And so I guess when it comes to sexually acting out, helping a lot of clients is being able to, instead of rejecting this part right away, acknowledging it, accepting it for what it is, understanding that, oh, I had a thought to view porn, or, oh man, I really miss being able to just have my own alone time and view porn and that sense of sexual gratification in that moment.

But it's understanding to truly heal from this is being able to acknowledge that part, and then being able to shed compassion on it. And notice that I do a lot of somatic work and being able to trace how those thoughts translate into how we may become aroused sexually or feeling those sensations in their body, the pressure that they may feel. That this idea is, as you gain more of that self-acceptance for this part, that pressure Little by little is going to decrease.

Your ability to be more sexually mindful is going to increase. And from that point on, you are then able to truly decide what you'd like to do. To say, oh yes, I did have this thought to view porn, and deep down I acknowledge that I actually truly miss it. But with acknowledging it for what it is, that it's a normal, natural thing to be feeling that way, I'm going to decide to do this instead. Because that aligns more with my value system.

So with accepting this part, it doesn't mean we're giving into it or trying to make an excuse here. That's not what we're trying to do, or fall back into addictive pathways or rationale, but it's rather just seeing it for what it is and then being able to gently redirect yourself to what you like to do. I do see a lot of healing and a lot of trust building in clients that are really able to grasp and practice this principle.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, I really like that. So if I were to just summarize really briefly, so when that trigger, that thought comes, instead of the self-loathing and the suppression and the, just that inner battle, you're saying, you're saying acknowledge it with self-compassion and be okay with the fact that this was an old tool. That's putting it lightly. Yeah. But you were using this as a tool, as a mechanism to help you deal with life, right? Sure. So that compassion, that acknowledgement will free you of the shame and maybe even put you— if we're going to talk about it and how our brain might respond to that, that'll put you back into more of your thinking brain, right?

Yes. It's not so much the lizard brain. It's, okay, who do I want to be? And is this in alignment with my values? And what would be the outcome if I choose to act on that feeling? So I love that. And I might even add another S, which is sponsors. This is where a sponsor is so powerful in 12-step, right? That connection of, I'm struggling, help me get out of this space. And a good sponsor will also direct them to the God of their understanding.

We'll often call that surrender in 12-step, this process of acknowledging what's really happening, giving it to God, and communicating it to somebody else. But I love how you just shed some different light on that, Josh. Our time is short, but I wanted to end with 2 more, 3 more questions with our bookend. So we haven't really delved into your story too much or at all, but I'm curious, what are lessons from your own recovery journey that have reshaped how you approach healing today with your clients?

Or what do you wish you knew as you were working through this?

Josh Otani: What do I wish I knew? So many things. But I think one of the things is what would've helped me so much in my own recovery journey is truly knowing that one nugget, that my worth is unconditional, that it's not dependent on my performance and rather just who I am. And I think the, the earlier I could have learned those principles, the more positive, more confident, uh, I would be a lot earlier on in my life.

I did spend many of my childhood and teen and even young adult years kind of feeling trapped in this idea that I had to earn my worth, that I had to earn through performance, whether it be directly looking at the recovery aspect, but every aspect of my life, whether it be my, my role as a student or in a religious setting with worthiness. And so that is something that I, I wished I had earlier on. Unfortunately, I didn't.

And, but I do see my, my own journey of self-recovery really being able to drive a lot of these principles and the passion that I come across when I talk with my clients and be able to say, hey, you're young. Like my youngest client right now is 14 years old. And what a blessing to be able to learn that from such a young age that he can accept himself, really learn some of these, these core principles. To really drastically change the trajectory of his life.

Great, brilliant kid, but yeah, all all the more to him with being able to come in and learn these principles. And I think he's gonna be. I don't know if he wants to become a therapist in the future, but I'd say yeah, he definitely be a strong sponsor or someone to be able to truly bring up the next generation. Yeah, that that idea of self compassion and self acceptance, I definitely. Wish I had that earlier on.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, thank you. As we're closing up, I love this idea of building self-trust with figuring out your why and getting to a space of, I'm doing this for me because I want to align myself with my values and gain my self-confidence, etc., get that back. But what are some practical ways that people can begin rebuilding self-trust and creating that sense of internal safety? Like today, what could they start doing?

Josh Otani: So one thing, as an assignment I give a lot of my clients as we're learning to talk more kindly to yourself and to recognize some of these internal dialogues and patterns that we may get kind of sucked into, is being able to just start noticing in your life how you're talking to yourself. And just starting with that, how are you talking to yourself? Am I finding myself being more self-critical as I'm going throughout my day? And I'm finding myself being too hard on myself or expecting too much of myself in certain areas of my life.

A common theme I see is we have a lot of values of health, of being able to have healthy relationships, of furthering our careers and our education, and the list goes on. And I think it's often a fallacy that we can balance all of them perfectly all at once. But the first thing I noticed, or I'd encourage listeners to be able to start implementing in their lives, is recognizing that We can't balance all the plates all at once.

We can't juggle everything all at once. And so being able to recognize how you are talking to yourself when you start to become more self-critical of, oh, I'm not doing this in this, in the way I should be, or how I should be showing up as a mother or father, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a student, being able to catch how you're talking to yourself. And from there, we then work on how can we then reframe what you're saying?

How can we then reframe what you're saying to be more compassionate, more self-accepting of yourself? And so that's perhaps an invite that I like to give out, is just being able to start paying attention and noticing how you're talking to yourself. And I find when I'm able to do that for myself, it's almost as if my insides are able to just relax itself, able to just feel more of that warmth, feel my self, more in my body, just definitely more in, or my thinking brain rather than just feeling like I'm reactionary or feeling like things are out of my control or feeling very anxious.

I tend to feel a lot more secure and calm and safe. I think that's something that you talked about. How can we feel more safe in our bodies? And throughout this experience is just recognizing how you talk to yourself because we often are our biggest critic.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. I love that. And if we're going to build self-trust, if we are our own worst critic, I'm not going to feel safe in this body, in this mind, right? So I love this idea of looking at our self-talk and becoming a coach, becoming our best advocate. That's hard. It's hard, but we start today. And I love that invitation. As we're closing up shop here, this has been so good, Josh. If somebody wants to connect with you, what's the best way to do that?

Josh Otani: Yeah. So the best way to contact me are a couple of ways, but probably the biggest one is just my website. I currently own Big Valley Therapy. It's my solo practice and that will be linked in the show notes, just bigvalleytherapy.com. You can see more about my work and what I do with clients. But yeah, you can contact me that way or find me on Google.

Tara McCausland: Wonderful. We always like to ask this bookend question of our guests, Josh. So what advice would you give to someone who's just starting this path of recovery? Versus what would you tell somebody that's been doing this work for a while?

Josh Otani: For someone starting out in this journey, I just say one step at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, as we talked about. It's really just focusing on one step at a time, what they can control today, and then being able to celebrate those small wins as they're going out. And for someone who's been on this journey for a while now, I would probably say, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself in the ways that you are showing up.

You've probably up to this point put in tremendous amount of work and effort in trying to be more self-introspective, going to these 12-step groups, going to therapy. You've been doing the work. Give yourself a pat on the back. This is hard work. This is— we're not only talking about, again, this peephole of a focus, we're talking about really changing the way in which you show up in your entire life. And so be kind to yourself as you're on continuing on this path that it's going to be— it's— you've done a lot up until this point.

And I think a lot of times we just have to look back and say, wow, I'm a very different person than the person that I first was when I started on this journey.

Tara McCausland: Thank you. I appreciate the compassion and the empathy that you bring to this, Josh. You're a very calming individual. I'm sure that's one, one reason why you're good at what you do. But thank you again for your time. Thank you for the great work you're doing as a therapist, and grateful to have this, this time to, to talk with you today. Awesome.

Josh Otani: Thank you, Tara.

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