Q&A – How can I respond to trauma triggers in a healthy way?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families. Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery podcast.

Tara McCausland: I am your host, Tara McCausland. And for this Q&A, I have here with me my friend, Jenny Brockbank. Hey, Jenny. Good to see you.

Jenny Brockbank: Hey, Tara. Thanks for having me. Love being here.

Tara McCausland: And I have to say, so Jenny is SA Lifeline's executive assistant, and she's incredible. I couldn't do without her. So newsletters, those are created by Jenny. A lot of what you see in our social media, media. Those are created by Jenny. She is awesome. So today I've got a Q&A that I think a lot of our betrayed partners will be interested in, and especially as we're coming into summer and, you know, going to the beach and the pool and more skin.

I wanted to talk about how we can respond to trauma triggers in a healthy way, and I thought Jenny would be a great person to speak to this. So Jenny, first of all, what is a trauma trigger?

Jenny Brockbank: Yeah. Well, I appreciate that question a lot, but I also really appreciate you bringing up summer and how triggering that can be. Because really it's like all of a sudden we don't feel safe. Maybe we're hypervigilant. We, for me, I can feel just super, super distressed and looking around. And the thing is with a trigger, It's not active trauma. It is trauma from like PTSD kind of thing. So it's, it's trauma from previous things. So we might be safe in that moment, but we don't necessarily feel safe and we don't necessarily know why.

And so it can be a challenge when we're, we're faced with those kinds of things.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. And that's a great point that this could be. trauma from 10, 15 years ago. You, you could have been working your recovery for a very long time, and still experience trauma triggers that may feel nonsensical. But as Rilke has said, trauma is cellular. It doesn't ever truly leave our body. And so recognizing when we're experiencing a trauma trigger, not shaming ourselves, when we feel these hard and sometimes extreme emotions, I think self-compassion is a good place to start.

But would you— do you have some suggestions? Maybe like a little role play? I'm your friend, I call you, maybe you're even my sponsor. I'm at the pool, and I just feel so triggered by all of what I'm seeing. And I see men's eyes on these women, and I feel my heart racing, and I I feel unsafe, what would you tell me?

Jenny Brockbank: Yeah, I think probably my favorite response comes from the SAL book, and it's just really a powerful response. And so I'm going to read that. It's from the section that's called A Recovery Mindset. It's not very long. It says, whenever we lose serenity, we pause, breathe, practice self-care, and be honest with ourselves regarding our needs and emotions. We then reach to the God of our understanding and another woman working recovery by surrendering through prayer, writing, and speaking the things we cannot change.

Finally, we hold necessary boundaries based on our need for safety and surrender the outcome. And I think, like you're saying, if you were my friend and you were calling in such a situation, I think probably though, the first thing I would do is just validate. That makes sense. I've been there too. This is really, really hard. Of course it is, you know? And ask immediately, what do you need? What do you need? And from there we can move into things.

But, you know, to calm down that initial trauma trigger, I love the thought we pause, breathe, practice self-care, and be honest with ourselves regarding our needs and emotions. And that's probably the basis of what we're gonna wanna do. And the pause is really important. Because, I mean, if I don't pause, I might jump or say something I'm going to regret or start acting in emotionally just not in control ways for me. Breathing, practicing self-care too is really critical.

And it's tricky in a situation like that. I think self-care would be, for me, a boundary. in that situation. And that might be an internal boundary where I'm looking at it saying, OK, hey, self, you are safe. It makes sense that you're feeling this way. And I'm wondering if there's something else we need to think about. Or maybe also we'll just say that I'm with my spouse, and currently I'm getting divorced, but we'll just pretend that I'm with my spouse and he is actively checking out other women.

Well, that's a little different, right? Because in that case, I'm not safe. And so a boundary for me might be, I still want to stay and hang out, and I am going to separate myself from where he's at and go hang out with my children. Or it could be, this is just way too triggering. I'm not healed enough yet to be in this situation. I'm going to get an Uber and I'm going to go home. Or call a friend or something like that.

Or maybe there's a shop attached and I'm going to go do that. But whatever it is, I'm going to look at what I need and take care of myself on steroids without apology, because otherwise everybody else will suffer too. Not just me. Everybody else will, will pay a high price if I'm not doing well.

Tara McCausland: Well, that's so good, Jenny. I think it's, it is so important when we experience this to pause to recognize what's happening to me, right? And then the breathing, which can help calm the nervous system. I actually really have taken to tapping. Yeah. So one thing that when I breathe, I'll also tap right, left, right, left. And that can just kind of get us back into our bodies, back where our feet are, right? And, and then I think we might have a little bit more mental bandwidth to consider, okay, what next?

And certainly setting the boundary and taking care of yourself. And I think so many of us who've experienced trauma, maybe people have told us that we were oversensitive or maybe even crazy. Like, what's wrong with you? Right. Right. And that feels so shaming. And so again, going back to that, like, I'm not crazy. I'm not sensitive. I'm a traumatized woman. And that's my reality. And that's OK. Oh, yeah.

Jenny Brockbank: I love that because self-compassion is so critical, at least for me, with healing to where I need to look at myself. If I'm going to shame myself, my healing journey is going to be— because I've tried it a lot, right? My healing journey is going to be pretty abrupt. Or maybe I could even shame myself into changing behavior, but it's going to come out. than in some other way, or I'm just— what I have found is the more gentle I can be with this, just like a friend would be with me, it is just so much better.

I think there's a little confusion there because with self-compassion, sometimes the thought is, well, if I'm compassionate with myself, I'm not holding myself accountable and I'm not going to change. And that's not the concept really. And the concept is to understand why we're doing something that we're doing, maybe that we don't even like, and then to look at it and say, I do want to show up differently and in this gentle way. What can I do?

In fact, is it all right if I share a little personal experience about that? Please. Yeah. So I don't even remember what I was doing, but I remember I was showing up in this way that was I didn't like, and I remember praying and saying to me, Heavenly Father, so God of my understanding, I am hurting so badly. I cannot believe that I have showed up this way. I cannot believe here I am. Please take this in a way I don't know how to do it.

I'm very distressed, and here I was in this like fierce state. And after a little bit, I calmed down, and I could tell there was something that he had to tell me, and. So as I listened, I felt this strong impression to look at a feelings wheel. And for those who don't know what that is, it's like we have core emotions that branch out into other emotions. And so like if, if you're looking at happy, you might see other things with happy that you might see invigorated or joyful or something that might fit a little differently.

And so as I was looking at this, I was really surprised To see that everything basically that I was experiencing was in this category of fear, and for me it was like Heavenly Father saw me. He's like, "I I see you. I understand why you're behaving this way. You are afraid." And then I felt this fear not. And you know when I addressed that, I I changed. It was like that was the. the process for repentance for me was he understood that I was afraid.

I could show up, you know, a little differently when I could hold myself in compassion and say, of course you're afraid. This is, this is really a hard situation. It makes so much sense what you're experiencing. Let's meet that need. Let's take care of that. Let's make sure you feel safe. And then I could show up differently. And it was, it was a really cool experience to be seen by God in that way. But the more I can do that for myself too, is more even, I don't know, independent, like, and it's nice to have him do it.

Don't get me wrong, but he taught me a principle that I could do for myself.

Tara McCausland: And that's really powerful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Yeah. Well, so let's again review for our listeners, just what are those few steps that we can take when we were experiencing trauma, we're in the heat of the moment? What are those steps if you can repeat them one more time?

Jenny Brockbank: Yeah, we're going to pause. Breathe, practice self-care, be honest with ourselves regarding our needs and emotions. Those are the key things. Well, you know what, I'm going to keep reading because there's a few more. It says, we then reached to the God of our understanding and another woman working recovery by surrendering through prayer, writing, and speaking the things we cannot change. So basically, if we're looking at that, then it's pause, breathe, self-care, Be honest with ourselves regarding needs and emotions, and then reach out for support to God and somebody else while we practice surrender.

So it sounds a little complicated, I think, until you get into it and you realize this is kind of magical and it becomes a little more second nature than at first. You know, maybe we need a checklist at first. Eventually, eventually we were like, okay, here's the step and this is what I need to do. And we really can find serenity again. It might take a bit, that's okay, but we really can. Yeah.

Tara McCausland: Well, and just a plug for reaching out as we finish. I just, the older I get, the more I recognize, boy, we're just, we just weren't meant to do any of this in isolation. Right. It's really a challenge to live in this time and period of the history of the world. We have unique difficulties that no other generation has ever faced. And I feel like we need each other more than ever. So if we're new to this and we're like, I don't even know where to start, start by reaching out to someone safe.

And hopefully you've started going to a group, to an SAL 12-step group, and, and you have at least a temporary sponsor, someone that can help walk you through Uh, this experience that anyone that has experienced betrayal will understand. So to our listeners, we're so grateful that you've been here with us. And thank you, Jenny, for your insight and your wisdom. Happy summer. We can't live a trigger-free life, but as we practice these principles, we can find serenity and peace.

So thanks again for being here with us. We'll catch you next time.

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