Q&A – What are some barriers to working Step 4 and how do I overcome them?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families. healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm your host, Tara McCausland, and welcome Justin B., my co-host.

Justin B.: Hey Tara, I'm happy to be here.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, good to see ya. Before we get started, registration is still open for our 2024 SA Lifeline Virtual Conference. We're so excited to have 15 presenters for this conference. First day, we're talking about Unwanted sexual behavior. We're also going to have a panel of men recovering from sexual addiction at the end of that day. Second day is all about betrayal trauma, and we'll also have a women's panel at the end of that day. And the third day, which I'm so excited for, is all about healing couples and families.

I'm excited to hear from our headliners, but also we'll have a couples panel and 2 live Q&As, which I think you'll really want to take advantage of with our experts that are presenting at this event. There are still scholarships available if you'd like to apply for one of those. You can see the full agenda at salifeline.org, see the presenters, their presentation titles. You won't wanna miss it. And just a shout out to our sponsor for the conference, Circles of Grace.

We'll put a link for, uh, their website in the show notes. Thanks to Circles of Grace and for the great work that they are doing in the field of sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. So today we're discussing what are some barriers in doing step 4 and how do I overcome them? Maybe before we jump into that, Justin, what is step 4?

Justin B.: So step 4 reads, made a searching and fearless written moral inventory of ourselves. And step 4 is when many people come into program, this is where the line between talking about recovery and really doing the work of recovery really starts happening. And it's a scary place for a lot of people.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. Especially for those who are really new to the program from the women's perspective, from a betrayed partner's perspective, this might be like, I'm, I'm a victim here. What, what are you talking about that I need to come in and fix me? And we'll get into that in a moment. But for, for a, a man dealing with addictive behaviors, what might be the initial response to step 4?

Justin B.: Yeah, I loved the conversation we had with Bill Kay on this last episode. In step 4, he related his life to an old pickup truck that burned oil and that he did not want to look under the hood. He wanted to live in denial that there was a problem and not look at it square in the face with the hopes that it just continued to work and run and move forward in a good enough fashion to where he could get to where he needs to go.

And that is a great description of at least me as an addict. I didn't want to look at myself through a clear mirror because the image coming back was just too scary for me.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. So when we first started our conversation around the steps, you had actually segmented the steps into 3 parts. And so this is kind of our initiation into the second segment of the steps. Do you want to just give us a little review on that?

Justin B.: Yeah, I'd love to. So what, how was it explained to me by one of my mentors in recovery is that steps 1 through 3 are the connection steps. They're where I connect with God, with myself, and with others. Steps 4 through 9 are the correction steps. It's where I'm trying to make things right that I have contributed to going wrong in my life. I'm identifying them. I'm confessing them. I'm looking at my character defects and trying to be, and being willing to give those to God.

And then I'm trying to make things right in steps 8 and 9 with my fellows. And then steps 10 through 12 are the direction steps. The direction steps where I'm seeking direction from God and putting that into action in my day-to-day life.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. Thank you so much. I think we all recognize none of us like to look at ourselves and be that honest. This is a hard step to take, but I think you're right. This is the difference between people who are willing to talk about doing the steps and people who are actually willing to dig in and really see the gifts of the program. But we want to empathize with you. As someone who may be struggling with betrayal trauma or sexual addiction, that this is a hard step.

We do know, however, that pain is the pathway to progress, and this is painful, but this is what will give you the ability to move beyond where you are and really see the progress that you've been seeking personally, and I think in your relationships with others and with God. Let's first address those who are struggling with addictive behaviors. So Justin, I know you've, you've really worked this step hard personally. You've worked with sponsees, you've been working in a group setting for many, many years.

Maybe start off first with yourself. Like what were some of your fears or barriers in starting step 4 and how did you overcome them? Yeah.

Justin B.: And, and, and I don't know if I can say overcame them. I, I can say work through them. Yeah. Embracing them or You know, just brushing against them as I work through them is a good way to put it. And it's not that step 4 in and of itself is super scary if I look at it through recovered eyes, but as I look at it through addicted eyes, it is so scary. So basically what it is, is I'm taking all of my negative emotions, my resentments, and I'm identifying them.

And then I'm, I'm saying, what the fuck? Where was I wrong in this? I'm taking my fears and identifying them. And I'm saying, where was I wrong? Or where was I lacking in faith in my higher power and the God of my understanding? Where did I miss that? Where was I trying to rely on self in order to get through things? And I was really afraid. And then I look at the harms that I've done to others, whether it's directly related to my addiction or not.

I'm looking at all those harms where I have caused harm, pain, discomfort, feelings of betrayal, whatever, with others. And I'm identifying where was I wrong, not where were they wrong. And it's a really scary thing to go at if I'm looking at it from an addict's eyes, because one, I don't wanna admit that I have these issues. I remember the first time with fears, and I may have shared this before, I have no fears. I told my sponsor, I told my sponsor, I was like, I am not afraid of anything.

I have short man syndrome. I will stand up to anyone anywhere, anytime. And I will not back down. Man, as I look at it now, I am full of fear. And that was one of the big fears is admitting that I had fears. And I think honesty is a big block there. Yes, step 1, we try and get into honesty, but I don't want to admit that I am a flawed human being. So I think that's one of the big things for me is getting honest and being able and willing to see myself clearly.

Does that make sense?

Tara McCausland: I think we often hear that acceptance is the first step to change, right? That we have to be able to see things as they really are and accept them in order to move forward. But that is, that's painful to, to make that admission.

Justin B.: Yeah, it is.

Tara McCausland: So as you've worked with sponsees, what are some of the other rationalizations or justifications or things that come up about why I can't do this?

Justin B.: Well, a lot of it is time, you know. Because if I'm doing a thorough and searching and honest inventory of myself, it's gonna take some time. It's not something that I can breeze through in, in an hour typically. And I'm not gonna say everybody is this way, but typically this is like a month's worth of hours, an hour a day of work doing a thorough and, and searching and honest Step 4. It's gonna take a long time of writing a lot, of analyzing a lot, a lot of prayer.

Saying, God, is there more? What am I missing? Trying to, trying to have light shone on all of the dark corners of the self. And, and with that, the self trying to keep shadows on them so I can't see them clearly because the self doesn't want to admit, hey, there's a mess there. And in order for that mess to get cleaned up, that means that I have to back off and let God in and let my sponsor in and let someone else in.

So those are some of the things that I see as obstacles.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. How do you see a sponsor and other group members supporting an individual in doing this step work?

Justin B.: Yeah, I think that's a, it's a great question. I think it's a 2-part question. I'm only gonna hit the sponsor one first and then I'll go to the group members because it's totally different. A sponsor is there to shine additional light to help make sure the sponsee is being honest and thorough. And the sponsor should be, I think, should be kept abreast of the progress the sponsee is making throughout that month or whatever that timeframe is.

So every day or a couple times a week saying, hey, send me everything you've got done so I can put my eyes on it and see where it's going. Because a phrase I hear people say, it takes two to see one. Mm-hmm. Because if I'm just doing it myself, I am so blind to myself. I am blind to the truth. I need to have somebody else going, Hmm. I see you wrote this. Let's put a little bit more light on it.

Let's go a little deeper. Let's get honest. So I think that's the sponsor's role is to shine additional light on the life of the sponsee. I think the group's role in this, because the group is not going to see or hear this person's Step 4. Step 5 is we admit to ourselves, to God, and to one other human being. Which is typically our sponsor. I don't go through my, my inventory with my wife. I don't go through my inventory with my group.

Now I can share individual things, but I'm not doing that whole inventory. So the group's role is to provide encouragement saying, hey, I didn't die. You are not gonna die. If you have a question, call me. I'm gonna put my arm around you and We're gonna walk forward and just provide that encouragement and the cheer, the cheerleading. So that's kind of how I see those 2 entities in this process.

Tara McCausland: Maybe final question as we're still talking about those struggling with addiction. How did you bring God into that process, the God of your understanding, and how did that help?

Justin B.: Yeah, so step 4 follows step 3 for a reason. Step 4 is me putting into action my step 3 decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God. And it's a huge test of faith to say, okay, God, I'm yours. Carry me through this because this is super scary. So it's vital for me, one, to practice my step 3 in that process, and 2, to trust that God will carry me through. I think that, and this is me making a generalization, but I think it's pretty accurate.

I think that most people that don't finish their step 4, it's a step 3 issue. I don't trust God. I need to go back and trust God so that I can address these things. The excuse of I don't have enough time, the excuse of this is making me feel bad about myself. There's another one that I, that I missed. It's making me feel bad about myself. Well, okay, let's not go into shame, but let's look at things honestly and see where I need to change so I don't feel bad about myself.

So that's, I think that's, I hope that answers that question.

Tara McCausland: I think oftentimes we, we don't wanna see our whole self because we're, we are afraid of what we're going to find. If we haven't really worked steps 1 through 3, then we may then think, whatever I find, if, if it's too scary, if it's too dark, then maybe I'm not lovable. Maybe I am not enough. Maybe I am irreparable, so to speak, right? And so I think that, yeah, having, if you've really done your steps 1 through 3 and you lean into that trust in a God that you may still not fully know or understand, none of us do, but trust that, that he'll bring you through this.

I think that's so key. So I appreciate you bringing that up. So I wanted to address the betrayed partner. Now this gets tricky because first let's, let's talk about the barrier of trauma itself. Not all betrayed partners experience trauma, but the stats say that upwards of 70% do experience betrayal trauma as a result of their partner's hidden addictive behaviors. So what is trauma? Well, I'm not an expert, but it, it really does injure the brain. And if you'd like to go back and listen to the episode with Kaylee Dunn or Jake Porter and consider step work then for the partner with that lens.

Because someone in acute trauma can't even access the parts of the brain that are required to do this kind of rigorous work. They're in, they're in fight or flight mode. And so my heart really goes out to a newcomer who steps into a room of recovery and they're on step 4. And this person's like, I've been victimized. I've been hurt by my spouse. Why in the world am I being asked to do this kind of work? So I like to liken it to being hit while you're driving.

And Roy Kim and Jill Manning also use this metaphor, which I think is helpful for betrayed partners. So imagine you've been hit, no fault of your own. You were injured by someone else's dangerous driving and you have several broken bones and you're hospitalized for several weeks so that your body can stabilize and get some strength back. So again, this wasn't your fault. But it doesn't absolve you of having to eventually do the rigorous physical therapy to get back, you know, full function, to be able to walk again, right?

So for a betrayed partner, if you imagine a betrayal trauma injury to the brain, you might have to wait for your body and your brain to heal a bit and to get enough safety in order to start doing step 4 work and beyond. And so I've heard some people say, I work steps 1 through 3 on repeat until I feel safe enough and stable enough and able to really move in this direction because it's challenging. Did you have any comment on that?

Justin B.: I think the comment that I have, I'm gonna take it from the addict's perspective and invite the betrayed to try and put themselves in these shoes because I think they're similar, but I would never make the assumption that this is how you feel. Many addicts, myself included, underwent a very traumatic experience in their youth, and I can point to one when I was 10, maybe 11 years old that cemented my addiction. And I was a victim in that instance.

I was powerless over the thing that happened to me. And that trauma, while I can't blame everything on that, that's where my addiction did cement. And I didn't seek help. I didn't seek anything at that point. I just put my head in the sand and went through life all of a sudden becoming a wrecking ball to those around me. Now, as I did my step 4 on that event, I had to look at where was I wrong?

Was I wrong when I was 10 or 11 and that happened to me? I can't say that I was, I can't point a finger at, hey, I was wrong there. Where was I wrong? What do I need to fix? I need to fix all of those relationships that stemmed from that, that I perpetuated this From there. So I can't own that one instance, but I can own everything that I did after that, that hurt others because of the way I responded from that situation.

And so what I'm trying to say here is you who are a betrayed partner, perhaps there was nothing that you did wrong to experience the initial betrayal trauma, but what are you perpetuating from that point that you do have responsibility in moving forward? So my thoughts on that are there. I know it's a very sensitive area and there's going to be people that might say, no, you, you don't understand. And I may not, but that's my thoughts and my experience on it.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. I appreciate you bringing up the trauma for those struggling with addiction because it is often trauma that is the precursor for addictive behaviors. That's an important point to bring up. I think when we're considering the experience of the betrayed partner, We're talking about acute, fresh trauma that can make the working of the steps really challenging initially, because again, if the brain doesn't have the safety and stability, we need the brain to be online in order to do some of this hard work.

Where there is acute, fresh trauma, they are going to have some limitations in their ability to do some of this work. But, and again, I think Jill Manning does a really good job of talking about we all have work to do. And just because it was the actions and behaviors of others that initially brought you into the rooms of recovery, to therapy, there's still work to be done. So I think recognizing that trauma is going to be a barrier for some, we can be sensitive to ourselves in acknowledging the injury, acknowledging the limitations.

How a group might help is if they have a newcomer and they're going over Step 4, then group members can help a newcomer understand that the ultimate goal is to start working these corrective steps, but it may not be the time for them yet to be patient with themselves. Healing is a journey. And as they, they start this process to take it slowly and to again, be cognizant of where people are at on their healing path. Right.

And I also just wanted to, because of my experience as the daughter of an addict and also watching my mom work through some of this stuff, you know, she wrote a book, What Can I Do About Me? And she really has emphasized that things didn't really start to change for her until she started looking at herself. When you hear her talk, she, she recognized that she was doing things that were contributing, that were maybe enabling or causing some resentment in the relationship that were kind of fueling the fire of addiction.

There were things she could do differently so that it did help shift some of the dynamics. So I would encourage people to look at her book, What Can I Do About Me? You can find it on slalifeline.org and hear her journey of trying to fix my father to essentially surrendering him and then looking at herself. And that's when things started changing. So if, if one of your barriers is this isn't my stuff, I might encourage you to talk to other women who have worked the program for a while.

And there you'll find out that. There is a lot of empowerment in looking at ourselves and step 4 is the beginning of that, painful as it is.

Justin B.: I think the, what you shared there about your mom, Ril, and her recognizing those things, and that does not, it's such sensitive ground to trot on there, you know? Yeah. But I'll speak from experience with my wife and I, when she did a thorough and searching and honest step 4 on herself, which was way before I ever did one on myself. Her healing accelerated massively. And that was one of the things that made me go, I think I want what she has.

And eventually started Working Recovery. I think it's a very powerful point that you made there.

Tara McCausland: So to end, in our SAL book, page 89, there's a great reading about accepting pain as a pathway to progress, because as we were talking at the beginning of this, This is, this is painful. It's hard to, to see ourselves, all the good, all the bad, and be able to move through that in a positive way. But I believe that, that truth and awareness really is our starting point to true healing. So I just wanted to read, maybe I'll read this first paragraph and then you can read the second, Justin.

Before coming to recovery, we may have spent much of our lives trying to avoid pain. Our identities may have been built upon pursuing success, achievement, and titles, power and position. We felt worthy when validated by others or through attaining financial security. We likely worked hard to avoid conflict and maintain outward appearances. We were content skating on the surface of life. We became efficient at burying the deep longings of our hearts, but when rock bottom shattered our facades, these longings demanded to be heard.

Justin B.: The next paragraph reads, we come to recovery to find healing and, and soon learn that applying the principles of the recovery puzzle means consciously digging into pain we have unconsciously been running from. Additionally, 12-step work and qualified therapy begin to uncover our character defects, especially those related to our addiction or trauma. We become aware of our pain-avoiding behaviors, And the belief systems that fuel them. Although this may initially feel painful and discouraging, we quickly find hope that the God of our understanding can remove this heavy burden with our permission.

We come to realize how desperate our previous pursuits have been. We learned that in order to heal, we must stop avoiding our pain. And I want to kind of summarize that last paragraph in 2 phrases real quick. Yeah. If life is easy, if recovery is easy, I'm doing something wrong. If I am uncomfortable, I'm likely doing it right. So I need to step into the uncomfort, embrace the, as the Navy SEALs say, and a little bit crude, embrace the suck because that's where growth happens.

That's where recovery happens.

Tara McCausland: Yeah. So to our listeners, we encourage you, if you are on this trajectory of healing and you're kind of stuck at step 3, don't be afraid. I wanted to maybe even just share this, this quote for our Harry Potter fans listening. If you recall an interaction between Harry and his godfather, Sirius Black, at this point of the story, Harry is really concerned about some of the things that are happening to him, some of the feelings he's experiencing.

within himself. And he's explaining this to Sirius and Sirius says to him, we've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. So if we can embrace the fact that that's, we all have the light and the darkness and step 4 will help us see the bright spots, the dark spots and accept them. And that I believe will help us embrace the light and move forward in a positive way.

Justin B.: I love that quote. And it brings to mind another quote of, of somebody in a different genre. Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote The Gulag Archipelago about being a prisoner in the Soviet gulags, and he wrote this phrase that really speaks to me. The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either, but right through every human heart. And through all human hearts, this line shifts inside us. It oscillates with the years, and even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained.

And I think it's so vital to look at that. Even if I think I'm just this evil person, there is a sliver of good that can, if looked at and light shone on, will overwhelm the evil and that heart can become good.

Tara McCausland: Awesome. With that, thank you to our listeners for being here with us. We'll catch you next time.

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