Q&A – Discovery Day – How did you cope in the first 24 hours?

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm Tara McCausland and happy to have here with me first, my co-host, Justin B. Welcome, Justin.

Justin B.: Thank you, Tara. Happy to be here.

Tara McCausland: And a very special guest, Heather B, who happens to be Justin's wife. So glad you're here with us. Thanks for being here, Heather.

Heather B.: Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

Tara McCausland: As we were getting going, I said to Heather that it, it's a treat to actually hear the other side of this. We get to hear a lot from Justin, but there's always another side of the story when there is a marriage involved. Right. So today for our Q&A, we are going to discuss the question, Discovery Day. How does one cope after discovery? And we often like to call this D-Day. In the 12-step world. But right out the gate, Heather, what are your initial thoughts about Discovery Day for you?

And what was the next 24 hours like? How did you react?

Heather B.: So I guess a little background. We'd been married about 10 years. I was pregnant with my last child and Justin came to me and told me about his addiction and he'd been meeting with an ecclesiastical leader. And so I knew something was wrong, something was off, but I didn't know what it was anyway. And so when he told me, It was actually 17 years ago on July 3rd. I still remember the day. I had lots of anger and it went straight to the enemy, as I refer to him in my religious beliefs and my spirituality, and that the enemy was trying to destroy my family.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and very broken home and felt like that he was trying to destroy what I had just created with my own family, cuz I really worked hard to try to create a different family for my family. And so I was really angry at him and angry at my husband, but for whatever reason, more of the anger just like reared towards the enemy. I, I can't explain it. That's just how it happened.

And so the next 24 hours, a lot of crying again. I was pregnant, so that probably flowed really easy. Lots of prayer. I found myself in my closet a lot praying. I'm just kind of putting my kids, like, get them settled. I had 3 other kids and a baby, and so I would just get them settled and then I'd just go back to my closet and cry and just talk to God and just beg to know what to do next.

'Cause I really just didn't know what to do. I was at a loss. And it was a surprise. But it also made sense, like all these things that had happened in our marriage and things that just suddenly made sense too. So it, it was a weird mix of emotion. Mm-hmm. In those first 24 hours, I will say God answered those prayers in the first 24. I bizarrely enough had a friend just show up randomly at my house who had moved out of our city limits a little bit.

So she was far away, so she just randomly showed up. And she came to my house and she could tell something was wrong. I was really trying to hold it in. And she finally just asked me, what is going on? What, you know? And I really did feel like God said, tell her. And so I did. And it was so interesting because immediately she goes, oh, my brother, he struggles with the same thing. And she was like, she just gave me a hug, started like holding me and just, anyway, it, it was so what I needed.

I felt like That relieved a little bit just to have one other person know and just love me for that moment. So yeah, that was my first 24.

Tara McCausland: Well, what I'm impressed by is, you know, that anger could easily just all be directed toward Justin or toward even God, right? But what I see as being remarkable in that is that rather than in that moment turning away from the God of your understanding, you turn toward Him even more. Yeah. And what do you feel like gave you the bandwidth to do that rather than turning away?

Heather B.: For me, I think I'd had some other experiences in life. You know, again, I came from a broken home. I had been in some abusive relationships as a teenager, and I had found many times a connection with God and just going to God during those times when I felt there was no other place to go. And so I think for me in that moment, I felt like there was no other place to go. I, I couldn't go to my parents.

I knew if I went to my parents, it was gonna be, you need to leave him, you need to pack up. I couldn't go to friends because suddenly I was gonna have judgment. He was gonna have judgment. I couldn't go to my in-laws. They had no idea. You know, I just suddenly found myself completely and utterly alone. Yeah. Alone. The only place I could go to was someone that had a greater power outside of me, and that was God.

Now, that's not to say later there were some times when I was like, oh, I totally deserved this because I was a horrible teenager and I had made horrible choices as a teen. You know, like there was some things, of course I married an addict cuz I'm worthless and this is what I do. Mm-hmm. My picker's broken. You know, like I had those moments. I did have moments where I was angry at God, like, why didn't you tell me this?

Why didn't I know this? I've been married for 10 years. How could I not know this? I mean, not to say those things didn't come, and it's that roller coaster of emotion. Right. But I can say within the first 24, that is just immediately what the anger that came out was. I know everyone's is different, but for me, that was my experience. And I just knew a higher power than me could fix this, not anybody else. There was nobody that could fix this because I'd been married for 10 years and had no idea, and obviously no one else knew.

So God's the only one to go to at this point.

Tara McCausland: I felt like that makes sense. And everybody's reaction is going to be so unique, right? Yeah. But do you think you would've been brave enough to tell someone had your friend not shown up that day? Like in a brief period of time, would you have been brave enough to tell somebody?

Heather B.: I don't think so. No, I think God put her there in that just in that moment to let me know I was not alone, that there were other people who had experienced because in the moment I felt completely and utterly alone, like nobody else is married to a sex addict at this moment. Like it just felt like I was the only one, and I was the only one finding out that my I'd married someone and I didn't realize I knew them.

You know, all these things were going through my head, but to have someone tell me, oh, my brother struggles with this, and I love my brother, and I'm not judging your husband, and I'm not— it's not going to change my opinion of your husband. I mean, she even said that to me because that was my biggest fear, was I just didn't want to— I don't know, it's the weirdest thing. You feel this judgment immediately, like, I can't tell anyone because if I tell someone that I'm married to someone who does this, then I'm a horrible person too.

Like, it's this weird thing that you take on, and the worry suddenly— like, I remember thinking, oh my gosh, no one's ever gonna let me babysit their kids. If anyone ever finds out these things. But she was able to say to me, I love you and I love your husband. And just know you can, it's, you can get help. It was like God telling me, okay, it's gonna be okay. Like there's a road ahead. Hmm. And there's stuff out there.

And, and he did, he just guided me. Those prayers were immediately answered. I feel like it, it, it was a slow road, but I felt like that immediate, like, it's gonna be okay. Now when she left, you know, I fell apart again, you know, but It's that roller coaster and it's totally normal.

Tara McCausland: Justin, you're, you're hanging out here with us quietly, but do you have any thoughts you wanna share about your experience watching your wife go through that? What was going through your head at that point?

Justin B.: You know, I, I remember feeling a lot of fear, shame, wanting to fix it. I wanna fix this. I, I'm a fixer. I want to fix this so that she feels better and she feels better today. I want it to be done today and I'm gonna change everything right now and make it all better. And I honestly did try. I honestly did try to make everything better, to be better, to change totally. And over several more years before I ever set foot in, in a room of recovery, I kept trying harder and different and harder and things just to change things up.

Now, Heather, and I'll let her tell this, but I want to say this, I am so grateful. Yeah. that she sought help and she had the courage to connect. And maybe it was because she felt all alone and she heard that there were others and could meet with them. And I'll let her tell that. But that has been a huge difference in my own recovery, even though I didn't take action on it for many years after that.

But it's such an example to me. But, you know, that's, that's kind of my memory of it is I wanted to get in and fix it and make it all right and prove that Even though I've done all these horrible things and I've not been honest and I, I'm gonna fix it.

Heather B.: Well, and one thing I do remember is he was shocked that I was so angry. And that to me was like shocking. Like I was like, wait, what? Because really, truly, the enemy is so good at saying this addiction only is hurting you or isn't hurting you. It's not hurting anyone else. No one knows about it. It's like such a secret and such a hidden thing and I feel like sometimes, you know, drugs and alcohol addictions, you know, when people have those addictions, it, it's a visual thing.

So it's like you can point to something and say, see what this is doing to you. You're dying, you're sick. And with this addiction, it was, it's, and probably with gambling, other addictions, it's really hard to point to and say, you're sick. You know, like there's something going on. And so when I was so angry, Mm-hmm. And I told him I was angry. I said, I'm angry at you and I'm angry at the enemy right now.

And he was so shocked, like, why are you angry? And so I just remember thinking, oh my gosh, there's such a disconnect right now between us of this whole experience. But that was the beginning of my learning of what addiction truly is and what it looks like and how the enemy is so good at helping addicts believe the lies they tell themselves. So. Yeah.

Justin B.: Yeah, Heather, thank you for reminding me of that. The disconnect in, in the addict brain is very real. Hey, I'm only hurting myself, or I'm protecting somebody else by not divulging this. And that blank spot, that mental blank spot still exists. Just in the last couple of weeks, she and I had a thing where she said, hey, how do you make that connection happen? How does that even work in your head? And it's like, it's not there.

I don't even think about that. It doesn't cross my mind. And so I continue. Yeah. years later still to sometimes step on her toes, to sometimes hurt her without that thought of, of even, is this going to hurt my wife? And, and I don't say this to justify it. It just doesn't connect. So it's okay. No, there's, there's something broke in my head. There's something broken there. And only a power greater than myself can resolve that.

Tara McCausland: So maybe my final question is for other spouses of individuals who are addicts. What would you recommend if, if you were just talking to a woman who's just had her D-Day? What would you tell her? What suggestions would you make to her as she's starting this rocky, this rocky path?

Heather B.: Probably the first thing I would say is you're not alone. Just know that. I know it's very lonely, but you're not. I always encourage to go to a meeting, whether it's, you know, SAL is where I go currently now, and that's where I would encourage them to go. But I— any anon, Al-Anon, whatever, some kind of meeting and prayer, having honest prayer with, with their higher power, whoever that may be for them or whatever that may look like for them.

But honest prayer is something that I have really come to connect with. I used to feel like I had to say things in a certain way or God wasn't gonna hear me or answer me if I didn't like give it in a certain formula or only giving gratitude and not complaining too much or, or asking for too much stuff. And if anything in recovery, I've learned that I could go to God and say, I am so angry right now that I am married to an addict.

I'm so angry that this is happening. I'm so sad. I'm mourning this. I don't know what to do with these emotions. Like totally have that conversation with God because he already knew that. I, I bizarrely somehow thought, oh, I can hide all this from him. But He can take it and He will listen and answer and comfort and guide. And really, truly just taking it one day at a time, 'cause it can be like a fire hose.

Suddenly you get all this information, books, stuff to read. And really, truly, that's what I'm always like, prayer and going to meetings. Just keep praying and just keep going to meetings. Just go, just go, just go, just go until you start feeling comfortable. And then, you know, then little baby steps, get a, you know, sponsor maybe, or start reading the materials more or whatever. Yeah. whatever, you know, just little baby steps. Because that was, that was me.

I just started going to meetings, like, just kept going and reading the material and praying. And that was my beginning. And so really just being patient with yourself and giving it time.

Tara McCausland: Well, this has been so fun to speak with the two of you together. Thank you so much to our listeners for being here. We're going to wrap up this Q&A. We'll see you next time.

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