Step 11 – God, Give Me the Words w/ Allison T

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families. Hey, Justin B.

Justin B.: here. Before we get started on this really cool conversation about Step 11, I want to give you some great news about some upcoming and exciting events with SA Lifeline Foundation as well as with SAL 12 Step. First, for SA Lifeline Foundation, you are cordially invited to the Light the Way Pathway to Hope and Healing benefit dinner in which there will be a keynote speaker, Joseph Grenny, who is a 4-time New York Times bestselling author and co-wrote Crucial Conversations and co-founded the Otherside Academy and the Otherside Village.

Both are transformative peer-run communities. If you would like to participate in that, you can go to salifeline.org and get registered for that. Also on the SAL 12-step side of things, there is a conference coming up on April 26th, 2025 at Utah Valley University in Orem, Utah. And this is a— the first annual conference that is solely for SAL 12-step. One of the cool things about this is the new SAL book will be available at the 12-step conference, and you can buy it at a discounted rate at the event.

You can register or at least get pre-registered at sal12step.org. This is an in-person only conference, so you will want to make every effort possible to get there in person. Things will be recorded and released later in the digital library. Also, on the note of the digital library, there are 3 new releases in that library. Here are what they are. It's Dr. Jill Manning's presentation on Snooping, Dr. Eddie Capparucci's presentation on Healing the Inner Child, And Rill and Stephen Croshaw's presentation on the Circle Model of Marriage.

So follow through on each of these things. Come check out the benefit dinner, the conference for SAL 12-step, and the additional resources on the Digital Recovery Library. All of this can be found at salifeline.org and sal12step.org. Now here we go with this really cool conversation I had with Allison. Welcome to the Pathway to Recovery Podcast. I'm Justin B. I am gratefully living in the miracle of recovery one day at a time, and I'm a grateful member of SAL 12-step and a supporter of SA Lifeline Foundation.

And I'm grateful to be here as the host of this podcast with Allison T., who was previously a guest on this podcast back in August of 2023 when she spoke on Her experience developing a willing heart as a betrayed spouse. Allison, why don't you just take a minute, remind us who you are and a little bit about why you're in the rooms of SAL?

Allison T: Sure. Thanks, Justin. I'm glad to be here. Really started SAL in the end of 2020. I think that was a hard year for many people. I had dabbled in Esenon a few years before, but hadn't fully committed, hadn't Gotten a sponsor, and so really it's been about four, four and a half years that I've been with SAL. What brought me to SAL twelve step was, like I said, I'd been to other twelve step groups, and I felt hesitant to come back because I didn't want to keep dwelling on these things.

It felt heavy, and. Really what happened in 2020 was just, I hit my rock bottom. I said, I can't keep going through this roller coaster. In my case, it was my husband's sexual addiction that brought me there, but really just my realization that I needed help for myself, and it didn't matter how my meeting attendance affected my family or my other obligations or my spouse. I needed it. I really needed it. I've loved ever since then, all the associations, and I just haven't felt a reason to leave.

It has been such a blessing to go and to be able to be honest with other women in recovery and to be able to work the program in all aspects of my life.

Justin B.: Thank you for sharing that, Allison. And I love what you said. And we'll get into what this conversation is going to be about here in a minute. But I want to go a little bit more into what you just said there. You said, Back before 2020, I dabbled a little bit in recovery, but I wasn't serious about it. Tell us a little bit about the difference between dabbling in and going in with full intention and how that's manifested in your life and in your recovery.

Allison T: So finding a meeting time that worked for me that was reliable was really important to be able to go every week. And online meetings have been A blessing for me because I am more able. With young kids before, I think I stopped going when I had a baby, which makes sense, right? Life gets busy. And so that was really impactful to find a time that I could go every single week. I jumped in. So I think I texted someone that same meeting.

I wrote down some names. I got the phone list. I said, she was at the meeting. I think I'll text her because I connected with her. And since then, we've gotten better in our groups about having newcomer welcomers. But in that case, our group hadn't set that up yet. So no one reached out to me. I just was in it and I said, these are gonna be my new friends in recovery. And so I think, like I said, that rock bottom situation put me in that place where I was willing to try anything and reach out to anyone.

Yeah.

Justin B.: And it's made all the difference as you've been willing to do anything and do what is necessary, right?

Allison T: Oh yeah. And to have communication, to have people that I know if I'm not at a meeting, they're going to say, hey, where were you? Why weren't you at our meeting? Whereas before I felt like just a visitor and this is my meeting.

Justin B.: Isn't that so cool to have that type of fellowship grow up around us that, that just becomes more meaningful than almost any other relationship we've had? Yeah. So cool. Yeah. All right. So Allison, the reason why you and I are talking again is, as many who have been following along in this series, we're going through each of the 12 steps of recovery and having a person share about each of the individual steps. And we are at step 11.

We're getting close to the end here. And your name was brought to my attention as somebody who would be a great person to talk about step 11. And so I reached out to you and you said, yeah, let's do this. So what I'd like to do first is let's just take a quick run through how you took the steps up until step 11, and then we'll pause there and then we'll dive into that. So talk to me about your experience in taking the steps up till that point.

Allison T: Sure. What I did with all of the steps, I think many people do this, but I journaled a lot about each step. So I went through all of the questions in the book. I went all of the readings in our SNL 12 Steps book, and I just journaled pages and pages in my journal answering each question. So steps 1, 2, and 3 beyond journaling in my life looked a lot like surrendering, finding those things in my life that at the beginning it was all around my husband's addiction.

Been finding all of those triggers and Finding ways to surrender them to my higher power, recognizing like, this is making me crazy. What do I need to let go here? What do I need to counsel with God about and figure out what boundaries I need? And then what do I need to surrender? So that's step 1, 2, and 3. And in each of these, I talked to my sponsor. But with step 2, I did a little more work because I had some experiences with people in authority, and especially at church where people didn't have the resources to help me with recovery.

And I didn't feel like God knew how to help me in recovery. When I came into SAL, I believed in God and I had my relationship with God at church. And then I didn't really feel like God could be in my recovery. I felt like I was leaving God to go do some recovery work. And so Step 2 was really helpful to bring God into recovery and to change the way I viewed my higher power. Step 4 for me was a spreadsheet looking at a lot of relationships and what caused the turmoil in those relationships, my part and what was not my part.

And then bringing that to my sponsor was Step 5. Which was just such an empowering experience to be vulnerable with someone and for that person to say, okay, I think God can work with that, rather than horrified or, oh, of course you're not that way. So that's a real blessing of recovery. And then my Step 4 list helped me with my amends list because those were The same. And that was really good cuz I think there were some people on that list that I might've thought, well, I don't need to make amends to them.

It was just awkward with them, or we just didn't have a good relationship. And I really did consider everyone on my Step 4 list and found a way to either make a living amends or write a letter or get in touch with them in some way. And then step 10 is like all those steps. And what I love about step 10 is that all I have to think about is like the last 24 hours and maybe the next 24 hours, right?

And I can look at my day and it doesn't have to feel huge. It's just like, I, I wasn't truly the way I wanted to be today. And what can I do? Tomorrow? Are there any boundaries I need to set for myself? And yeah, and then we're at step 11, which is conscious contact with God. And I'm excited to talk about that today.

Justin B.: Yeah, and I'm excited to get there too. I'd like to go back and ask you a question based on something you said in step 5, if you're okay with that, before we get in here. Sure. You said something like, after you shared it with your sponsor, you were relieved that one, she wasn't horrified. But 2, she didn't say, hey, you aren't that way. Lighten up. Talk to me about the importance of both honesty, but also the importance of, hey, I still love you.

Even if these things happen, I'm not rejecting you.

Allison T: Yeah, because I came from a very sweet family who was very concerned. I grew up very concerned about other people's emotions. And sometimes I feel like that came Out on top of honesty. Well, we can't say that because we wouldn't want them to feel bad, or what might they think? Might they get down on themselves? That was honestly a big part of my step 4 was I'm not super honest. I need to work on that. And to have the acknowledgement of that without the shame and guilt.

Yeah. Helped me to move forward, to say, yeah, you are that way, sure, but you don't have to stay that way. And actually, my sponsor had me— I wrote down a list of my defects and then found the opposite word for each of those. And that was a really cool exercise to think, well, what is the opposite of— well, dishonesty is honesty. That one's easy, right? But lots of other things like, what's the opposite of self-criticism?

Is it self-love? That was a really powerful exercise for me.

Justin B.: Thank you for walking through that. I really appreciate it. I think that there's some value in us going back to that and talking about that for others who may be looking at Step 4 or 5 as an exercise of maybe self-flagellation, but also at the same time, No, I'm really not this bad. I'm really not this person. Well, let's be honest with it. So now, like you said, we are at step 11. And what I'd like to do is I'm going to start reading the 12 steps of SAL, and Allison and I are going to switch off every other step.

Why don't you start on step 1, Allison, and then I'll do step 2, and we'll just swap off.

Allison T: Okay. 1, we admitted we were powerless over sexual addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.

Justin B.: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Allison T: 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Justin B.: 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Allison T: 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Justin B.: 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Allison T: 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8.

Justin B.: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Allison T: 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10.

Justin B.: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Allison T: 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Justin B.: Okay, let's pause there and we'll do Step 12 when we get to the Step 12 episode. Allison, as you look at Step 11 there, what jumps out at you in the principles there and in the words that are listed in that step?

Allison T: I love the phrase improve our conscious contact with God because There's room for growth for everyone there. I came with a relationship with God. I came with contact with God, yet I wouldn't say it was always very conscious. It was just whenever I need it. And so that daily conscious contact has helped me keep working my steps, and I'm still working to improve it, and I hope I'll always try to improve it.

Justin B.: Yeah. And what does that look like in practice with you right now? How does that look like a day-by-day improvement of that conscious contact?

Allison T: Yeah, it's fun to reflect back on it because times and seasons change. And sometimes in a busy phase of life, my conscious contact with God is not always sitting down Or kneeling down, however I pray, with my eyes closed, just quiet. Sometimes, actually, my car is a very common place for conscious contact with God. Well, I'm driving and I can just talk. But then other times, especially when I'm triggered, when I'm in a bad place, I need that quiet.

I need that retreat somewhere else to go and to really be. Yeah. fully honest and fully there with God. That's what I love about it is that I think it says it in our reading somewhere that prayer doesn't have to look a certain way. And when we came into SAL, we might've had these ideas of exactly how prayer looks. And for me, that's been changed as I've heard people talk about two-way prayer, for instance, which I've tried a little bit and is a lot more journaling.

And trying to journal what my prayer is and then what I think God is speaking back to me. So that's really been huge for me to be flexible with how that looks. Yeah.

Justin B.: Thanks for going into that. And I love all the different ways that you find connection with God. And I love that idea of making the car a place of prayer. I speak for myself here. So often when I get in the car, I either, well, put in the earbuds and listen to a podcast or some music, or I turn on the radio. I'm numb. I'm not really present, but there are times when I just go, you know what?

I need this quiet time with God and I can sit there and talk. So talk to me a little bit about the power of doing that, making the car a place of prayer rather than a place of numbing out and just disappearing, getting one place to another.

Allison T: Yeah, for sure. And you made me laugh because I have family members that are reading a book series right now and we're listening to it and I'm way behind because I'm not putting in that time. And so they're like, when are you going to finish? When I get in the car, I usually think I need God first and then I can go to my audiobook. I'll say a prayer first in the car and sometimes it's short or I have a recovery friend introduced me to an app.

It's a meditation app. Yeah. And you can set a timer on there and it just plays whatever sound or no sound, whatever soothing sound you'd like for whatever time. Mine's often 5 minutes. And then the bell will ding and sometimes I'll keep praying and sometimes I say, you know what, that's good for today. But that helps me to put it first. If I'm like, oh, it's a really good part of my book, I say, I'm going to give my higher power 5 minutes.

I can do that. And then it feels a little bit more like a relationship because I was before just like, well, talk to God once a day or whenever I eat, very structured in my prayers. And this is more like a conversation. And if I have to go, if it's been 5 minutes and I'm just leaving a friend for a little bit, I'm gonna resume that conversation later. Yeah.

Justin B.: I like that. All right. So what I'd like to do is start at the beginning of Step 11 and go through this phrase by phrase a little bit. We sought through prayer and meditation. Allison, in your experience, tell me about prayer and meditation and how they coincide, how they're different, and what it means to you.

Allison T: So I grew up in a religious family with a tradition of prayer. And one of the questions in the Essanon book is about role models for prayer. And so I wrote about that, how for me, prayer looked like kneeling down. I even remember a conversation in church where some teacher said, well, you can't, you can pray on your bed. Like you don't have to kneel next to your bed. You can pray in your bed. And a few minutes later, they were teasing that teacher and they said, oh, she thinks you can just pray in your bed.

You don't have to kneel on the side of your bed. And so I had these rules in my mind. You know, you can't pray in your bed. You have to be on the side of your bed. And I, of course, had lots of prayers growing up. I would say no meditation. I wasn't taught that at all. So combining those 2 has been powerful and still is in line with my beliefs because For me, I think it says it in step 11 in practicing these principles.

It says meditation is often thought of simply as getting quiet enough to hear what has been described as the still small voice of God. And if I'm in a conversation, I'm going to do some listening. And so sometimes I'll even put the prayer and meditation next to each other, or if I'm praying, I don't worry if my mind's slipping off a little bit and maybe I'm not talking the whole time. Often after I end a prayer, I'll just sit and wait for a bit and listen.

And that is something I don't think I was really taught. That's been a blessing of the program.

Justin B.: Yeah, that was my experience too. I pray, I say amen, and I'm feeding my face. I'm getting in bed. I'm Whatever the next thing is, I don't pause for anything. Amen means get into action rather than listen. And that's been a massive change in my own prayer and meditation life is the listening part. Prayer is the talking to God. Meditation is the listening to God and trying to hear that voice, like you said, described as the still small voice.

Do you have any experiences that you feel comfortable sharing that you have had while listening after a heartfelt prayer?

Allison T: I have one experience. It's a little more general, but it was while I was working Step 11 actively. And I think for me, it illustrates the power of Step 11. So I think it was about 2 years ago, I was in a church meeting and I'm self-employed as a music teacher. I just teach private lessons. And in this meeting, I had this thought. It was, stop teaching lessons. And I thought, huh. And I went and talked to someone about it.

I said, hey, I was thinking maybe I might just stop teaching lessons. And they said, well, that'd be really crazy to just go cold turkey and stop. And I was like, oh yeah, that would be. And so I tried to cut back on some lessons. It was really hard. It didn't really work. It's hard to do that. Yeah. And then about 9 months ago, I'd probably been working Step 11 and really working on improving my relationship with God.

And I was in another meeting and the same thought came. And I said, you know what? That's really scary. I had that first voice of stop teaching lessons. And then I talked to my sponsor about it and we talked about this first voice. Mm-hmm. And then the second voice, and the second voice was like, that would be way hard to end that cold turkey. What would you do without that money? Like, would you be okay with that?

How would you keep busy? Would you hate that? Would you regret it? And I realized because of slowing down and because I kept sitting there with it instead of like, oh, I'll just tuck that away and get back to life. those minutes of meditation, of sitting with it and thinking, well, which voice am I going to listen to? I chose to listen to that first voice. And that's been huge. That's totally changed my daily life. And I like that because it was God's way of teaching me what really happens when I listen.

Justin B.: And as your daily life has changed, Based on your following of this guidance, how has your relationship with or interaction with your higher power changed and improved during those maybe more free moments that you have? And also, how has your interaction with your family changed?

Allison T: Yeah, yeah. When I told people I was going to stop this, it was mind-boggling to them that I didn't have a filler plan. they'd say, well, what are you gonna do now? I'd say, well, I don't know. I think I might just walk to pick up my kids from school and do more of that. I don't know what I'm gonna do. And, um, my experience has been that God has filled that time. Honestly, I worked recovery before, but becoming a sponsor also helped me see that not all of the time For me, needs to be filled.

I don't want to necessarily function only off of to-do lists. I want to have time that if someone calls me or says, hey, can you talk right now? I'm not going to say, well, I can talk in 3 days at 5 PM. And so that was eye-opening to me. And so I feel like God was already pushing me towards a little bit more flexibility with my time. Yeah. And not to say that it's that way for everyone, but for me, it's felt like I'm able to give God more of a blank slate or a little bit more cleared of a slate rather than like, it's pretty full.

So maybe you can like squeeze something in there, God. Um, if it's really important.

Justin B.: Man, that's so powerful. And my experience, at least over the last year, probably in my thing is God is putting more on my plate than I think I could ever handle. And, but he's making it possible. I believe my conscious contact with him is improving in this because I'm absolutely relying on him. I don't know how this is going to work out. It's got to be you and it works out. And that's where my trust is being built.

So as you said, it could be different for everybody. Just God might not always say, hey, Cut back. He may say, well, get busy. And he may say, you know what, you're doing great. Let's develop what you're doing right now. Any other thoughts on that?

Allison T: Yeah, I think for me, God works with me when I'm uncomfortable. And for me, stillness is actually really uncomfortable. When I was in college, I, um, got a signature permission to take more than 18 credits because that's how I lived. I had goals, I had schedules, we had multiple jobs between my husband and I. And yeah, that's how we functioned. And in a way, that looked really good. But I think that's also been one of my defects, is I've heard a friend say, if you believe in an adversary, the adversary can't make you wait, he'll make you busy.

And For me, that's been a way of life that I've felt God pushing me other ways. And like you said, perhaps if it's more comfortable to be less busy, God might push us that way just to stretch and help us rely on him. That's been my experience.

Justin B.: I love that. Getting— I don't know if comfortable is the right word, but accepting uncomfortability, right? Yeah. And that's where the growth happens. So we've talked a little bit about improving our conscious contact with God as we understood him. Is there anything else in that phrase that you'd like to jump in on before we move on in step 11?

Allison T: Just as we were talking about different ways of connecting with God, I live by the mountains. And another really powerful way for me has just been to go on a hike. Go on a walk and to not plug in, just to listen and enjoy nature. And so that's just another way that as we were talking, I thought of, and that's one of the ways God speaks to me. Being outside is really powerful for me too.

Justin B.: All right. So the next phrase is one that I think so often, for me, is just an add-on to step 11, but I think it's really powerful. Praying only for knowledge of his will for us. Talk to me about why you think that's listed in Step 11, praying only for, for knowledge of his will for me. What are your thoughts?

Allison T: Yeah, I love that you said me because that's what we're encouraged to do, right? Speak in the I and me, not you or we. I do pray for other people. Of course, I talked to my sponsor about this.

Narrator: Do you not?

Allison T: Well, Does this mean I'm not supposed to pray for other people or pray for things for other people? So it's changed a little bit for me, but I do try to make sure that my prayers are connected with the idea of surrender. So I am not trying to bring other people, like, in my prayers to God and like, here, we got to take care of them, we got to take care of them. And this is really what they need.

God, don't you think this is what they need? But to find ways to pray for them that are from my heart. So rather than praying that this person can get a job, right, or that this person can change and stop being this way, I'm going to pray that this person can find their path. Because I feel like God's pretty invested in that too. But like I said, I do try to keep Rather than a laundry list of things for God, please bless them.

The way I hear my kids talk, make sure we'll have a good time, that we'll be safe. I try to keep it much more of a conversation. And so sometimes it's, hey God, I'm worried about this person and I know you've got them. Just help me feel like you've got them. Yeah.

Justin B.: I love how you went there. The praying only for knowledge of his will for me. His will for me may be that while I can't change somebody, I can help somebody. God, I'm really worried about this person. Is there anything you would like me to do? Put me into action in your way. And if there's not, I move on. But if there is, I can get into action and helping out with that because I'm praying for knowledge of his will for me.

Any other thoughts on that?

Allison T: Yeah, the only other thing I'd add is that I feel I've had a couple experiences this past year where I am asking or praying for knowledge of his will for me, and I felt God occasionally say, hey, why don't you ask for this? And it's for me, right? But it's okay for you to ask for that, like for guidance or for a little miracle in your life. And so that's something that I think, like I said, it's good to get away from that list of requests.

But then once I got away from there and tried to develop more of a relationship, I felt God say, maybe you can ask for something. Hmm. I have things I can do for you if you'd like. And so that's been my experience. I don't know if you've had any similar experiences because that I've had to grapple with, like, ah, am I asking instead of just receiving his will?

Justin B.: I love that. And yeah, I think I have. For me, in asking for myself, I'll share a real-life situation right now. I mentioned my plate has become really full over the last year or so, and it is with amazing projects that I believe God is putting in front of me to do, including stuff like this that you and I are doing. I am sitting here going, okay, God, you've put these things on my plate. How in the world is this gonna look in the end?

How in the world am I going to be able to really magnify these things for you? So please bless me with that understanding, with the pathway forward. And so far, I'm only getting tiny glimpses. It's almost nothing. And I'm like, okay, well, your will, not mine, be done. But man, I sure wish there was a little bit more there. And that's my experience with that. God will give me everything I need for today, and he won't give me anything for tomorrow.

And I think that's selfish. I'm like, come on, God, don't be so selfish. But I find that if I am, um, striving to get that power to carry it out for today, I will be granted sufficient power for today. Any other thoughts on that or feedback?

Allison T: Yeah, I think the word power too is one that doesn't jump out to me until you said that. And I think If I had, say, a friend that said, hey, can you do this for me? It's really important. And I might say, well, how would you like me to do that? Or can I have some support with that? And I think as long as it's tied in with that recovery puzzle, I've had a few times where I've asked God and I've said, hey, can I have this path made clear?

You also know that I'll take whatever path. I just feel like God knows that about me. And so I can ask for things with that caveat, with that willing heart, with that humility to say, yeah, thy will be done at the end, right?

Justin B.: How much growth, how much change has happened to where you're pretty confident that God knows you're going to follow the path that he points you in rather than doing your own path? What did that Slope look like?

Allison T: Well, when you asked that, my first thought was when I first came into SAL and to therapy, I remember searching like, or just, I think I Googled it. Like, will this help? Will this help my husband? Will this solve the problems in my life? And coming to like, well, how long do I have to go? What is our therapy plan like within this certain amount of time, it'll be done, right? So it's happened somehow in between starting recovery and now.

I had that mindset of, God, this better change. I can't keep doing this. And what I found is I think it's been the work in the 12 steps. Instead, I've realized, well, it has changed and it's been me. that's changed. It's begun with me. And so I'm never going to stay the same. I'm never going to stay stuck in this path. God and I are going to move, whether it's me changing or circumstances changing. I'm going to be learning.

And so the 12 steps, I feel, has really helped that mindset shift.

Justin B.: I love that. And I was just talking with somebody just a couple of hours ago. It wasn't a recovery conversation, but it was a change conversation. And this person told me, I didn't come to this world to stay the same. God put me here to change and to grow and to develop and not to necessarily make others change, but for me to change so that the perspective of my life changes. And that's super powerful. Talk to me a little bit more about that.

It's me that's changed rather than the world has changed.

Allison T: I heard a podcast once that used this recovery slogan of, let it begin with me. And I, I use that all the time with my kids and with my other relationships. And at first, I remember feeling lonely in recovery. Even if my husband was working recovery, I didn't feel like he was working in the same way I was working it. We weren't going to the exact same 12-step fellowship, but I, I remember it feeling painful. Yeah.

I don't wanna do all this. I'd rather have a buddy. And finding those SAL buddies has been really powerful. We speak in the I and me, but it becomes, let it begin with me. And all the people that are supporting me, right? And if it's hard one day and I am feeling lonely or I'm feeling frustrated because I feel like I'm just working and I'm in the recovery gym, God is throwing triggers at me, or just it's a hard week and I'm tired, right?

I've got those people I can talk to. But yeah, it really is powerful to just think. Let it begin with me because that's something I can do, right? Instead of my other 12-step groups, the focus sometimes was often just don't control his recovery. And so for me, having my own recovery, my own thing to work on was really powerful.

Justin B.: We're going to move to the last phrase of Step 11, and the power to carry that out. And I think we've touched on this just a little bit, but talk to me about how you have felt sufficient power in your life as you improve your conscious contact with God and how that manifests.

Allison T: I remember, I think one of my early experiences with meditation, I had just, I had something really hard. I think it was probably a conversation and I felt really hurt. And I just felt totally in trauma, like crying, triggered, alone, all of those things. And I went into a dark room. And unlike other times, years past, where I turned to God and said, are you really even there? Because this is just way too hard. This time, I just was quiet.

Wow. And I just sat. I closed my eyes and I just felt this overwhelming feeling of love from a higher power. That to me is one of the most powerful things anyone can feel. To feel like loved and adored consistently is empowering beyond belief, I think. Yeah. That to me was a huge moment to feel, even in the middle of this trauma where I felt like people that are usually there for me aren't there for me.

God was there for me. And the message was, you are loved. And that is powerful. That's— I could use that power every day.

Justin B.: That is powerful. Thank you for sharing that. You talked about And this has been referred to a couple of times in this conversation. The power of having people that either reach out to you or you reach out to in time of need. Yeah. Is the same conversation I referred to earlier, just a couple hours ago. This person said, you know what, God speaks to me through others most often. I'll ask a question and then later in the day somebody will say something that goes, well, that was God speaking.

Talk to me about, for you, the importance of having that network of people that you actually reach out to and actually reach out to you, whether it be in times of trauma or whether it be in times of, hey, I just felt I needed to reach out. Any thoughts on that?

Allison T: Yeah, whenever I talk to someone from group, especially if I feel they are in trauma or they have a question, I always say, God, give me the words. Because it's so good to be in recovery because People are dealing with things that I have no idea what the solution is. And so it's really easy to say, we got to bring God in here. God, help me know what to say. What does this person need? And sometimes it's just listening.

And sometimes I feel God just gives me the right questions to ask, and then they come to the truth themselves. And then other times I feel like God has spoken to me just by someone texting me at the right time, like someone from group. Or it's been the opposite where I have someone's name pop into my head as I'm going to bed and I think, oh, it's way too late for me to text them. But I do.

And they say, oh yeah, you were from God. I needed that message. Yeah. From him today. I think there's just something very, like I shared in that Step 5 experience with my sponsor, I think there's something very powerful about the honesty that we find in communications with group and the empathy and the listening versus other conversations where friends are trying to make each other comfortable or they're trying to make each other feel good, or they're trying to fix things, or they're just trying to have a fun conversation about what happened today, or the weather, or there's something really, truly meaningful about these relationships.

And I feel like that's taught me a lot about my relationship with God.

Justin B.: Thank you for sharing that, Allison. And I, I agree. I am one who, the natural Justin does not reach out to anybody. Because I'm a rock, I'm an island. The rock has no friends. The island never cry, or whatever the Simon and Garfunkel words are there. But being in this, in a fellowship of brothers who are walking the same path and are willing to reach out to each other has God has spoken to me and rescued me many times through this fellowship and improving conscious contact with God.

Yes. improving conscious contact with my fellows is also very important there. So I thank you for walking through that. I appreciate it. Allison, is there anything else about Step 11 that you kind of had on your heart that you feel like, hey, I want to share this, or maybe it's come to you and you're like, yeah, that needs to be shared?

Allison T: The last thing maybe I'll share is from our book. This is the SNOM 12 Steps book. And in practicing these principles, It just talks about 3 things. It says there's a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit, but when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. When I read that, I thought, well, I want an unshakable foundation for life. That sounds great.

And so I imagine these 3 pillars of self-examination, meditation, and prayer. And what I love about the steps is that I felt like I got a lot of practice at self-examination through steps 4 and 5, really being introspective. This step 11 brings those 3 pillars together where I now am being Still, I'm examining myself. I'm noticing what I'm feeling, and I'm trying to bring that to God, or I'm noticing my defects and I'm bringing that to God. So I like that image of the 3 pillars creating my foundation.

Justin B.: That is a fantastic image. I love it. So as we start winding this up, I typically ask the same questions at the end of each of the guests. What experience or words do you have to share with somebody who is new in this journey, or maybe somebody who's been there, but hasn't jumped in with both feet? And then what words of experience and advice do you have to somebody who's been around since, well, 2020, and maybe saying, you know what, I'm good?

Yeah.

Allison T: My thoughts for someone beginning the path to recovery Is, I would first say, let's go, like, start the path and see how it works for you. I remember being in that spot and I remember telling my counselor, I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and I don't like either of these paths. I just, I don't want to go anywhere. This looks miserable. And I felt like the recovery path looked miserable. But that first meeting and seeing other ladies who weren't miserable, Was really huge for me, and some of them didn't even talk about anyone's addiction.

And I thought, is that even possible? How are they not sharing about that? Is really what my thought was. And now I, I feel like I am with them. I'm there where I'm really applying these in all aspects of my life, and. That's probably the advice I'd have for someone in my shoes because I've been amazed at the different ways I can apply these steps still. Like a couple weeks ago, I had to go give a presentation to a bunch of middle schoolers and I, I was terrified and I thought, why am I so scared of these middle schoolers?

But I was able to look at my step 4. Mm-hmm. And see that, like, people-pleasing side of me, that cautious side of me, and to go back to that, well, if this is God's will, God's gonna give me the power to carry this out. So that's just a really small example, but I don't think for me I would keep these recovery habits if I didn't keep going to that meeting and socializing with these women and taking that recovery pause time, which is a meeting often to think, well, why have I learned this week with recovery?

What could I apply this to this week? So those are my thoughts for those all along the path of recovery.

Justin B.: Excellent thoughts. And it invited me to continue on the path there too. And I appreciate that. It's always good to have it reinforced and shared from other, from another perspective. Thank you so much, Allison. This has been very meaningful. It's been informative. And I think that many people will look at this or listen to this and say, huh, there's another way I can look at Step 11 and improve my conscious contact with God. I really appreciate it.

Thank you, everybody. Keep coming back because we really are recovering individuals and healing families here in SAL. Jump in with both feet.

Narrator: Thanks for joining us. We invite you to subscribe to this podcast so that you don't miss new episodes. And while you're at it, will you please leave us a 5-star rating and review to help us spread the good news that healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma is possible? We invite individuals who are struggling to join our virtual or in-person trauma-sensitive 12-step meetings. Meeting times and locations can be found at sal12step.org. You can find quality education at salifeline.org, and we hope that you will follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

SA Lifeline is a 501 nonprofit organization, and we welcome donations. SA Lifeline. Come heal with us.