Strength, Hope & Healing: The 2025 SAL Conference 12-Step Women's Panel

Narrator: This is Pathway to Recovery, an SA Lifeline Foundation podcast featuring hosts Tara McCausland, who is the SA Lifeline Executive Director, and Justin B., a sex addict living in long-term recovery. We have conversations with experts and individuals who understand the pathway to healing from sexual addiction and betrayal trauma because we believe that recovering individuals leads to the healing of families.

Tara McCausland: Hello, so glad you're here with us on the Pathway to Recovery podcast. This episode that we're sharing today is actually from our 2025 SA Lifeline Virtual Conference. It's our women's 12-step panel where they discuss the SA Lifeline recovery puzzle as well as the circle models. I think you'll really enjoy this and find a lot of wisdom and insight from the experience of these great women. But before we get started, I want to remind you that if you're interested in joining us for the virtual conference, Before we dive into that, just a couple of things.

First, I'm inviting you to attend a live recording of Pathway to Recovery podcast. This will be February 2nd. That's a Monday at 12:30 PM Mountain Time. And our special guest will be Steven Croshaw, co-founder of SA Lifeline. And we'll be having a conversation about the importance of sobriety in sex addiction recovery and what long-term recovery Stephen is my father and he has had long-term solid recovery for the last 20 years and he's worked really hard at it. So I would love for you to join us and you can ask your questions at the end of the interview and then just be a part of the recording experience.

So if you want to participate, I'm just going to invite you to reach out in 2 ways. If you go to this episode, you'll see a place where you can leave your email. Okay. Go ahead and leave your email there, and I will send you the Zoom link for that live recording. Or you can go to salifeline.org and go to our contact page and say, "Please send me the Zoom link." It should be fun. Also, we have our vision cast coming up on February ninth, and if you would like to register, please go to salifeline.org and you'll find a place where you can drop your email and you can join us to learn more about what SA Lifeline Foundation is doing in 2026.

So I hope to see you at both. events. And now to the show. Hello and welcome to our 2025 SA Lifeline Women's Panel. Uh, we're so grateful that you're here with us for this session. I'm Tara McCausland, SA Lifeline Executive Director, and I'll be moderating this discussion. But we have here with us 4 women who are working our SAL 12-step program, and they're here to share their strength, hope, and experience with you. And they all have a unique journey, a unique journey of healing, but there is a lot of wisdom that I know that they'll be able to share with you tonight.

And we'll be exploring specifically the SAL Recovery Puzzle, as well as the SAL Circle models around betrayal trauma and betrayal trauma healing. And as a reminder, the SAL Recovery Puzzle is SA Lifeline's holistic approach to healing from betrayal trauma, and sexual addiction. And it reminds us that recovery is made up of both inner heart and mind pieces, things like a willing heart, humility, accountability, seeking spiritual connection, and outer action pieces, which are seeking out qualified therapy and education, getting support through quality 12-step like SAL 12-step.

boundaries for safety and practicing the concept of surrender. And these pieces work together to help us heal and build long-term recovery. In addition, the circle models are powerful visuals that help us understand both addiction and betrayal trauma. They show the patterns and the responses that keep us often very stuck in betrayal and addiction, and they remind us what happens when we lose As we call it, we lose God as the center of our focus. And at the same time, these models show us the pathway back to peace, to serenity, turning back to the God of our understanding, to truth and connection with supportive community.

But before we dive in, I wanted to have each of our panelists briefly introduce themselves and tell us a little bit about their healing journey, how long they've been working recovery, and anything else that might be pertinent.

Madison: I'm Madison. I, um, or Maddie, I go by both. Um, I have been in recovery from betrayal trauma for 3 and a half years, and my husband has also been in recovery from his addiction for 3 and a half years. Um, and, uh, yeah, we found SAL through a therapist up in Idaho when we were First starting out in recovery, and now I'm a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of Utah in American Fork.

Jan: I'm Jan, and I came into SAL, I want to say almost 10 years ago now. I was lost and alone and really looking for something that would help me, truly help me. And SAL has been a wonderful, wonderful road of recovery for me through 12-step. It has been wonderful.

Sarah: I'm Sarah. My husband and I have been in recovery for about a year and a half, and so grateful that we were able to find SAL because it made a huge difference, made all the difference in the healing that we were able to find.

Lacey: Hi, I'm Lacey. I've been working recovery for about 7 years. And, um, I have 3 children for reference, ages 21, 17, and 15. And my husband did not choose recovery, so I am recently divorced.

Tara McCausland: Now, thank you all for introducing yourselves. So now we are going to dive into our SAL recovery puzzle, and we're going to begin by looking at the inner heart and mind pieces. How we apply these might look a little bit different for a betrayed partner than for an addict, but these pieces are all vital to healing for a betrayed partner and vital for long-term healing for both partners. So to start off, the first piece of our puzzle is at the center, this willing heart.

For you as a betrayed partner, what does having a willing heart in recovery look like?

Lacey: For me, having a willing heart means I am willing to do whatever it takes to find recovery. So when I was first introduced to SAL, I had a very specific routine, and every day I would get up in the morning and the first thing I would do was exercise with friends. And group was on a Thursday morning at 9:30, and I had to come to my friends and say, I will no longer be exercising with you on Thursday mornings.

And they were shocked because this had been like a 15-year experience for us, and they were like so concerned. But I explained to them what was happening and the important thing that I was going to learn by going to group, and I have not been back to a Thursday morning. Wow. that time since then. So it's been 7 years of me completely changing my routine in order to find recovery. So for me, that's just showing God that I have a willing heart and that I will put anything, even something that has been a routine for a significant amount of time, I will set that aside and I will make recovery the most important part of my day or my week.

Yeah. Thank you.

Sarah: Yeah, I'm really similar to Lisey. I think It, to me, having a willing heart means being open to considering or trying things that maybe I wouldn't want to try. And I think having a willing heart in my recovery has really helped me to work on myself and to focus on what I can control. Yeah, it really is right at the core of everything.

Jan: And I think for me, the willing heart, if you notice, if you look at the puzzle, Where is the willing heart, right? We mentioned that it is right in the center. And for me, my life was so chaotic, thinking of the center and being grounded in a willing heart was almost something that brought me peace. I was able to realize, almost like in physical fitness, right? I'm very physically active, so to strengthen my core gives me strength throughout my whole body.

So having Having this center, my willing heart being the center of my recovery, made all the difference in my recovery because it was the grounding force, the center that started that whole thing. Did I want to have a willing heart at first? No, I didn't. It was something that— it was a process for me, but so good. It was amazing once I realized that, and it grounded me.

Madison: I love, um, what everyone's sharing, and I feel like a willing heart— I really attribute that to my growth that I've had to have with my higher power. I would say that the willing heart piece for me was a lot of coming into recovery and being willing to trust my higher power again. That was a very big process for me. of— because, um, you know, as a betrayed spouse, a lot of the trust gets shattered in so many aspects.

And so being able to trust my higher power again looked like, honestly, at first, not having a softened heart, but having a heart that was interested in challenging the idea that life would only be hopeless after Um, after a lot of heartbreak.

Tara McCausland: Thank you. And actually, that response is a great segue into our next question, Maddie, because a part of that inner puzzle is seeking spiritual connection. And many women often talk about that struggle to find or rebuild a spiritual connection after betrayal. So my next question for you ladies would be, how have you experienced that in your healing? And what helps you stay connected spiritually Today, right now?

Madison: I think for me, in all honesty, rebuilding spiritual connection has been messy. It has been messier than I think I'd like to admit. But this— it would be pointless to share this all if it was all perfect and powdered. And, um, I think betrayed spouses know better than anyone that it is so messy to recover from All of the things that there is to recover from. And so my heart goes out to anyone who feels like the trust in their higher power has been shattered or conflicted with other things.

I think for me, my spiritual connection started off with very honest conversations. I came to my first— well, my second big D-Day. Um, with my spouse because I came to God and I just said, I can't do this anymore. I am apathetic.

Sarah: I am numb.

Madison: I'm falling apart. I don't want to be with my spouse. And that was when my higher power was able to say, like, now that you've come to me, I can hold you through this, but you weren't ready to go through this without me. And so then my world cracked open. And so, um, I think even though I had that major spiritual experience, I actually still did not feel spiritually connected for probably 2 years to my higher power.

And, um, it— I think, um, it took a turning point the last year and a half where I recognized that my faith in not giving up in him, even on the days I didn't believe in him, was actually something he really He was really okay with— he could take me at my worst, and that was okay because he knew I had been through the worst. So just want to give hope that if it's taking you years, that's okay and that's normal.

Tara McCausland: Thank you, Maddie. Anyone else?

Jan: I think I was so angry, so angry, and I was angry for years, absolutely years. I don't think I could even feel a spiritual connection with the God of my What I have found now is, as I have embraced recovery and made this journey, it has. I I guess I look back now and I see the hand of the God of my understanding in everything, in every. I've been placed in a certain place. I've been told words to say.

It's. It's just been a wonderful experience. And I think too, with me, the God of my understanding met me where I was at and understood that it would take time, even though I was so devastated, so upset.

Lacey: So I'm just grateful for recovery, to be able to recover that so that I can now feel and understand what the God of my understanding I really feel like when I started into recovery, my relationship with God was very childlike, where I thought if I did the right thing, I would get blessed. And as I've worked recovery and the 12-step program, I've just realized I have to let God be in charge of my life instead of just expecting what I want to happen, because I really don't know what is the best thing for myself or my family or anyone else.

adults for that matter. And so just the evolution of my relationship with God is what has taken me through recovery. Instead of this childlike, like, I just want what I want, it is like, oh, you let me know, where am I going here? And that has really changed my entire spiritual practice in, in everything that I do. And I appreciate so much that it's no longer this parent-child thing. It's more like, okay, You know, where are we going?

I completely trust you, but not in a way that's like, but I want this. I just think of when my children want something and I'm like, that's not the right thing for you, actually. And I see more than you do. And I feel my higher power doing that for me as well.

Tara McCausland: So good. So much wisdom already shared. Thank you so much, ladies. Well, moving on with some additional pieces, it seems very obvious Like, if we're thinking about someone dealing with an addiction, why humility, rigorous honesty, accountability would be critical pieces to their healing. But how are these pieces important for the healing of a betrayed partner?

Sarah: I'll jump in here. So I'm going to talk about honesty first. When my husband and I started working recovery, I realized that I had a hard time being truly honest with him about my needs and emotions. Um, and that had created so much resentment inside me toward my husband that I, like, didn't even really know was there until I started working recovery. And my husband can tell when I'm upset, and when I'm not sharing that, it's hard for him too.

And so as I practiced being rigorously honest with him, it created more of that safety for him as well as for me. And then Humility, I think, is what makes being honest a successful practice, because when I'm being humble, I'm not assuming that I know what's going to be best for another person, and I'm not trying to manage how they might receive something or what they do with something that I, that I do or say.

Lacey: I feel like I need humility because I'm a part of this broken little family system, right? In order for my husband to continue in his addiction and do The negative things that he was doing, I had to accept that level of unhappiness in our marriage and in our family life. And my former husband was an isolator and a neglecter of our children and myself, and I am part of that problem. And so I have to be humble enough to look at myself and say, "I let that happen.

I didn't complain, and I didn't complain. I didn't ask for more. I didn't ask why he was constantly isolating." Right? And so I have to be humble enough to look at my part so that I can help change the family dynamics and create a healthier atmosphere. And so as I'm honest with myself and with my children, I have to, have to be accountable for what my part was in our little family life cycle and how the unhealthiness continued to, to go as long as, as long as I let it, right?

And then once I found out, oh, there was an addiction behind all of this, then I could actually look at it and be like, oh, well, let's work on this. Let's figure out a healthier way. But I, I can't do that myself if I'm not being humble and honest with like my part in our little family dynamic. So for me, that's why I think I need humble and honest.

Madison: Yeah, I love talking about honesty and humility because it comes back to the vitality of connection. When we are in a disconnect, that continues the addiction cycles, it continues the hurt and trauma that we experience. Connection heals. Connection is what can offer trust again. And so honesty and humility can bring forth that foundation that allows a coupleship or an individual a lot of healing. And so when you're able to be honest with your situation, you're able to grieve.

When you're able to be— when you're able to have humility, you're able to have that humbleness to come to The surrender of knowing that things can get better. And right now they're hard. And so it offers just a really nice path forward for what everyone has already shared beautifully, that like, it opens the doors for connection, whether that's with fellow group members or with friends or with your spouse, or even a therapist. Or a clergyman, someone that you can turn to.

And so there is this ultimate awareness that actually is the movement forward to bring connection, I feel like.

Tara McCausland: Thank you. That brings us to our last piece that I wanted to touch on, which is commitment and time. I should say last pieces. And often it takes a lot more time to heal from betrayal trauma than we think it ought to. Um, and we have to adopt this very patient cadence in our healing Can one of you speak to that for a moment?

Jan: In thinking of my journey in recovery, the cadence with which I recovered was— it's slow. It is. It's an extremely slow process. It was for me. And I think today, as I look back, and I'm still recovering, but as I look back, if you had told me it would have taken— because I think I started in 2007, but with that SAL in 2015 or '16. If you would have told me then it would take that long, I would have turned around and walked away.

And I am grateful that I didn't know, but that I was able to take my time and really recover, because recovery really works. I am— if you ask my children, you ask my husband, I am a different woman today than I was even 5 years ago. And I credit the work— I credit myself for the work that I've put in to making this journey successful for myself.

Tara McCausland: Thank you. So let's move now to the outer action pieces of the recovery puzzle. And let's start off talking about the importance of supportive community. We know that connection is so critical to our healing. We do not heal well in isolation. I don't think we were built to heal in isolation. And so I'm curious for you ladies, how would you say that supportive community, your experience working SAL 12-step, has helped you on your healing journey?

Sarah: I, um, I think I'm a little bit unique because I came to the program like right away. Like, I was just— there were people in place in my life that were just right there and there to guide me toward the program. And so I didn't, I didn't have a lot of time alone with the knowledge of what was going on in my, in my home. And that honestly, it was like, it was like a balm to just go and be with people who were right where I was.

And also people who had been where I was. It just meant everything to me. I think that was that was one of the huge pieces of how I survived, and being able to learn from the women in the program and how how how much serenity they were able to have despite things that were in their lives that were not in their control was really inspiring to me. It was it honestly. Made such a huge difference.

Madison: I first started out at a, at a therapy group for women going through betrayal, and I mean, that was vital for me just to have somewhere to fall apart and, and to have a qualified person to hold. That was very helpful for me. And then when I was introduced to SAL, or the idea of it at least, I think One of the things that having a community for so long did for me was it gave me a purpose and a reason to constantly be in the care of my heart and my healing.

It gave me new ideas, but it especially gave me the connection that I needed, especially in SAL. it's so nice that there's a portion where we share and there's no advice. There's no hierarchy at all of knowledge. And the nice thing about that is that actually is teaching holding space in a healthy way. And that is not something that People in the typical world today know how to just do. And so it teaches a very strong skill of just holding space in the hard and not having anything to say to fix it.

Jan: Yeah, I think for me, the community— it cannot be stressed enough how important connection is in betrayal trauma. There is nothing like going to a meeting and having women understand what you're going through because they've been there, and then having new women come in and you've been there and can help them. I think the most important part for me was I couldn't have gotten through it alone. I tried It did not work. It just didn't work.

But the minute I connected, it made everything so much easier. So once I could pick up the phone for the first time and make that call to go to a meeting or reach out to a woman because I wanted her as my sponsor, it all started to come so much more easily. When I was in crisis, I could immediately reach out. You know, that whole surrender process is picking up that phone for me and saying, hey, do you have a few minutes?

Can I talk? Texting, hey, are you there? And they were there each and every time. As I said, I cannot stress the importance of connection in community in betrayal trauma.

Tara McCausland: You know, one of the hardest things about being a betrayed partner is that you don't have people to grieve with you very often. Nobody's bringing you casseroles and flowers because they don't know most of the time. And so when you have this sisterhood, this supportive community, they can be there to grieve with you and to be those support people that we all need when we're going through a heartbreak like betrayal trauma is. You can probably relate it to the death of a family member.

It is that shattering for individuals. So alongside supportive community, SAL, 12-step, We know the value of qualified therapy. Sometimes we'll say not all help is helpful. So we like to emphasize the qualified piece. But how did you go about finding a qualified therapist to help you through your betrayal trauma? And how have you found that's worked synergistically alongside your 12-step work?

Lacey: I just decided to Google sex addiction therapist and up popped my therapist. And actually, in my first meeting with her, she said, "You need to go to 12-step group," and I was like, "What is that?" But it was really nice to have a therapist actually that understood 12-step and that wanted me to go. And she really explained to me, like, "I will help you heal as an individual, but you will heal in group in a different way, being with other women who have experienced what you have experienced." And so for her, it really was both of those things coming together to heal.

me as a whole person and not just as like an individual, but as a— as an individual and then as the collective with the group. So she really was the one that encouraged me to do that and would check in with me. So if I had had a difficult day, let's say doing EMDR, she would say, are you going to be okay? Are you going to go and call your sponsor? And I would say, of course I am.

And she— so she would check in and just make sure that I had a plan in place for after a difficult session. and knew that reaching out to someone from group would be the next step after I left therapy because therapy is difficult. It is very hard to get all of the junk out of one's system and heal all of those parts. And so she would kind of unravel me and then I would go surrender and talk to my sponsor.

And so I really needed both things to heal.

Sarah: Yeah, I found my therapist through the clinic, was recommended to me by a friend and was able to find a great therapist there, and I was very fortunate to connect pretty much right away with my therapist. And for me, I think therapy is just a different way to process things, and it's a really focused way to process things because, you know, I can sit in my head all day and— or I can journal, or I can, you know, just— and I tend to kind of cycle through the same thoughts over and over again, and often I don't make much progress.

But when I'm going through that with a therapist, you know, they can hold a candle up to what's going on and they can point out things that I would normally not stop and think about and help me see different approaches, different ways to think about things. And they especially help me— therapy helps me to stay with a problem long enough to even get to the part where I can emotionally process it and then maybe get to some solutioning.

And it's great to someone there to kind of hold me accountable during that therapy session because it is uncomfortable. It's— yeah, I like how you put it, Lisey, that it's, that it's just pulling out so much, um, yucky stuff. And, and I don't always leave therapy necessarily feeling better than when I went in, but I knew— but I know that it's really necessary work and you have to go through that in order to come out the other side and, and be a more whole person.

Jan: I didn't even think I needed therapy. Are you kidding, girls? It was all on him. It wasn't me. But for me, once I got into therapy and understood there was so much of my own stuff that had contributed to the negativity in my relationship with my addicted spouse, it was absolutely amazing. I'd come Out of a session, absolutely wrung out. I don't. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't. But those sessions, as they progressed, it was such a wonderful feeling because I was beginning to feel better.

I was. I was responding rather than reacting. And in the in the beginning, I didn't even know that I was reacting. So therapy to me is one of the key things: connection, therapy, all of these things. But therapy for me. Even though I didn't want it, I'm so glad I went through it because it was, it was one of the best things that I've done. And occasionally I go in for a tune-up now and again, and it's, it's tough.

It's tough, but it's better. It's so much better, and it's made me better.

Madison: If it's appropriate, I'd like to also put a little bit, just echo what these ladies have said, but speak from a clinician view. Because I am so passionate about good therapy. There's a lot of good therapists and there are a lot of well-intentioned therapists. And I think that when we talk about qualified therapy, that can get very confusing. And obviously, being a therapist, I have my views, my opinions. and also my experience from betrayal trauma that guides a lot of these passionate opinions.

But as far as from a clinician's standpoint, and then as unbiased as I can be, finding someone who understands trauma, but not only understands it, but has a wheelhouse for reprocessing trauma, um, utilizing EMDR, brain spotting, Accelerated Resolution Therapy. Those are so important. Parts Work, Emotionally Focused Therapy. Those are vital aspects of therapeutic models that help betrayed spouses not spin their wheels in talk therapy for decades. You could spend decades talking about the hurt, but we have to reprocess the trauma and be able to help empower and find hope in moving past that.

Some of the best websites for listeners that need help with that are the APSATS website that has betrayed trauma, betrayal trauma therapists. And also, I know CPTT, I think, which is like CSATS But betrayal trauma-specific therapists are great. The other option too is just finding someone who understands attachment theory. Working with anyone who is certified or understands emotionally focused therapy and attachment theory and betrayal trauma can be so vital in working through traumatic events. And I highly recommend emotionally focused therapy for couples.

So. I hope that's appropriate. Just want to put on my clinician hat for anyone who's like, but where do I go?

Tara McCausland: Yeah, that's excellent, Maddie, and thank you. I think that can get kind of convoluted, that term qualified therapist. What does that look like? And if you're curious about how to find a qualified therapist, we do have a series of questions that you can ask a therapist to help qualify them yourself. So that you can be a discerning person as you're going out looking for someone to work with you. So our next piece, boundaries and bottom lines, also sometimes concepts that can be hard to understand.

But we know that boundaries and bottom lines are critical for creating safety for both partners and for those that are dealing with addictive patterns in their lives. Now, ladies, there's a lot to say about Boundaries, particularly. What specific example could you give about when you set a boundary and how that helped create safety and empowerment for you?

Sarah: When I was really early in, you know, when everything was really fresh and I was in the throes of just processing what had even happened and everything, like my home felt like a bomb had gone off in it. But one thing that started triggering me was my husband saying anything about my physical appearance. Like, that was just— that felt so yucky to me. And not that he was, you know, he wasn't saying anything inappropriate, or— and I don't even remember if it was something that he had said that then led to this boundary, but I knew that that was something that I needed just for my emotional safety.

And so I asked him— I asked him not to do that, and he respected that. He was really great about that. Another one was asking him to not be in the bedroom. That was such— that was so hard. And I, you know, I'd never done that before in my marriage, and that felt like crossing a really big line, but it really was such a huge way for me to create that safety and stability. that I needed.

And I think for him too, I think boundaries can help both partners. And yeah, it was a huge, it was a huge way to just get space to even start processing what I was going through.

Lacey: Um, I'll share. My boundaries have changed over the years, but right now my favorite boundary is this: I will not be in relationship with anyone that does not love me and respect me and want to have a healthy relationship with me. And if I'm in a relationship with someone that does not want to have a healthy relationship, I will take a step back, take time to talk to that person, discuss, try to problem solve. And if that doesn't work, then I have to take another step back from the relationship.

I have just recognized my behavior patterns put me in relationship with some unhealthy people, not just my addict, just in other ways where I felt like— I feel like I'm constantly being taken from, and this isn't a reciprocal relationship. I'm actually giving and I'm never really receiving. And so I've taken a really hard look at many of my relationships and just set that boundary of like, wait a minute, am I getting anything out of this? Am I just giving?

And, you know, where am I? And that has really changed a huge aspect of my life. And letting go of those unhealthy relationships has brought so many more amazing people into my life and left space for healthy people, healthy people that want to respect and love and have a whole relationship and not just a one-sided relationship.

Tara McCausland: So powerful. I love to quote Ril Khrosa, co-founder of SA Lifeline. She likes to say that the only language that the addict brain understands is boundaries. So we encourage you, if you're watching this, if you're unfamiliar with the power of boundaries and the importance of boundaries for your safety, learn more. There's a lot out there about boundaries. And finally, one of the pieces that may be even less familiar to new folks to SA Lifeline is this concept of practicing surrender, which is surrendering the things you cannot control to the God of your understanding.

So I'm wondering if one of you wonderfully wise ladies can explain the surrender process briefly and how Surrender has blessed you and helped you in your recovery?

Madison: I think surrender is beautifully individual depending on how it works for you, what helps you. I know there's a lot of specific routes that people like to go for surrender, and that I think finding what works for you is most vital. You can surrender just like your sponsor, and it doesn't always work the same way. And so I think surrendering is breathing. I think surrendering is offering your heart and just the idea that there truly is not— there is not a place for you to be able to maybe control the outcome of what may happen, but that you trust your higher power.

whichever higher power you believe in, just trusting that their hands, their love will handle it. But that does not equal complacency. It does not equal any aspect of just giving in to unhealthy lifestyles or patterns. All it is is grief. Grief and acceptance of what is. and where you do have control, where you do have power. And that actually is a huge aspect of healing trauma, is learning to trust yourself again, that you do have things that you can control.

You do have ways you can trust yourself because you are capable of that again. And it just takes time to rebuild that.

Jan: I think with surrender, for me, it started with phone, knees, box, and I didn't even understand the concept of what surrender was. What am I surrendering? What, that I can't control a situation? That I'm surrendering the lady in the store who gave me a bad look? I'm surrendering my husband? So wrapping myself around the concept of And simply put, things that I cannot control. And I'm a big control freak. I want to control everyone and everything in my life.

So the ability to let that go to a power that was greater than myself was a very, very difficult thing for me to do. So it became a process. And for me, the Phone, knees, box was my way, hearing it from a dear friend and actually in the, in the SAL program, obviously. But that calling, again, connection in surrender, it made me pinpoint exactly what was I surrendering. And then praying to the God of my understanding that I would be free of this feeling of control, that it was in— I want to say His hands, but in the God of my understanding's hands.

And that to write it out, then to have this, to pinpoint what it is, to write it out, and then I could take all of those surrenders, and I'd be surrendering the same thing over and over again, and I still do that today. And then I take all my little papers and I burn them. I have let myself a little, a little ceremony that I'm letting this really cathartically, intuitively go, and I love that. And that process of surrender is, is, it has been a very, very important part of my recovery.

Tara McCausland: Excellent. Thank you so much, ladies. Okay, let's move on now to discussing our SAL circle models, which can be really helpful visuals in helping us understand what exactly betrayal trauma and sexual addiction looks like. Because when you're in the middle of it, sometimes it's very hard to understand the patterns And the responses that are causing these cyclical issues in our lives. One of the things that's really core to understanding the circle models is what is at our center.

And very often we'll say, in order to be in recovery and to be in serenity, we need to have the God of our understanding at our center. And very often when we're in the mix of addiction or betrayal, response. We've lost that. And so my question for you is, for you personally, how has seeing your experience in these models helped you make sense of what was happening to you? And the follow-up question would be, when you feel or sense that you're losing God from your center, how do you get that back?

Lacey: So I feel like when the addict is at the center of my life and I'm doing all of these things on the outside of the model, right? If I'm feeling fearful and numb and hopeless and confused or depressed, then I love the model because if I'm not feeling well, I can go to this and I can point at one of these words and say, oh, I'm feeling numb. And that is kind of where I hung out for a really long time, was numb.

And that helps me to just recognize name it and say, okay, who's at my center? And sometimes it's my addicted spouse. Since I'm divorced, sometimes it's something else. It's my children, right? It's— I'm in school right now, so it could be school. School could be right at the center of my heart instead of my higher power. And so I do love the models in order to identify where I'm at and which of these responses I'm feeling so that I can get God back at my center.

Jan: Yeah, I was going to say this is like my Bible. All these things on the outside, it was so cathartic to be able to see that and then to look to the other, to the other one where I put my higher power in my center. It changed everything. And again, it did not happen overnight. It took me quite some time to even understand the circle model and what I was going through because I blamed a lot on my addicted spouse, that it wasn't me, it was him.

He had to take care of himself and then I would be better. I couldn't have been further from the truth that I too had my own healing to do, and the circle model was so good in helping me discern where I was, especially are coming in not knowing a thing. You know, you come in and you just don't know anything. Where do you even start? This is a wonderful foundation. Again, just like the heart, the willing heart in the recovery puzzle.

These are just fabulous tools that I still go back to today.

Madison: I think in the beginning of recovery, especially the circles models just kind of gave me a very simple diagram to make sense of everything that felt so crazy. When you first, um, are going through betrayal, it— your whole filing cabinet of all your life gets dumped out on the floor, and it's like you can't sort through anything. And so since your amygdala's in complete fight or flight, you're not in your prefrontal cortex, you can't make sense of all of the information you're getting, whether it's a trickle disclosure or one big full disclosure, unofficially, of course, without the help of a therapist, usually.

It's so, so hard to understand what you are living in and what is happening. And so I think it's a really helpful and simple diagram of at least the behaviors and the cycle that you are somewhat falling into, and it gives you at least a step forward and feeling a little less confused and shaky.

Tara McCausland: Maybe a follow-up question would be, as you've used also the, the addict model, the self-absorbed chaos model, to help you understand your spouse and what addiction looks and talks and walks like, how has that been helpful for you so that you can feel confident in their recovery or not.

Madison: It gives a good overview of just a general lifestyle, right, that we're trying to adopt in recovery. So often, especially in the beginning, we're looking at a lot of the behaviors, and betrayed spouses in the beginning of recovery need tangible ways to know that they are safe. They need tangible ways to be able to at least note that there is some level of accountability, space where their spouse is connecting. And so I think it can be helpful to be able to just be aware of, even for yourself, it builds trust again within yourself to be able to look at, okay, when, when I notice This feeling inside of me.

I don't feel safe. And what do I do with that unsafety? I can hold boundaries. I can create safety. I can ask for safety. I can offer myself safety. So I think, at least in the beginning, it's offering that sense of finding ways to trust yourself again. To know when you're feeling unsafe and to be able to name it so it's not so scary.

Jan: I love that because for me, I didn't know where he was coming from. So it was a great basis of trying to sort through, okay, this is what he's going through— the codependency, lack of self-care, angry, resentful, right? And that was all filtering down from him to our family. Right to me and then to the children. So to have this, it gave me a better understanding of where he was at, just as you have said. And that was so helpful.

It's so simple, really. I know it's a lot more than that, but for me at that very beginning, it was wonderful to have that to look at, to understand what he was going through.

Tara McCausland: Yeah, wonderful. And I I asked a very long. Like, 2-part question at the beginning, but when you notice that you're losing God at your center, what's your primary go-to, or do you have a handful of things that you do to get God back at your center?

Lacey: If I'm feeling any type of unease, or if I'm ruminating in any way on something, I'll immediately do a surrender. I'll write something out, and I will pause and breathe, practice self-care. I will take a few minutes Really kind of wherever I am. I have just like scraps of paper in my car, um, and I will, I will do a surrender process to get God back at my center.

Sarah: I have just some practices that come from my faith and my religion that I'm a part of, and those often are very effective at connecting me back. And so when I'm not, and when I'm not doing those regularly and I'm not doing them wholeheartedly, and I can start seeing more symptoms of that disconnect where I'm trying to be controlling or hopeless or I'm withdrawing, and I notice those things in myself, that's a sign that I'm not putting God in my center.

But reconnecting with the God of my understanding through— usually it's prayer, and usually it's even just not even having a direct Like prayer that I'm saying, but like just sitting and trying to be present with the God of my understanding. And I believe that whenever I'm doing that, he's ready and, and there with me. And that's— and so you, I guess you could say that's kind of like meditation. But that's a huge way that I feel like I can reconnect and recenter.

Jan: It's recognizing first that I'm not right, that things are— I'm kind of off the rails, right? God is no longer in my center. Once I realize that, and I've really honed the skill now that I'm able to notice pretty quickly when God has come out of my center, and my therapist has taught me breathing exercises, and I have one that I love That I'm seated, and that, that just allowing myself to breathe and to come back into the moment to understand where I am exactly and where I've kind of gone off, and then just giving it to God.

That again, the surrender process is enabling me to get closer to Him again, to reconnect, to say, okay, how can I make this situation better? And I think reaching out for me is a big thing too, the ability to connect with someone who can kind of talk me off the ledge as well. And that, and in doing so, that brings God back into my center because for me, I'm extremely social and I love the ability to be with people and to connect with people.

Madison: Anytime I notice that I'm in any of the feelings that I guess are on that left side circles model, um, that just lets me know that I'm safety seeking. I'm afraid and I'm safety seeking, and I have hit trauma and I'm scared. And that is a time to be gentle with myself when, when I have not been gentle in the past, because my higher power would be too. And being gentle to myself does connect me back with God.

And each of these women are so wonderful in sharing that they reach out to someone typically. And I also do that because, I mean, we are, we are attachment-based creatures and we need co-regulation. That is vital. Co-regulation brings us so much peace and it helps those safety-seeking behaviors be able to Calm the waters, feel safe again. And so, yeah, I reach out as well to a friend or to sometimes my spouse because we're in a safe space to do that now.

But if that's not always the option, then finding ways to meditate with God, call a friend, talk to someone in recovery, someone who understands, um, and can offer you some safety. can be very helpful in co-regulating.

Tara McCausland: Well, I'm just honestly floored by all of the wisdom that has been shared by the 4 of you. I'm so grateful for the healing that I see in you. And I know that those who will watch this will find a lot of value and hope in their healing. And so as I, as I look at the 4 of you, and as I know that there will be people watching you who are praying, hoping for healing, what can you tell them?

Is healing possible? Absolutely. You're all nodding your head, but I think you're all living, breathing examples of the fact that yes, healing is possible. There are brighter days ahead for those who are willing to work their recovery. So thank you again for being willing to share your strength, hope, and experience, ladies. So grateful for you. And for those who are watching, if you would like, again, access to these circle models, to the recovery puzzle, you can go to salifeline.org and find those models there.

And I encourage you to study them, learn about them so that they could be tools, part of your wheelhouse in your recovery journey. Thanks so much for being a part of this session.

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